Or he will hit you with a bucket.

That’s the entire post.

Also, please try to ignore me spelling Great and Powerful Three Headed Ruler’s name multiple different ways. I still can’t decide on which one I like best, so I just kind of go with whichever strikes me as prettiest at the time. Yes, most people of my age worry about feeding their children, paying the electric or pleasing their wives. Fools. What about your internal debate about how to spell a 50 year old Kaiju character’s name?! Won’t you let yourself live?!

Ghidorah first debuted in “Ghidorah! The Three Headed Monster!” which is known in Japan “Three Giant Monsters: Greatest Decisive Battle on Earth!” and no that’s not a joke sadly. This was still during Godzilla’s initial villain era and for no apparent reason, he and Rodan were kicking the shit out of each other over what probably amounts to the monster equivalent of a woman. Mothra was doing her usual bitchy schtick by breaking them up for peace and the fact that a giant 3 headed space dragon has emerged and is generally wrecking shit. After a fierce battle, Ghidrah is driven off by the 3 monsters back into space.

Really fun movie. It takes the top 3 Kaijus in all the land to run off Ghidrah and even then, it’s after he’s properly fucked all of them up substantially.

In his follow up appearance, Ghidrah challenges Rodan and Godzilla again in Invasion of the Astro Monster. In a somewhat shocking and debateable conclusion, Ghidrah actually manages to semi defeat his 2 adversaries then high tails it back to space. A powerful moment.

Big Ghid did some other shit in his career too, but these 2 helped properly establish the beast. Not even Godzilla could defeat the bastard without help. Well if you ignore 1991′s Godzilla vs King Ghidorah where Big G decapitates the middle head and chunks him into the ocean. But yeah, you get my point.

Ghidorah would return time and time again throughout life, each time big as life and twice as ugly. He had a brief hero run i nthe mid 90′s set, but no one wanted to see a Kaiju whos homeland nickname is “The King of Terror” saving babies, so he quickly returned to his bastardly ways.

Ghidrah was also routinely mind controlled by aliens to do their bidding, with the best part being that without mind control, he was an even bigger asshole. This defines Ghidrah well as he is just always pointlessly enraged at everything and holds the crown as most pissed off Kaiju. I’ve also always loved how exasperated Godzilla is by him. When The King makes a run in during Godzilla vs Gigan, Godzilla basically gives him a “Oh Jesus, THIS asshole again?!” reaction and then all hell breaks loose.

Another great Ghidorah moment, you ask? Sure! Glad you asked. In 1998′s Rebirth of Mothra 3, Ghidorah originally came to Earth millions of years ago…and wait for it…wait for it…IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE EXTINCTION OF ALL DINOSAURS. Yes, fucking King Ghidrah has been alive forever and has just been randomly killing the shit out of things for millions upon millions of years. In present time, he has become his greatest entity, Grand King Ghidorah and Mothra cannot defeat him. So Mothra GOES BACK IN TIME to fight the original weaker version of Ghidorah. There are no words people, there are no words

And now we end the article with my favorite Ghidrah moment. The film “Destroy All Monsters” features all of Earth’s beasts being mind controlled by aliens and ordered to destroy large cities all over the world. The spell is of course broken and the aliens are fucked. Their final desperate plea? Unleashing their King, the almighty Ghidorah. A few cuts of the film actually explicitly state that Ghidorah is an ally to them and not under any sort of mind altering. What does this mean? That King Ghidorah sees 10 angry monsters looking for a fight in his completely right mind…and he absolutely charges right into them like Stone Cold Steve Austin attacking a shitty WCW-ECW Alliance. Ghidorah of course gets his ass beaten severely and possibly killed, but not after badly wounding the members of the group.

I still have no idea how one doesn’t cheer for Ghidrah by the end of that thing and it basically sums up the big mean jack-off in full. Is he evil? Yes. Lots of Kaijus are evil though. Ghidorah? He’s royalty AND a jerk on top of it all. And that’s why he will always be my favorite, the ultimate heel, the great and powerful King Ghodrah.

Now let’s get one thing straight: As previously stated, I am not entirely sure Torso is a genuinely good movie. What it lacks in true quality, it makes up for in batshit insanity, endless sexism driven cruelty and more red herrings than…some…thing with…a lot of red herrings. Mmmhmm.

A few beautiful points about this classy piece of trash:

- First off, that name. TORSO. It’s evocative, grizzly and generally sets the tone for some carnage. The best part? THAT’S NOT EVEN THE BEST NAME THE FILM GOES BY. It’s homeland name is “The Bodies Bear Traces of Carnal Violence” It’s probably best they didn’t go with that name for an American release because nothing could ever live up to it outside of Mothra playing a feisty black bailiff on Night Court.

- The film’s primary group is a bunch of college aged girls and my Goodness, they are easy on the eyes. Like leagues above the usual cannon fodder one would find in say “Urban Legend 5: The Hunt for Jeremy Irons” And then on top of that, you then get to watch them be brutally killed and molested in death. What do you mean that’s not a positive? Sorry, you uptight QUAKER. Ohhhhh Colonial Burrrrrn.

- I am actually shorting the film on it’s quality. Some of the genuinely creepy, inventive shots would start showing up a few years later stateside in stuff like Black Christmas and Carpenter’s Halloween. The influence is very noticeable and I for one was thrilled by it.

- Speaking of the shots, director Sergio Martino actually does a pretty fucking amazing job here. From the beautiful open piazzas and fountains at the college, to the desolate creepy muddy woods he utilizes later, this thing has some real visual style and beautiful locations to compliment it. Mmm, pretentious complimenting, I love it.

- For no reason, the movie kills a retarded person. Laugh out loud.

- In any other movie, this would be the true highlight of the entire picture. It’s gotta settle for second here, but I will share it with you. The final girl is locked in a room. The killer hasn’t seen her yet so she has the opportunity to sneak out. The key is of course in the lock on the other side. She decides to go with the “Put a newspaper under the door, jiggle the key loose onto said newspaper and pull it back through” trick. The key misses, but our heroine doesn’t realize it yet. She takes a moment of silence to hear if the killer has noticed the slight commotion. While she’s doing this, we have a shot of the key laying beside the paper. And a skin crawlingly calm gloved hand comes into the shot and gently sets the key onto the paper for her. She is of course ecstastic when she pulls the key back through and then…well awful shit happens of course. I am so not doing it justice here, but her being filled with overpowering joy while you the viewer know she’s still fucked is a great trick.

- The true highlight of the film, you ask? Why of course, our hero getting into a knock down drag out brawl with the killer and in the middle of all this mind boggling horror, he decides to unleash nature’s deadliest weapon: Bob Holly’s standing dropkick. He fucking nails it of course.

Overall, Torso is a masterpiece of suspense, excellent location shoots and pointless cruelty. Christ, the movie is so endlessly entertaining, I didn’t even get to the pointless gratuitous lesbian scene or the red scarf plot point. You heard me! RED SCARVES! So yes Torso, you can walk that aisle as a legend. You have truly earned it.

The Good Films:

Friday The 13th (1980): A pretty good giallo style murder mystery that is accented by a little gratuitous nudity, a wacky decapitated head and an ending that made me consider shitting all over my Batman Returns’ backpack the first time I saw it. Also, wasn’t it clever when Scream asked who the killer was in the first Friday? Hahaha, you stupid bitch, it was his mother. I hate Scream. Drew Barrymore was better in her minor role of Sugar in Batman Forever too. And the real question is, can I reference the rest of the Batman film franchise before this article is over? MAYBE.

- Friday The 13th Part 2: I don’t mind telling you that Bagface Jason scared the living hell out of me and still pretty much does. Not as iconic as the hockey mask of course, but much more unnerving for whatever reason. Also, Jason hits a wheelchair bound man in the face with a machete causing him to fly wildly down the stairs in said wheelchair. Who needs coherent plot, good acting or even any real point when you have crippled people being thrown off structures? Oh yeah, Jason without his bag exploding through that window was another “What should I shit on out of fear?” moment for me. I have VERY unreliable bowels.

- Friday The 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter: Man Oh man, look at me go to town with those colons! Ugh, shut up. This film introduced us to little Tommy Jarvis as played by the legendary Corey…let’s say “Feldman”. Yeah, it’s Feldman, sorry about that. This film actually may be the best embodiment of the stereotypical Friday film. Skinny dipping, hockey masks, minor celebrities, it’s all here folks. It’s all you can ask for from a Friday film and it throws in nude twins just for the hell of it. Thanks movies!

- Friday The 13th Part 6 JASON LIVES:  Jason basically kills god damned everyone in this sucker and with wacky comedic skill to boot. Oh, this also introduced ZOMBIE JASON for better or worse. Paintball player murder is a good moment too. We get our last adventure with Tommy Jarvis, but who cares about that because Jason kills inside a Winnebago in ridiculous fashion and then stands on top of that big bastard like he was king of the world. I am so filled with nostalgia right now that I may…well not do anything, but it’s nice I suppose.

Freddy Vs Jason: Are there flaws with this? Yep. The CGI looks terrible, Jason is fucking dumber than usual and god damned Kelly Rowland is in it. BUT! It gives us more than a few “Greatest hits” kills by Jason, England is noticeably on fire as Freddy and Rowland’s death is one of the top 10 most satisfying moments in my life. Just sit back and have fun with it. All of the movies are technically terrible anyways, at least this one was terrible in a glorious beautiful way.

Friday The 13th (2009): Speaking of greatest hits! I went into this expecting a real shitbag of god awful ideas and instead I got the first 3 and a half movies condensed into 40 minutes or so and then pure Camp Crystal Lake brutality. Gorgeous naked women skiing, mutilated Asians and that damned campfire kill. Oof. Good good stuff. They can remake everything they like because occasionally you get to have a blast with them. It’s all worth it then.

THE PAINFULLY MEDIOCRE:

Friday The 13th PT 3: So yeah, 3D. Christ. Needless to say, none of the gags really hold up (Well except for the life alteringly great exploding eyeball kill) , the kids are extra annoying and I tend to start ignoring this entry about 40 minutes in. It does however give us Hockey Mask Jason and for that, we will always be grateful. Helluva shot with that spear gun too.

Jason Goes To Hell: I always thought this one got the short end of the stick. The Jason make up is excellent (Stop bitching that you never get to see it, I know, I know) and the kills are particularly nasty, culminating in my personal favorite kill of the entire series: The mid orgasm impalement and torso rip apart. It’s absolutely one of the most mean spirited, filthy things in any slasher film and it needs to be commended. And let us not forget at the beginning where the black doctor eats Jason’s heart. No idea why, but that is as close to open mouthed gagging all over myself I have ever come in a movie. Fucking revolts me and I haven’t the faintest why. Oh yeah, there is an interesting little thing at the ending too. You know. You do. Go on. Youtube it. You know you want to see it again.

Friday The 13th Pt 7 The New Blood: This little guy almost dares reach for the brass ring (what?),  but female psychic vs. Jason wasn’t high on my list of things I needed to see. Some great action set pieces, a wonderful Jason make up job and some good kills make it watchable, but fucking Christ, that ending is bad. Also a lot of dead spots, but worth it because it causes you to ask “Did Jason just kill somebody with a party horn?”

…What’s that? Oh yeah…Oh My Christ yeah…

Just let it wash over you like so much ambrosia. Remember your child hood, let it wrap around you, let it warm you. Remember how your Grandmother’s hand felt, soft like paper. Remember days of running and jumping free, remember not know what a “bill” was. Remember your first taste of good whiskey, but try to not just swallow it . Savor it. Taste the barley. Let it roll over your tongue, down your throat and walk into the arms of the first girl you ever loved. Let all of this happen. It’s still not as good as Jason Voorhees in Friday The 13th Pt 7 slamming some poor soul who is in their sleeping bag into a tree. Nothing is that good. Moments don’t need words. They just happen and you let them happen with your jaw hanging slack. And that my friends…that is a moment. I don’t know what it says about me, but in my final 30 seconds of life, as oxygen enters me and leaves as breath for those final moments, I will think of everyone I loved and then I will think of some giant zombie mutant bastard slamming an innocent person into a tree while they are in a sleeping bag. And I will die. Happy.

Shitty Movies That I Still Begrudgingly Enjoy, But Man Are They Terrible:

Friday The 13th Pt 5 A New Beginning: Okay, so this probably gets more hate than it deserves too, but come on! It’s just not Jason. The only bright spot is Debi Sue Voorhees (the actresses actual last name) and her lovely breasts and the guy from Juwanna Mann eating shit and dying. That’s it. Go to hell.

Friday The 13th Pt 8 Jason Takes Manhattan: What a gigantic disappointment this thing is. Don’t get me wrong, you get some truly amazing visuals, but they wait until the last 20 minutes of the film to get to them. This thing mostly features Jason walking around a boat casually and scaring Kelly Hu. Gotta give it points for that nasty looking sauna murder and of course, the greatest first round KO of all time.

Jason X: Well it does have a few nice kills and a couple of very attractive young ladies half nude, but there is certainly a level of “Holy Shit, I really hope no one walks in and starts watching this garbage with me.” and that bums me out. Just really bad and hokey to boot. But hey, Jason using a Sub Zero like fatality is pretty neat. And…er that’s it.

So there you have it! Finally, the internet has an opinion piece over Friday the 13th. I think I already made a joke very similar to this. Oh well, look at this.