Blurry Cinema

Watching a bad movie while heavily intoxicated goes together like the internet and porn. How does one exist without the other? I have no idea and am glad to have come of age during a time when I could find any sort of degrading awful sex act I wanted within 30 seconds. Same type of happiness goes for DVDs. I had quite a few VHS and they never ceased to enrage me. Long before DVDs and later blu rays existed, my 8 year old self would scream at my VHS pile with impatience. I demanded my upgrade long before it was an option. Little did I know, I would get it something fierce, along with a taste for vicious bourbons and awful rums. Ah the sweet life.
I’ve burned myself out on the usual process though. I mean how many times can you get drunk and crack wise at Maniac Cop 2? 7 times, that‘s how many. The luster is lost on me now though. It’s too easy. Challenges are the spice of life. So I’ve decided to pursue a new twist on it: Watching Academy Award nominated films that push well pass the 2 hour mark while going chugging various liquors. Being so incomprehensibly drunk while watching C.H.U.D. and as a result, missing plot points of a 90 minute piece of shit doesn’t hurt the experience. Can the same be said for a classic film though? Will I be more confused or enlightened if I were to ever watch Kubrick’s 2001 in this manner? Will I grow bored with intricate plots and demand titties and gore after 30 minutes of a Scorsese classic? We shall see.

We will start with said guy named Martin’s film Gangs of New York. While not as overwhelmingly popular with critics as his usual release is, it still got pretty good reviews and received an obscene amount of Oscar nominations. It has the always great Daniel Day Lewis, the always terrible Cameron Diaz and Leonardo Dicaprio. A girl once told me I looked like a quote “really shitty Leo Dicaprio” and I accepted this as a compliment. She did not make out with me.

The film clocks in at 167 minutes. I will be complimenting this feature with Black Heart Spiced Rum. Let’s discuss our beverage for the evening first.

– It’s 93 proof, so the chances of me catching alcohol poisoning are pretty fair.

– It has some sort of hooker pirate on the bottle. She only has one eye. Hopefully, I will become so intoxicated that I will dream of mating with said eyehole at some point during the night.

– Before I start the movie, I go ahead and take 3 quick shots. Hey, for being $9.99 and pretty high in alcohol content, it’s not half bad. Pretty sweet, basically a Sailor Jerry knock off, but I like it a bit more actually. This will get the job done. Oh yeah, I’m not really going to recap the film as far as the intricate details of the entire plot goes, buy a DVD you lazy shit. Do it yourself.

And now! The film. The mid 1800’s is our setting.

-Opening battle scene is TREEEEEMENDOUS stuff, 1846 battle royals ruled apparently. And then for some reason, bad modern rock riffs crank over the soundtrack and semi fuck it all up. Oof, Filter wants their shitty b-sides back. Great bloody mess though, and Daniel Day Lewis as Bill The Butcher brutally kills The Priest as played by Liam Neesan in front of his 10 year old son. Good scene and a nice set up for OMG REVENGGGGEEE. Everyone also has quirky weapons and bad Fit Finley accents. Oy. Oh yeah, Bill and his group were born there, The Priest and his group are foreigners just trying to make their own way in America. This pisses off PSYCHOTIC RACIST MOUSTACHE GOD Bill to no end.

– Leonardo Dicaprio is said small child as an adult. Amsterdam Vallon be his name and he looks like a shitty Orlando Bloom with his hair like that. He’s been locked up for 16 years or some shit.

– Amsterdam falls in with an old friend who happens to be a part of a band of thieves. The 5 points square that his father tried to save is basically a hell hole dominated by crime now. Bill has the run of the place and his moustache is almost a character unto itself. Nightmarish.

– 2 more shots, no buzz yet. Goes down smooth though. Some asshole upstairs just through an X-Box controller at the wall and startled me. You need to know this.

– Hey Cameron Diaz is here too. She actually looks pretty in this too, which is shocking as I usually think she looks like a creepy mantis lady.

– Bill wears a lot of plaid and a top hat that there are not words for. Much like the Grand Canyon, the 16th chapel or the Eiffel Tower, you just kind of have to see that hat in action for yourself to really appreciate it. SideBURNS by the way. Yowzas.

– Couple more shots about 10 minutes later. I am being warmed from the inside, I will say that much.

– Amsterdam is beating one of Bill’s sidekicks ass viciously. This warms the old bastard to Amsterdam. A plot is afoot ladies and gentleman. Bill is clueless to who this kid is, he’s got moxie though, love that moxie.

– Hey more shots, fuck it. We have a buzz. I can tell because I just saw a baby blue plaid set of pants and thought without any irony “Man, Plaid kicks fucking ass.”

– Some convoluted romance between Diaz’s character and Bill throws a monkey wrench into Amsterdam banging her like the useless trash she is. Trash, I say!

– How have I not noticed for this long that John C. Reilly is playing a dick mick cop? Very strange to see him without Will Ferrel doing awful comedy in the background.

– Amsterdam saves Bill’s life because he wants to do it himself and yadda yadda. More shots. Starting to get a little punchy. I just elevated Diaz from being cute in a whorey way, too beautiful in a Goddess way. Delusions abound.

– Bill and Amsterdam go to the local whore house and get loaded with titties hanging out everywhere. Titties I say. I almost become distracted enough to take the film out and go watch porn, but my boner is embarrassed that it was acquired during a violent, epic period piece focused on revenge so he gives up. You don’t want me to discuss my erection? That’s fair. Bill hit’s a 9 out 10 on the hilariously racist remarks scale. Good stuff. “A jig dancing a jig!” He also at one point in the film uses the term “You Irish nigger bastards.” Touch me THERE Bill.

– Amsterdam bangs Diaz finally. Drunken hazes will do that to you. His buddy, who has a thing for the slut, sees this and gets all “GRRRR MY GIRL DON’T LIKE MES LIKE SHE DO HIM GRRRR”. And the DVD tells me to put in the 2nd disc for the rest of the movie. WHAT?! This isn’t Wrestlemania 4 on VHS, I shouldn’t need multiple anythings to finish a film in this day and age. Fuck it, I stumbled around and threw the other disc in. Shots. Little drunk, still 90 minutes to go. Little more than halfway through the bottle. My liver thinks this is beyond a band idea. Bill by the way fucks 3 bitches because it’s hard out der’ for a pimp or something. He is not amused even though.

– I decide to smoke before starting the 2nd half of the movie. Someone in the next apartment is screaming at either his Halo character or his idiot girlfriend. Maybe both. I retreat inside because I become scared for some reason.

– Alright! Amsterdam wakes up beside his hooker love to Bill sitting bedside with the American flag draped around him. He proceeds to reveal his EPIC MISERY and compliments/shits on Amsterdam’s fathers memory. He cries when Bill leaves. Bill uses the term “cunny juice” and I actually say “Yeah, FUCK YEAH!” and pump my fist. I dunno.
– Shots. I may be drunk now because I keep getting on IMDB every 5 seconds to find out cast members full body of work. Apparently when I am drunk, everyone is better than Brando. God help me.

– dlsighasldkgjvm

– Hey, the guy who played the Dad in 28 Days Later and the older wiser hitman in In Bruges is in this. Did I mention that? Well he is and he’s pretty fucking awesome. IMDb tells me his name is Brendan Gleeson and he kicks fucking ass.

– Starting to find it harder to follow the plot. Oh Amsterdam’s buddy rats him out to Bill about his true identity, so Bill beats his fucking ass in front of a crowd, but lets him live. Bill is the most likable overt racist bastard in cinema history officially.

– Amsterdam recuperates and rallies the troops. Bill gets wind of this and it’s old fashioned throw down time. Initially Bill sees Amsterdam’s pathetic group and snorts “You ain’t ready yet.” And leaves with disgust. Tremendous. Asshole hall of fame I say.

-Shots. Gonna slow down now, almost puked up my chili and burrito meal when I gagged. Smoke before the big finale. I am drunk enough to piss on my own trash that I have left out by my door. Why I didn’t just go use my restroom, I will never know. The trash smells terrible the next day. Fuck.

– And now the final throw down. All hell breaks loose. Amsterdam of course gets his revenge. Bill dies with his pride and is buried by the Priest. A fitting end.

Well hot damn, that worked okay. Despite the fact that I don’t recall the last 20 minutes much and that I fell asleep shortly after it ended and woke up to the Candyman DVD on television, I call it a success. Really good movie, Daniel Day Lewis is a deviant God and Dicaprio held his own. I kept forgetting Diaz was in the movie. Fucking bitch.

My favorite quotes? Why thanks for asking!

Bill: You see this knife? I’m gonna teach you to speak English with this fucking knife!

Bill: I’m forty-seven. Forty-seven years old. You know how I stayed alive this long? All these years? Fear. The spectacle of fearsome acts. Somebody steals from me, I cut off his hands. He offends me, I cut out his tongue. He rises against me, I cut off his head, stick it on a pike, raise it high up so all on the streets can see. That’s what preserves the order of things. Fear.

Bill: Here’s the thing… I don’t give a ten-penny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit-sack… That’s pretty much the thing.

-Bill: You mother-whoring Irish nigger.
And about a million more. Bill steals the show something fierce. Got through 85% of the bottle. Should be an awful hangover, but the rum worked it’s magic.

Film: ****½. Better than the Departed by a long shot.

Liquor: Delicious..

Glamorama: Drunken asshole.