![\"\"](\"http:\/\/pooke.thedreamisdead.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/NMOES.jpg\" "\\"NMOES\\"")
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– We open with a few shots of a hand constructing some sort of instrument of death. A glove fitted with some knives. I don\u2019t have to explain this at all, do I? bah. The score is great, synthy as all get out.<\/p>\n
– Hey a cute blonde who we will later find out is named Tina. She\u2019s deep in the bowels of a boiler room. None of this would be an issue at all if she hadn\u2019t accepted the specialty match of Mankind. YOU DONE IT NOW TINA!<\/p>\n
– Creepy lamb shot~! I\u2019ve never read an explanation for why this is present and I refuse to do 2 minutes of research to find out the answer. I just know that if I ever wake to a lamb at the foot of my bed, I\u2019ll just impale myself and save Krueger a few minutes.<\/p>\n
– Someone is pursuing poor Tina. She\u2019s sweaty and I have a feeling that director Wes Craven said \u201cGet a nightgown that we can see through already!\u201d further exploiting this girl\u2019s young nubile flesh. I support everything about this mind you.<\/p>\n
– The knives scraping against the pipe work is good stuff. Gave the film a trademark sound. Also, it\u2019s irritating as fucking hell.<\/p>\n
– Jump scare! All you really see is the accessories on Freddy, none of the details. It really is a nice fedora, let\u2019s stop shitting ourselves.<\/p>\n
– Really nice washed out shot of some girls in all white jumping rope. They\u2019re singing a song you already know the details about. 1, 2 Freddy\u2019s sequels are coming to disappoint you. HOHO! Take that film franchise that is worth more than the combined value of mine and my family\u2019s lives!<\/p>\n
– The shot really is well executed in all seriousness. What the FUCK is Johnny Depp doing here!? 21…JUMP STREET. Go download the theme, it goes just like this. All the kids are going to school. Tina is freaked out and her friend Nancy doesn\u2019t give a fucking shit.<\/p>\n
– Later that night, Tina\u2019s mom is out of town so Nancy and Captain Jack stay the night to keep her company. Nancy reveals details to Tina about HER previous nights dreams that make Tina think they had the same dream. Edward Scissorhands does a bad comedy gag with a tape of recorded neighborhood sounds and his Mom. Speaking of bad comedy routines, do you like how I refer to Depp as other characters he has played through out the years? Wouldn\u2019t it be crazy if he was Captain Jack in this movie? Man oh man, I know the thought gets my blood pumping. I\u2019m also a complete asshole. We need to find out Depp\u2019s character\u2019s name before I have to reference Secret Window.<\/p>\n – Johnny Depp is playing a guy named GLENN? Well okay. Glenn goes out to investigate some SPOOOOOOKY sounds coming from outside and Tina\u2019s dickhead boyfriend pops out to tackle him. Hey he looks and acts like Sal from Night of the Demons! Man, if Tony Danza had been born a decade later, he would\u2019ve been raking in the cash. Oh yeah, this guido is named Rod. No word on if he calls himself \u201cThe bod\u201d in private. You know he does though.<\/p>\n – Glenn hears Tina getting a penis assisted hysterectomy from Rod. Give it to her good pizza king!<\/p>\n – Everyone is asleep. Tina is awoken by some unsettling noises from the outside of the house. Someone hisses \u201cTinnnnnnaaaa\u201d and Freddy does his iconic face and hands through the wall business above a sleeping Nancy. Still can\u2019t stress how great that effect looks. All the Godless CGI in the world couldn\u2019t reproduce it, making me wonder why they even tried in the remake.<\/p>\n – Tina has gigantic sacks of testosterone so she goes out into the alley to investigate. She\u2019s awake, right? Right. Sure. You think that. You idiot.<\/p>\n – Freddy time! We get the WACKY LONG ARMS OF FATE and more knives on metal sound effects. Freddy does a zany chase of Tina and keeps popping up at random. To be fair, it startles me twice. He chops off 2 of his fingers just for kicks.<\/p>\n – FACE RIP GAG! Gotta love Tina yanking his supreme pizza face off.<\/p>\n – Back in the real world, Rod is awaken by Tina in a complete panic. She\u2019s still in bed and having one massively violent outburst. Chest slashing commences and then the grand finale, as Tina\u2019a wildly bleeding body is dragged across the wall, up to the ceiling and then dropped into the pool of gore on the bed. Oof, yes movie. Touch me there. The entire time this is happening, Rod is going \u201cTina! TINA! TINA!!!!!\u201d I don\u2019t know if I would\u2019ve had the proper response to this situation, but I would\u2019ve at least panicked and accidentally pissed on the credenza.<\/p>\n – Nancy and Glenn hear the screams of torment coming from up stairs so they break in. Rod is nowhere to be found. I\u2026am not sure of Rod\u2019s game plan here, but I am nodding in confusion a lot.<\/p>\n – We\u2019re at the police station now and JOHN SAXON IS HERE. Look at that man! If I even partially resembled Mr. Saxon, I would casually rape and beat anything I found suitable of beatings and rapings. You feel me? Saxon is the Lt. at the police department and also Nancy\u2019s Dad. He\u2019s pretty peeved off by the night\u2019s events.<\/p>\n – The next morning, Nancy\u2019s mom is up making breakfast. That breakfast? A large bottle of vodka. Hm, might be clear rum actually. In any case, she\u2019s the type of woman you spend one helluva passionate evening with and then get the fuck away from. She tries to convince Nancy to stay home from school, but Nancy is having none of that.<\/p>\n – On her walk to school, we get a few shots lifted from the original Halloween. Then suddenly Rod pops out and drags Nancy into the woods. He is in desperate need of help you see. Oh shit, Nancy\u2019s Dad used her to set up the sting and cop cars come flooding in to make the arrest. Nancy is all \u201cDad! How could you?!\u201d and her Dad is all \u201cI AM JOHN SAXON\u201d and that ends that argument.<\/p>\n – In class, lots of Hamlet references about lying parents and deception and what not. Nancy is dozing, having not gotten a lot of sleep the night before. And of course, she looks to her right and sees Tina\u2019s destroyed corpse in a body bag. Is this a bizarre premonition of the events of Columbine in the years to come?! Not at all.<\/p>\n – Tina\u2019s decaying body is less than enthused by her current state. Nancy decides to wander into the hall to follow the blood trail she\u2019s left behind. Great shot of the corpse being drug off by an invisible force.<\/p>\n – Nancy turns the corner a little too sharply and runs into the hall monitor. The synth is practically thrown down an empty elevator shaft full of cinder blocks to get the proper jarring loud response that is needed to signify terror. Said monitor is of course wearing Freddy\u2019s attire and the girl playing this role proceeds to do an achingly embarrassing Freddy impression.<\/p>\n – No one can really do a proper Freddy impression without sounding like the Cookie Monster with a bunch of dicks in his mouth.<\/p>\n – Dream state Nancy ventures further into the bowels of the school in search of decimated Tina. She finds the boiler room and of course, Freddy finds her.<\/p>\n – On the commentary track featuring Craven and Heather Langenkamp, Heather pointed out a huge cyst on the side of her head and now I can\u2019t stop looking at it. It\u2019s massive. Freddy is a distant second in the \u201cMost horrifically disfiguring injury\u201d category as a result of this thing. Yikes.<\/p>\n – Freddy slashes his chest causing maggots and the slime from Nickolodeon to spew out. The murder of Stick Stickly is mercifully off screen.<\/p>\n – Freddy is about 80% more menacing than the follow ups would have him. Here he\u2019s all sadistic giggles, vaguely sexual references and glove scratching on metal pipes. He hasn\u2019t even made a bad pop culture reference yet. \u201cCharles in Charge? More like FREDDY AHAHAHAHAHAHA\u201d<\/p>\n – Ugh.<\/p>\n – Nancy slams her arm into a scolding pipe and that brings her back to a conscious state. She screams bloody murder in class and evacuates quickly. The black soul brotha in front of her\u2019s reaction is tremendous. He resembles Jive Soul Basketball Playin\u2019 Urkel and I for one would like to see more of this character.<\/p>\n – Nancy discovers that she is actually burned on her arm in continuation from her dream. Hmmmm.<\/p>\n – She decides to go visit Rod who\u2019s head is still somehow greasier than any French fry could ever hope to be. Rod explains his messy bedroom situation and Nancy goes ahead and buys it. The fellow playing Rod actually does a nice job with the scene. I think we have our new De Niro! I\u2019m sure he went on to a successful career.<\/p>\n – An IMDB search reveals his next credit is in a film called \u201cGOTCHA!\u201d His name is JSU Garcia and based on this alone, I say he has a future in MMA. Uh, let\u2019s just move on.<\/p>\n – Bath tub scene. Nancy gives us the full version of the 1-2 song and passes out. Glove from below around the crotch! Before Freddy can strike initially, Nancy\u2019s Mom wakes her by knocking at the door and warning her of the perils of drowning in the bath tub. Christ, is her Mom drinking a rum and milk in this scene?!<\/p>\n – Nancy falls asleep again and Freddy drags her under the water and there\u2019s a prominent set piece the remake was missing. For shame, remake. Nancy escapes and finds some fast acting caffeine pills in the cabinet.<\/p>\n – Trying to stay awake, Nancy takes in a showing of what looks like the original Evil Dead. There is no excuse for not using the tree rape scene here.<\/p>\n – Glen (Let\u2019s spell it with one N the rest of the way for kicks) startles her by sneaking in Nancy\u2019s window. Glen is wearing sweat pants, revealing that Johnny Depp has a really scrawny ass. He does.<\/p>\n – Nancy has a plan! Glen\u2019s job is to stay awake and alert her should she start spazzing out during her sleep, she\u2019s gone a dream investigatin\u2019!<\/p>\n – For some reason, Nancy\u2019s pajamas resemble a Mexican eatery\u2019s dress uniform. I keep waiting for her to offer Freddy a side of queso to go with his tortillas.<\/p>\n – Nancy dream sneaks over to the jail and sees Freddy preparing to butcher Rod like the guido pig he is. Jesus, that was a trick and here\u2019s another majorly unsettling surreal image of Tina in a body bag. She spits up a centipede and appears to be standing in a foot of eels or possibly haggis.<\/p>\n – Freddy is all \u201cBooo!\u201d and chases her back to her house. Melted marshmellow steps slow her up however! Man, I want to eat those steps every time I see them. Just dump it on me. Freddy wears Tina\u2019s face briefly just for giggles.<\/p>\n – Freddy vs. Nancy in the bedroom battle to end all bedroom battles. Fucking alarm clock saves Nancy before Krueger can finish her with the Bossman slam. Nancy bitches out Glen because he fell asleep and almost got her slaughtered. That\u2019s a fair point of contention to be honest.<\/p>\n – Nancy and Glen immediately run to the police station to make sure Rod is okay. John Saxon apparently works 24 hours a day and is still pretty irritated. His head is 90% hair spray.<\/p>\n – Back in Rod\u2019s cell, a sheet is casually slipping around his neck as he sleeps. One shot reveals him to resemble a young Michael Jackson from some angles, causing me to take a 30 minute break.<\/p>\n – Rod is deader than the sequel potential for Meteor Man and that\u2019s that.<\/p>\n – It\u2019s early morning and we are at the cemetery for Rod\u2019s funeral. JESUS LOOK AT THE CYST ON HEATHER LANGENKAMP\u2019S HEAD. God. Gross.<\/p>\n – I\u2019m not one to usually point out these sort of things, but I\u2019m watching the Blu-Ray version and the film has never looked better. Wonderful transfer, the cemetery scene is just glowing.<\/p>\n – Nancy explains to Papa what she saw and the description makes every parent in the areas eyebrows raise with fear and curiosity. What secrets does this small town hide from it\u2019s beautiful trusting children? WHAT HAS SOCIETY DONE TO THE FRATERNAL BOND?!<\/p>\n – Nancy\u2019s Mom takes her to some sort of center that specializes in dream monitoring. Sure, let\u2019s run with that. The doctor looks like a smaller Dave Meltzer. Does he have the scoop on Louis Spiccoli turning on Van Hammer? Better subscribe! Assholes.<\/p>\n – Deep sleep now for Nancy and you can tell it\u2019s the 80\u2019s because Nancy\u2019s Mom is chain smoking in a hospital. Mmmm, sweet lady nicotine eases the pain. Did anyone else start smoking just to take advantage of the ridiculous amount of breaks you get at work if one smokes? God knows I did.<\/p>\n – Nancy starts dry humping the air so everyone rushes in to resuscitate her. Nancy\u2019s hair has been streaked grey in one spot, she has 3 deep scratches on her arm and she has Freddy\u2019s hat from her dream world. Her Mom makes sudden and ferocious use of a bedpan at these revelations.<\/p>\n – We haul ass back home because the hospital doesn\u2019t supply us with vodka. Good Lord, the woman is drinking and in her pajamas at 3 P.M. it seems. Nancy confronts Mom about this Fred Krueger person. What an unfair attack, the woman is \u00be\u2019s into a bottle of feel better juice and this bitch of a daughter is attacking her parenting skills. Nancy\u2019s mom RIGHTFULLY bitch slaps the piss out of her. Slow down the pickling of my inner organs will ya!<\/p>\n -Mom explains that Krueger is dead and can\u2019t get her. Nancy breaks the bottle of hooch and then storms out. Lucky for her, Mom was about to rip her vertically in half over that bullshit move.<\/p>\n – Glen explains some voodoo hocus pocus new age crap that I\u2019m sure will come into play later. If you turn your back on evil in your dreams, it ceases to exist. I stroke my well trimmed goatee at the thought of this.<\/p>\n – Nancy gets back home to find her house completely barred up. Mama is chain smoking again and has ANOTHER bottle of the good stuff. This woman takes no prisoners in her awful self destruction and I cannot respect her enough for that.<\/p>\n – Freddy back story time. Liquored up Mom gives the details that all of you should be familiar with by now. Cop fucked up the search warrant, Freddy went free, vigilante justice, crispy Krueger etc. He can\u2019t hurt you because Mommy killed him. She even saved his glove for some reason.<\/p>\n – Oh man, jump to Glen\u2019s window and revel in his use of the 80\u2019s cut off belly shirt on a man. Nancy and GlenNnnn agree to go through with an idea where Nancy drags Freddy out of dream land and he knocks him out. The 90 pounds Mr. Depp was working with here was not going to knock shit out. Hey he has a cute stuffed vulture on his bed. Nyawwwww.<\/p>\n – Glen\u2019s ma tells him to get his ass to bed, but in a sweet loving way which he responds to with good natured humor. My mother never loved me as much as Glen\u2019s loves him.<\/p>\n – Nancy and her shitfaced slut of a mother have an awkward moment and Mom puts her to bed. But remember! The plan! They gotta do the freakin plan! Nancy has a pot of coffee hidden in her room and sucks that down, then puts on her warrior nightgown or something.<\/p>\n – Nancy gets up to leave her room, but before she can exit, she spots her Mom digging through the linen and pulling out yet another bottle of fire water. This woman is a miraculous thing and I officially nominate her for the POOKE HALL OF FAME. What say you, Chiky D?<\/p>\n – Nancy tries to get ahold of Glen, but he\u2019s fallen asleep and his parents are being dicks about it for whatever reason. Suddenly! Nancy\u2019s unplugged phone rings and the synths get sinister. I bet it\u2019s Eegon Spangler.<\/p>\n – Freddy is of course on the other end and we get the infamous French kiss through the phone. I\u2019ll be honest, if I had a phone that randomly jutted a tongue out, that thing would be so far up my ass you would never find it.<\/p>\n – Nancy goes to try to help Glen, but her Mom even in her destroyed state has outsmarted her by locking the place up and throwing away the key. Hoho, the liquor is mightier than any type of sobriety. Touche!<\/p>\n – Glen gets sucked into his bed by Freddy. Well at least he got off easy in comparison to Tina.<\/p>\n – Whoops! Spoke too soon. The bed erupts like a shaken up Miller High Life and sprays Glen\u2019s blood and innards all across the god damned ceiling. His mother walks in on this and let\u2019s just say it\u2019s the most devastating thing a human being has ever accidentally stepped in on. Now that scene is what a loving God gives to his children.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/pooke.thedreamisdead.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/05\/a-nightmare-on-elm-street-johnny-depp-300x225.jpg\" "\\"a-nightmare-on-elm-street-johnny-depp\\"")
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