What was I getting at again? Oh yeah, we’re regular people and like all regular people we demand, nay, NEED to see former celebrities torn down in the most horrific ways possible. Not the Lindsay Lohan types though, that’s no fun. No, we need to see something even sadder. The destruction of the quasi celeb/no longer famous types. People who are just as beaten down by life as us, and that makes their bizarre stories even better fodder for the bastard monsters of Pooke. We shall call it The Continuing Fall of Various Minor Celebrities. Let’s do this and see how long I keep it a reoccurring article before completely giving up. This week, we discuss a minor comedic actor, Dennis Quaids’ brother, a lying liar and a shitty musician.
Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested for squatting in their former house, a property they had not owned for well over a decade. Randy has tried to explain this bizarre misunderstanding away with a story that involves forged documents, a corpse and the watering of oak trees. Unfortunately, I have made none of this up for comedic effect. Apparently the Quaids also caused a few grands worth of damage. When the man who played Cousin Eddie in the Vacation films says he’s gonna wreck a toilet, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT PAL.
You’ve probably seen the film The 40 Year Old Virgin, right? Sure you have. Well Shelley Malil played one of Steve Carell’s co-workers, Haziz. Remember? The Middle Eastern fellow? Kinda funny, played off his stereotype well? It seems he stabbed his wife 23 times after catching her talking to a neighbor on the patio. His defense claims that in the “chaos” of it all, he thought his wife was being attacked and assumed he was stabbing her attacker. It was a big ol’ accident you see. He has been convicted of attempted murder and will be sentenced soon. On the plus side, we apparently have found the cure for 23 stab wounds as the woman survived and has made a full recovery. Obviously, Malil’s defense is a bunch of bullshit. The truth of the matter must be the woman is a cyborg from the future sent here to murder our future leader when he’s a child. MALIL WAS TRYING TO HELP US! I jump to this conclusion because once again, he stabbed her 23 times and SHE’S FINE. Gotta be a robot. Or just incredibly fat, I guess. Forget I said anything.
Chael Sonnen almost defeated Anderson Silva handily in their UFC fight a month or so ago. He has proceeded to brag endlessly, despite still losing the fight. And now he has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Whoops. Anderson Silva was reportedly overheard saying “Man, I knew that fag was on something, he ain’t that damn good.” And by “reported”, I mean I assume he said something like that and completely made this section up. But! If he did actually use that slur, how dare Anderson Silva continue forth on his bigoted view of homosexuals. What a monster.
Chris R. Rybicki played bass for the Band Unearth from 1998 to 2002. He was killed Saturday by a drunk driver while riding his scooter. This story made me go “Oh Yeah, Unearth” and then go download the 3 songs I like by them. Thanks Chris!
That is all for now. Keep on plummeting stars of yesteryear!