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Quick note about the DVD menu: It\u2019s scored to Hardcore Holly\u2019s entrance music. Usually, the use of wrestling themes in every day life would make me pretty excited, but it\u2019s Hardcore Holly, so I\u2019m not even sure why I\u2019m mentioning this. I also just came to the realization that anyone who\u2019s not a wrestling fan who has heard me speak of this \u201cHardcore Holly\u201d person probably thinks I\u2019m referencing a porn actress. I wish I was, frankly.<\/p>\n
Oh and another quick note: I am watching the unrated version of the film, so that means there could be upwards of an additional 3 seconds. Let\u2019s go!<\/p>\n
-We start with the usual white text on black backdrop that the first set of Chainsaw films utilized so well. This one is no exception as it fills in a few holes between the 2nd film and this one. And hit the credits.<\/p>\n
– Welp we\u2019re 10 seconds in and already a woman has had her face smashed in by a hammer and is being turned into a skin mask. I could really go for a nice spa day and a refreshing skin mask right about now. Oh yeah, one of her friends is watching through a window and has apparently escaped the family\u2019s clutches. She will come back into play later.<\/p>\n
– Hoho! Semi epic guitars and bells being hit. That leads to us meeting our heroes, Michelle and Ryan. They give us some back story, but I was too busy doing a wikipedia search on Newport Cigarettes for reasons that are lost on me.<\/p>\n
– Oh yeah, they\u2019re taking a relative\u2019s car cross country for delivery and that involves a quick drive through desolate, miserable Texas. Over the radio, we hear a report about a body pit being discovered. They found my body pit!? Haha, just kidding guys.<\/p>\n
– Checkpoint at night. We get a hanging shot on a reporter looking concerned and of course, that turned out to be the 2nd film\u2019s \u201cStretch\u201d, a nice bit of wink wink continuation for the 7 people who would not only catch this brief cameo, but also give a good god damned.<\/p>\n
– Ryan notes that it looks like they\u2019ve died and gone to hell. Oh I don\u2019t know Ryan, I\u2019d say your hell began long ago when God cursed you by making you look like The Blue Ranger\u2019s older, even dorkier brother.<\/p>\n
\u00a0 – Ryan\u2019s face was bothering me and it finally hits me that he\u2019s in one of the Friday films\u2026Hold on\u2026checking IMDB\u2026using ellipses\u2026to…simulate a passage of time\u2026Yep. Sure enough, he was in Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood. And the remake of Night of the Living Dead. The Ghoulies 2. And he directed Demonic Toys 2. And he was the writer of Return of the Living Dead 4 and 5. And The Gingerdead Man series. BWAHAHA THE 3RD GINGERDEAD MAN MOVIE IS CALLED \u201cSATURDAY NIGHT CLEVER\u201d<\/p>\n – So yes, that is probably the most depressing IMDB not owned by Buff Bagwell officially.<\/p>\n – ANYWAYS. Guys in biohazard suits are digging up the body pit and that is a lot of gooey skull. Really nice FX work here, as this all comes off genuinely revolting. Like your mom. Burn.<\/p>\n – Michelle calls Ryan \u201cMr. Pre-Med\u201d in a bit of dialogue that sounds totally natural and not forced in any way.<\/p>\n – It\u2019s morning and the kids pass a sign for the Last Call gas station. Ryan makes a bad joke, briefly distracting Michelle and she plows into an arma..armadi\u2026armadillo. Armored Dio is what I was going to call it at first. This leads to a scene that always has bothered me, as they actually stop the car and get out to check on the little fella. Do people really do this!? I could plow into the Pope and I\u2019d just keep going under the assumption that he\u2018s already dead anyway.<\/p>\n – Ryan ends up having to smash in the armadillo\u2019s face because Michelle is a pansy ass liberal. LET ME MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS REGARDING HEALTHCARE, MICHELLE.<\/p>\n – We jump to the Last Call gas station and Viggo friggin Mortensen is getting dropped off. I\u2019m going to guess he pretends none of this ever happened. The owner of the gas station is also here making porno collages. It\u2019s a beautiful hobby.<\/p>\n – Ryan runs to the can, giving creepy gas station guy a chance to startle Michelle and then take her picture. He attempts to sell it to her for profit, but she declines. This forces him to say awkward things while he fills up her car. And so on and so on.<\/p>\n – Thankfully, Viggo has stepped in to break up the probable rape. I ain\u2019t queer or nothing\u2019, but I think I\u2019d make love to cowboy Viggo.<\/p>\n – Tex (Viggo\u2019s character) charms Michelle nearly out of every fiber of clothing. He notes the blood on the front of the car and gives us the \u201cThere\u2019s road kill all over Texas\u201d line that the film made famous. Famous for me. And maybe the 3 other people who really enjoy this film. Holla if ya here me 3 other people!<\/p>\n – Michelle excuses herself to the bathroom and stumbles into cut up porn heaven. This gives Alfredo, our creepy gas station attendant who I kept forgetting to mention by name, a chance to peep at her while she\u2019s using the facilities. Tex catches him and whips his somewhat rodent like posterior pretty handily, leading to this exchange.<\/p>\n Tex: Why don\u2019t you just shut up, stupid?<\/p>\n Alfredo: YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKER!<\/p>\n – CINEMA.<\/p>\n – Ryan has the body of an oversized toddler. Alfredo runs inside and fetches his shotgun, so Tex tells them to make a break for it. – Alfredo blows out their back window and apparently kills Tex. Oh yeah, pre peeping while Michelle was in the can, Tex had suggested an alternate route to Houston to Ryan and now Ryan is quite insistent that they take this way. You see what\u2019s coming, right?<\/p>\n – Back at the gas station, a massive truck covered in sewn together flesh fires up and peels out in hot pursuit. Alfredo – The sun has went down with record speed, the music is pumping and all radio stations have ceased to work. Ryan and Michelle bitch at each other in particularly annoying fashion and suddenly, the giant skin truck is right on their ass. \u201cIt\u2019s right behind us!\u201d screams Ryan in a particularly moving bit of dialogue. The truck driver throws a dead coyote at the car and smashes their windshield in. They also somehow get a flat. Things are going well.<\/p>\n – While changing the tire, Michelle keeps hearing an ominous squeaking sound. I hate when squeaking is ominous. And out of nowhere, big huge nasty wart infested stinky Leatherface explodes onto the scene with saw a blaring. Michelle hops inside the car while Face chases Ryan around, smashing in the back window and carving up the trunk hood in the process. The car of course just will not start giving us more time to notice that Leatherface just won\u2019t go over to the passenger side of the car, open the door and smash Michelle in the face with his cock or whatever it is he does.<\/p>\n – Finally, the car roars to life, leading to Michelle backing over Leatherface. This just pisses him off and he rips the trunk hood off as they speed away.<\/p>\n – But to hell with all that scene because KEN FOREE of Dawn of the Dead fame is here! He\u2019s driving along, being all cool as fuck, being all DOWN with being cool as fuck. You know!<\/p>\n – A buddy of mine went to a local horror convention that featured Ken. He was going to get his VHS copy of Dawn of the Dead signed. When he got to the front of the line, Ken said \u201c30 bucks my man, pay the lady to my right for me to write on your shit.\u201d My buddy went \u201cUh\u2026ok.\u201d and paid. Ken yelled \u201cThat a baby!\u201d, signed it and then said \u201cWho\u2019s next?! I gotta GO!\u201d Always enjoyed that.<\/p>\n – Ryan yells at Michelle to pull over so he can tighten the lug nuts. Ryan taking charge as the \u201cman\u201d of the relationship is really cute, like when a 2 year old tries to eat peppers and the peppers burn his mouth and the 2 year old is sad because peppers are burning his mouth. I love when babies ache.<\/p>\n – Tex randomly appears in the middle of the damn road and that causes Ken Foree and the kids to end up having a massive wreck. Ryan and Michelle are knocked loopy and Ken performs some half ass paramedic work on them while Ryan tries to explain all the murder and horror they\u2019ve avoided. And since it\u2019s a horror film, he just laughs it off and tells them he\u2019s a survivalist.<\/p>\n – Oh wait, they convince him quickly by noting the damage done to their car. Ken\u2019s name is Benny by the by. Benny goes from motherly black guy to all business black guy in the blink of an eye. My God, Ryan is setting a new world record for whiniest most obnoxious balding nerd of the last 30 years. Just unbearable.<\/p>\n – Benny goes to retrieve some supplies from his truck, but finds a flare trail and some deranged looking oily redneck with a robot hand who proceeds to act menacing. I wouldn\u2019t be able to be afraid of this man because the entire time he did his menacingly laid back speech, I\u2019d be thinking \u201cWHERE\u2019D HE GET THAT ROBOT HAND FROM AND I WONDER HOW MUCH HE PAID FOR THAT ROBOT HAND!!\u201d<\/p>\n – Robot Hand Flare Man has the skin truck with him by the way. Benny goes to jump in the back of the truck, but notices all the huge saws and get\u2019s a sinking suspicion. He runs to his jeep to get his fucking MACHINE GUN, but Robot Hand Flare Man With Skin Truck is all \u201cFuck that shit!\u201d and almost plows into him.<\/p>\n – The resulting fall sends Benny down the biggest hill in all of Texas and he lands right at the feet of Leatherface. Man, there are bad days and then there are bad days.<\/p>\n – So yes, Leatherface vs. Ken Foree!! Ken with some nice front heel kicks before shooting for the legs and taking the top mount. Leatherface really needs to figure out a better defense for the ground and pound, Foree is just riding him around like a small pony at this point.<\/p>\n – Leatherface unfortunately has a small handheld saw in his pocket and jams it into Ken\u2019s leg to get him the hell off. Why didn\u2019t anyone ever try that on one of the Graycie guys? The first 50 UFC shows might have been more thrilling then.<\/p>\n – Oh yeah! Remember that girl from the first 5 seconds of the film that I mentioned? You don\u2019t because you\u2019re skimming this article? Fair enough. Well anyway, she\u2019s here to save Benny\u2019s bacon and cause Leatherface to chase her.<\/p>\n – I know I\u2019ve been switching Foree\u2019s character from \u201cKen\u201d to \u201cBenny\u201d every other time. I accidently typed \u201cKenny\u201d once and just sat there staring at it for an hour or so.<\/p>\n – Ryan and Michelle finally decide they should probably get to moving. Michelle prays for sunrise. There is no joke here.<\/p>\n – Random girl circles back around to Benny and relates her devastating story of woe. She\u2019s mostly just delirious and rambling not unlike myself after the 4th hour of trying to finish this review.<\/p>\n – Benny goes out to locate the white kids and finds a shit load of booby traps and a bubbling swamp. Sadly, he left random chick alone and Leatherface almost immediately stumbles upon her and slams his saw through her abdomen. She should\u2019ve screamed \u201cOuch, my abdomen.\u201d We then cut back to Benny who says \u201cWell, damn!\u201d Indeed!<\/p>\n – My God, this movie has more shots of people walking tensely through the woods than most flicks. Ryan steps in a fucking bear trap and Leatherface springs out to finish the job with his second disemboweling in the last 3 minutes. That\u2019s a hard working man\u2019s pace. Quick cut to Benny looking confused again. Benny is just fucking perplexed, I tell ya.<\/p>\n – Michelle finds a house that probably smells of the rotting corpse and has noticeable piles of bones everywhere. She goes in anyway to find a cute little girl who is crying. This is all a masterful trick or something and ends with Michelle getting stabbed in the leg with a knife and the return of Tex who is noticeably more evil now. God, he\u2019s still stunningly handsome though.<\/p>\n – Back at the swamp, Alfredo rambles to himself and throws trash bag piles of corpses away. Let\u2019s get the hell out of that scene and here\u2019s Viggo Mortensen hammering nails through Michelle\u2019s hand to a chair. Holy God in hell, that was genuinely brutal.<\/p>\n – Old nasty Grandma comes in and she speaks through a voice box, bringing to mind Ned from South Park or a robot that needs maintenance. Just then, Robot Hand Man with the Flares and Skin Truck comes in with what\u2019s left of Ryan\u2019s mangled body. Hold on, me and IMDB have to have us a pow wow.<\/p>\n – Robot Hand Man WiTh The Flares, Skin Truck and Ryan\u2019s Mangled Body\u2019s character name is Tinker. That\u2019s right. Hey a 4.7, that\u2019s better than expected. Good for you, shitty sequel no one saw.<\/p>\n – They hang Ryan up by his ankles on meat hooks and Tex\u2019s delightful chuckle reminds me of how I tried to replicate it all through 4th grade. What a shithead child I was.<\/p>\n – We actually get to hang out with the family a decent amount and watch them interact with one another. Always enjoyed that, they come off like a healthy unit that just happens to cannibalize other innocent people. It\u2019s charming for God\u2019s sake.<\/p>\n – Ryan is \u201cstill kickin\u2019\u201d and Tex mocking him is pretty darn rewarding stuff. Not rewarding to keep me from cracking a bottle of gin, but still. Oh yeah, your gin of the evening is\u2026<\/p>\n Tanqueray Rangpur! For when you want your gin to burn slightly less than usual! Tanqueray Rangpur: It was always there for you. Not like your fucking FATHER.<\/p>\n – RANGPUR.<\/p>\n – Back to Alfredo who is still taking out the trash and threatening to quote \u201cshove Tex\u2019s face up his mother fuckin\u2019 butt.\u201d Alfredo proceeds to challenge Tony Montana\u2019s all time record for use of the f-word in one rambling bit of dialogue. Benny watches this from afar with even more confusion.<\/p>\n – Hey back at the party, Leatherface is here and is trying to share his tunes with Michelle. She is not interested. Haha, shitty headphone cassette player. Fuck you, old technology!<\/p>\n – Tex and Tinker bring in a gift for Leatherface and it\u2019s the biggest saw in all the county. It says \u201cThe Saw is Family\u201d on it and is one huge penis extension for our favorite inbred cannibal hick.<\/p>\n – Tinker notes that Leather face \u201clet the darkie get away\u201d and so he chunks Leatherface\u2019s headphones into the stove. This pisses off Leatherface who forces him to get it back out barehanded. I am only half paying attention as I try to get as much gin in my body as possible without my right eyeball exploding.<\/p>\n – Hey, let\u2019s go back to Alfredo who notices a trap has been sprung. And then Benny is here to and pointing a gun at him. Alfredo\u2019s \u201cDo I know you?\u201d sadly makes me laugh. He then calls him \u201cO.J.\u201d and me and gin are having a delightful time.<\/p>\n – Alfredo says \u201cFuck you, mister!\u201d and Benny smacks the dogshit out of him with the gun and knocks him into the water. Well, there ya go.<\/p>\n – Back home, Leatherace uses a child\u2019s toy for his \u201clessons\u201d and sadly keeps listing the picture of a clown as \u201cfood.\u201d Hehehe\u2026AHAHAHAHA. I enjoy all of this.<\/p>\n – Kenny sneaks a peek into Leatherface\u2019s window. Man, maybe should\u2019ve went ahead and shot him in the back of the head there. Or just walk off casually, whatever.<\/p>\n – The family goes ahead and violently finishes off Ryan right in front of Michelle, with the little girl going ahead and doing the final coup de grace. They note his underpants are \u201ccolored\u201d and guess he is from California. I like all of the cannibals more than the normals.<\/p>\n – How did I forget to mention that Grandpa is back? Oh right, the gin. Well he\u2019s back except now except instead of being exceptionally old, he\u2019s just a rotting corpse. It\u2019s sweet of them to still include the old bastard.<\/p>\n – Leatherface draws a target on Michelle\u2019s face and revs up the saw, ready to finish this. Benny has finally made his way around to the kitchen window however, screams \u201cMOTHERFUCKER\u201d and begins wildly firing into the scene. He should\u2019ve aimed, he really should\u2019ve aimed. Grandmama takes 3 to the chest, Grandpa\u2019s corpse gets it\u2019s face blown off and Tinker loses some fingers and an ear. Well way to go, you killed a dead man and a might as well be dead woman. God dammit, Ken.<\/p>\n – Tink screams \u201cGET THE BITCH\u201d and I guffaw. Michelle mans up and rips her hand off the nails and I guffaw again, but in that looking at the floor with horror way.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/pooke.thedreamisdead.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/08\/LEATHERFACE-6-300x168.jpg\" "\\"LEATHERFACE-6\\"")
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\nAlfredo directs the line \u201cI will FUCK YOU in HELL!!!!\u201d at Michelle and I end up spewing a brown lager everywhere in response. Ladies and Gentleman, I love life sometimes.<\/p>\n
\nwildly runs around the front of the station screaming \u201cIt\u2019s Armageddon, bitchface! It\u2019s Armageddon, you bitch! God dammit!\u201d and suddenly, I miss my Grandpa.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/pooke.thedreamisdead.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/08\/tc2-300x168.jpg\" "\\"tc2\\"")
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