Candyman

Let’s get one thing straight right out of the gate: Tony Todd kicks a substantial amount of posterior. An imposing look combined with a voice that sounds like it could’ve done the spoken word parts of Boyz 2 Men songs has given him a nice career in the horror industry. He’s a little different for me though.

Tony, he’s a real actor. That’s not a knock on the fellows hidden behind the Myers and Voorhes masks, but lets be honest, they didn’t have a lot of emoting to do. Grunt and stab, let the make up effects do their work. Robert Englund is an undeniable icon, but his act became a self parody about 20 minutes into Nightmare 4: The Shittening. Todd certainly had the aforementioned physical gifts, but his true strength was in his acting, always quiet and dignified with a few streaks of rage.

He’s probably most well known for the Night of the Living Dead remake that Tom Savini did ( a film I like infinitely more than the overrated original, but that’s a whole nother bag of fan boy enraging) and as the titular villain, Candyman. We’ll be taking a look at that one today. My assistant will be my own level of self importance.

– The show opens with Mighty Pegasus jumping the Tri Star logo. Feel the nostalgia fill your veins, the warming hug of late 80’s/early 90’s film company logos fitting snuggly around you.

– Overhead shot of the highway of a major American city, accompanied by music courtesy of Phillip Glass. Suitably epic and depressing.

– Full frame of shot of bees and Tony Todd speaks over the top of this with his voice meant for phone sex. The bees float up and engulf the city. I hate when nature rebels against all of our modern conveniences, stripping us of all flesh and self respect.

– Scary story time! A lady relates the tale of a young woman babysitting and inviting a rebellious handsome tough guy over to slam her brains out. The guy playing this rebellious handsome tough guy hear to slam those brains out? One TED RAIMI. When I think rugged bad boy with strikingly good looks, God knows I jump to an image of Sam Raimi’s geeky giraffe like younger brother. He does have hair product in, meaning he is not one to trifle with.

– The couple in the story start doing the deed in the bathroom and unfortunately, Ted and the young actress have similar builds. Goodness, it’s like seeing a couple of the monsters from The Descent going at it.

– The girl relates to young Raimi the tale of Candyman. Say his name 5 times in the bathroom mirror and he’ll come for you. Ted gets up to 4, but is all “Nahhhhh, let’s just get to creating a child neither of us could ever possibly love.” Babysitter sends him downstairs to wait for her. She of course says the 5th Candyman. Cut to less successful Raimi looking up at the ceiling and a gallon of blood starting to seep through the above floor. Whoops.

– The story is being told to Helen(as played by Virigina Madsen), a graduate student doing a report over urban legends. No word on if Clive Barker shit his British running shorts when he saw the film “Urban Legend”, but I will keep you up to date.

– Helen goes to meet her husband, a professor at the local college. The seeds of mistrust are planted as one of her husband’s students pretty much rubs her throbbing wet pussy all over him. Helen is a bit upset with him going ahead with his lecture over the urban legend phenomena while she’s still trying to wrap up her thesis over the same subject. I…am not sure why, but to be fair, I was trying to pry open a Kronenbourg on the kitchen counter while they were talking. Didn’t get to the beer, but chipped the hell out of the faux marble. A good day’s work.

– Helen’s typing up her report on a computer with less memory capabilities than some books I own and she seems dubious at best towards these tales of Candyman. A cleaning lady overhears the Candyman stuff and relates to her co-worker knowing the Candyman and where he stays. Eh?

– Apparently the Candyman stays in the projects at some run down apartment complex. Candyman and myself have a lot in common and this thought leads to me going ahead with some gin shots. Apparently a woman named Ruthie Jean heard someone trying to break through her walls, called the cops about it and they found her gutted. I will probably name a pet “Ruthie Jean” at some point, possibly a cat or some sort of exotic fish.

Helen and her black friend who’s name I missed are having some delicious chardonnay and Helen reveals that her place was originally built as a housing project, but through some racially motivated malarkey, they were turned into high end condos. Why is this important? Because her apartment and the god awful apartments have the same design and layout. Her bathroom mirror is just stuck on the wall with no barrier between her place and the next except a medicine cabinet that is easily moved. And the cock thickens.

– Later we get a jump scare as Helen’s husband Trevor startles her in bed. The scene serves no actual purpose. Whatever movie.

– Bernadette is her black friend’s name! Always exciting when you stumble into the character’s name and don’t have to call her “Black Lady” anymore. Bernadette and Helen are traveling to the projects to find out the truth about Candyman.

– The score is quality my friends! Lots of choir singing supported by organs and maybe some subtle synth. That combined with Madsen looking pretty bangable already have made this film a pleasant surprise. Yes, Bangable.

– The dynamic duo come to a stop and observe the locals. Ladies and Germs, we have our first appearance of what black youth thought looked cool in the early 90’s! The amount of neon turquoise starter jackets and purple wind pants is staggering. They talk a little smack to the uppity well dressed ladies. The dastards!

– The complex is a rotting towering tribute to personal misery and failure. Lots of graffiti and bad lighting. Helen finds some graffiti that she finds note worthy, “Sweets for the sweet” it says. Her photo taking pisses off a tenant who nearly let’s her rottweiler loose on them. Ma’am, I’ll have you know that you are rude.

– They come to Ruthie Jean’s apartment and Bernadette is officially going to play the “Whiny friend who is technically right, but so annoying that you beg for an act of congress to lead to her being shot into the ocean where the mass amount of sea dwelling beasts rip her apart, limb by limb, no organ spared the searing pain of being dug into by nature’s cruelest hunters.” Yep.

– Helen sneaks into the next apartment and we get a pretty significant looking graffiti piece of the Candyman. There’s candy sitting on the floor and inside of it lies razors. Helen runs out of film. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail, Helen!

– Said woman with the dog startles them again and LAWDY she done got the urban accent. “You ain’t belongin’ here, goin’ through people’s THANNNNNGS” Girl, you ain’t lyin’!

– They enter into her apartment and she reads them the riot act about how not ALL the brothas and sistas are on that yayo and gang banging. She then mispronounces her own child’s name and generally acts like a well meaning, but uneducated jackass. No wonder Tony Todd is trying to kill all these people, he’s got CLASS dammit.

– Anne Marie is this strong brown woman’s name and her baby just threw up all over her Ihop uniform. Ah, you just can’t win sometimes. She heard Ruthie screaming. Her 9-1-1 call lead to no response. She too uses the name “Candyman”. I’m sure Anne Marie will live to see her son grow old. Yes.

– We jump to a fancy restaurant that all the rich kids are dining at. A Penn Gillette look alike is dining with our main characters and he’s an obnoxious asshole. You can tell because he has an accent that is certainly NOT of American origin. He mocks Helen’s attempt at doing a story over the Candyman and then gives them the original legend. Also, his face looks like a roast.

– Candyman was the son of a wealthy inventor during the mid to late 1800‘s. He had been sent to all the finest schools and had a natural talent as an artist. His primary means of earning a living was that of a man who painted portraits to show off the power and wealth of the rich at the time. He of course was commissioned by a man who’s daughter he fell in love with and then knocked up.

– But oh whoa to the Candyman! Her daddy didn’t like her layin’ down with no Harlem Globetrotter, so he hired a group of thugs to attack him and they sawed off his right hand. They weren’t done though! They were near an apiary where hundreds of bees were then living. The jerk offs stole their honeycomb and spread it over the injured Candyman and the bees proceed to sting him to death. And even THEN they weren’t done, burning his body and spreading his ashes over Cabrini Green, right where the complex currently stands. Helen can hear the screams of the Candyman in her head and it’s used to chillingly good effect. Really well done scene.

– Helen is back looking for Anne Marie, but she’s out. Helen is informed of this by a little fellow named Jake. A black person named Jake!? Now the film has lost me in it’s realm of stretches and fantasy.

– Helen pumps this kid for information, but he’s afraid of Candyman getting him. Helen finally convinces him by essentially calling him a giant raging scaredy cunt. I too am sure Jake will live a long and successful life.

– Jake takes her to an outdoor restroom, passing a pile of shit that will be the basis of a bonfire in the coming days, and relays the story of a retard getting his junk cut off. We actually get some flashes of the incident and anytime a bloody toilet is the center piece of a scene, I’m sold. Very unsettling.

– Of course, Helen has the combined intelligence of Rodney Dangerfield and a pack mule so she goes to investigate the bathroom It stinks like shit, mostly because there is literal shit pretty much everywhere. The toilets have been wrecked. King Kong Bundy strikes again. One of them is full to the brim with a swarm of bees. “Sweets for the sweet” is smeared on the wall.

– Some dumb looking wanna be tough guy asshole runs off Jake and enters the restroom to in

imidate Helen. One of his accomplices looks like Geofrey off of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air so much so that I actually say aloud “Hey! Geofrey!”

-The guy claims to be the Candyman and then absolutely smashes her on the side of the face with the gigantic hook he carries around. Luckily, with the blunt side or the movie would be over, I suppose.

-Jake actually returns to find her and saves her ass, becoming the most successful African American hero of all time. Sorry Black Panther, there’s a new sheriff in town!

– We cut to a line up at the police station with a bunch of black guys in trench coats saying the line “We hear you’re lookin’ for Candyman, bitch” and I cackle every time the 2nd guy who goes delivers his version. Words could never do it justice.

– Jesus CHRIST, vicious looking welt on the side of Helen’s head. Flinch inducing stuff. Helen confirms to the detective that the guy who committed the act is there. He’s tied to the murders of Ruthie Jean and retardo too. Helen meets little Jake outside and confirms to him that he will be safe and Candyman isn’t real. Oy.

– Helen is back at work and about to head home for the day. Unfortunately, big black boots and a long fur trimmed coat having mother fucker want to speak to her. First appearance of the actual Candyman over 40 minutes into the film and it’s worth the wait. Candyman of course says epic shit and looks like a fucking beast silhouetted by the sun, never quite giving you a good look at his face.

– Helen is in awe, probably because he looks so amazingly awesome. Candyman approaches and Tony Todd pretty much destroys your God fearing soul with his performance. Just wonderful. He has been denied by her and made to look like a myth and nothing more. He must shed innocent blood to prove he still exists. Big ass hook hand. “Be my victim.”

– Helen passes out and comes to in a pool of blood and it ain’t hers. Someone is screaming in horror on the other side of the door so Helen opens it to find she’s in Anne Marie’s apartment. The dog’s head has been chopped off. Anne Marie is looking over her child’s crib which is soaked in gore. Helen has a meat clever she found as protection on the floor and Anne Marie puts 2 and 2 together and attacks. Helen has to lacerate her arm just to stop her head from getting bashed in and just then the cops kick the door open and you can guess the conclusion they come to. That is one shitty Wednesday night.

– Helen is arrested and taken into police custody where a big terrifying bitch of a police woman makes her strip. She does it coldly too, simply following procedure. Helen is sobbing and I am vaguely scarred by all of this.

– Frank, the detective she spoke to earlier, is pissed the fuck off. He thinks Helen’s flipped. They all think she’s a filthy baby murdering bitch. She calls home for Trevor, but he’s not there. It’s 3:00 am so we all know he’s balls deep in some vapid beautiful college kid. Good for him, I say. He looks like an AIDS ridden Bruce Willis for Christ’s sake.

– Inexplicably, Helen is allowed to smoke in her prison cell. She goes into a daze and see’s where the child is, firmly in the hand of the Candyman. Trevor finally shows and bails her out. The media is ready to feed outside. On an unrelated note, I should wash my jeans more.

– Baby Anthony has not been found, but the blood soaked crib is possibly just the dog’s blood. The police are going for murder one, so they need the child’s body. Hmmmm.

– Hey Helen is nude and has a pretty nice rack. She sits down alone at her dinner table and cracks her Bud light while lighting a cigarette. All of these details combined make me want to elope with Helen.

– Helen reviews the photos she’s taken so far and initially finds nothing. But hark! In one, she happened to catch the reflection of herself taking a shot and someone’s large imposing figure is there in the background. Helen slowly starts to remember. This leads to her having what appears to be a coffee and beer at the same time. What an animal.

– To be fair, it may have been soup and not coffee. Still gross, but not as life alteringly awful.

– She mopes her way to the bathroom and looks at the trick door medicine cabinet sadly. Suddenly, Candyman’s giant hook slams through the thing and I dropped my keyboard from being terrified. Originally, this section went “She mopes her away AWWWEZGDZHDGDGHDGJDGG GOD” and yes I express all of my emotions through typing as soon as I feel them.

– Vague arousal, followed by contentment. See?

– We get Helen tearing her way through the apartment and making her way out the door, but Candyman is there. And then he’s back inside. He tells her he has the child. Either Helen must die or the baby will take her place. He feeds off of the fairy tales of him, so her disproving a lot of them with the arrest of that one jerk off has really peeved him.

– Bernadette of course has the worst timing in the history of existence and shows up with flowers. She enters and comes face to face with the Candyman. Just for a moment though, as he proceeds to rip her apart. Black on black crime is so sad.

– Trevor comes home to find a writhing, blood covered Helen. He of course calls the cops.

– Helen awakes to find herself handcuffed and storms into the living room. She gets a first hand view of Bernadette who now resembles a skinned Daffy Duck.

– “Why do you want to live?” asks the Candyman of Helen as she is driven to the station. Candyman gets off another fairly awesome speech and we get some blood soaked walls just for fun. Anne Marie’s baby is still alive and Helen prays for help.

– Oh wait, they took her directly to the asylum. She’s strapped to a bed and that’s just not the sort of thing you want when the Candyman is needing your life. He floats above her and asks for one kiss, but disappears before her screams bring the staff.

– Candyman lets the baby use his still existing hand for a binky. Awww. Short, but strangely effective scene.

– The next morning, Helen is awoken by WACKY orderlies and the movie confirms that every guy who’s ever worked at an asylum or hospital is an obnoxious, unfunny ass.

– They take Helen to meet with a Dr. Burke. It turns out Helen has been in the asylum for a MONTH as she’s been kept doped up for the entire time. Burke reveals she has been charged with the murder of Bernadette. Let’s be honest, Helen’s life fucking sucks.

– Burke shows her some footage of her stay and her chronic unraveling. In the tapes she claims to see the killer, but of course there’s no one there.

– Helen says she can call the Candyman and tries to utilizing Dr. Burke’s mirror. Candyman’s being a dick of course and doesn’t show. Burke is not impressed. The score! It just adds so much. Oh Jesus, suddenly Dr. Burke gets fucking IMPALED from behind and Candyman drags his hook up the length of his spine. He cuts Helen loose and busts out a window for her escape. He needs her at a meeting before the congregation.

– Slightly insane at this point, Helen goes to find Trevor. When she gets to their apartment, certain walls have been repainted and new furniture has been added. Oh and that cute blonde who flirted with Trevor is there too. Ahaha. The wheels have truly come off.

– Trevor is there as well and Helen proceeds to absolutely flip shit on him and the 12 year old he’s banging. Unhinged Virginia Madsen is an effective Virginia Madsen. Good stuff. Helen breaks down and begins to cry and Trevor is still scared shitless of her.

– Helen says “It’s over.” and storms out. Loved that scene. She goes to a bridge and overlooks a river, the Candyman in her head reminding her that all she has left is his “desire” for her.

– Helen makes her way back to the projects, back to Ruthie Jean’s apartment. Despite all of the bloodletting and a month in a drug induced coma, her hair still looks great. She finds a mural of Candyman’s final moments as a living being and then the cad himself, resting. Huh? Evil sleeps? She hooks him in the throat, but of course, he’s just having a little fun with her.

– She reminds Candyman of their deal and they begin to swirl to the lovely piano music playing on the score, a brief but beautiful choreographed dance.

– Tony Todd delivers another perfect speech on the immortality that awaits her, but of course the pain will come first. He then opens up his chest cavity, reveals himself to have a mouthful of bees and then kisses her. Cinematographer in this film is earning his money, everything is so well framed and handled perfectly.

– Candyman says some private words to the baby and it just isn’t going to be that simple as her life for the child’s, is it? She finds another mural, with the words “It was always you, Helen” written over the top of it. She looks a strikingly amount like the woman Candyman loved once upon a time. Ahhhhhh.

– Helen hears the baby’s cries from the trash heap. The score suddenly becomes inspiring and almost gospel in style. Helen races into the heap to search for the child, arising some of the locals, including Jake.

– “He’s here.” says Jake and I shake my fist mightily at the screen, the success ratio of the film beginning to overwhelm me.

– The choir comes back in as some of the locals douse the pile of shit heap with gasoline while Helen and the child are still inside. They set that baby ablaze as the Candyman pops out and holds Helen in place. The crowd grows and they all chant “Burn him!”

– Candyman is of course playing a pretty nasty trick. They can never be separated, him, her and their baby. He holds her close inside of the burning heap as she cradles the baby.

– She impales the Candyman with a burning spear as the thing collapses around them. Oh God, a log fell on her and she’s burst into flames. The Candyman begs she come back to him.

– More inspirational music as Helen climbs out of the wreckage, burned bald and missing most of the flesh on her back and hands the child back to Anne Marie. Candyman explodes and a swarm of bees flow out of him. Strangely touching.

– We cut to Helen’s funeral. Not a lot of people there, which is understandable seeing as how she’s viewed as a vicious killing machine by society.

– Suddenly, all of the beat ass apartment complex show up to pay their respect. They know what truly happened and love Helen. Jake and Anne Marie make it to the end of the film, officially wrecking my sarcastic “long life ahead of them” jokes from earlier. Trevor is stunned by this. Jake throws the hook into her grave.

– Back at their home, Trevor sits in the bathroom, contemplating what the hell just happened. His girlfriend is being annoying because she’s blonde and young and young blonde people suck. The guilt sets in. Trevor thinks back to how well his wife treated him.

– He looks in the mirror and cries. He really should get away from that thing. He says “Helen”…and then he says it again…and again and again and again. Her scalped form reappears with a large hook and jams it into what I believe used to be his dick. She leaves Trevor in a pool of his blood to be found by his slut.

– We get one more soaring vocal performance and Helen is revealed to have a mural of her own back in the projects, that of a saint.

– Hit the credits.

Final Thoughts: I’d like to call this movie “underrated”, but that would be assuming anyone truly gave a shit. Candyman became “The only black serial killer” to popular culture and not much more, mostly thanks to people not really seeing the original and the usual stream of lackluster sequels.

So I will implore you if you haven’t seen this, please go get it and watch it. And if you have seen it and it’s just been awhile, give it another go. Part fairy tale, part psychotic ghost revenge tale, the film works on so many levels that I dare not nearly kill myself trying to explain it all. It’s just GOOD, with wonderful performances by Todd and Madsen, a Grade A score, a message that never gets heavy handed, unique usage of the ghetto and a bittersweet ending that is hard to top. Let me also say, it’s a pain in the ass finding good screen shots for this thing because THIS:

Keeps popping up. Oh yeah, ****½