Whatchoo know about Night of the Demons (1988)? Probably not near enough and that’s a shame. I will never understand how such a delightfully crass and vile film slipped through the mainstream conscious while Chucky continues to cackle maniacally as his red hair shimmers in the wind. The film does have a remake coming out relatively soon, but it’s been doomed to direct to DVD status and a starring role for Shannon Elizabeth. Mother of Mary. So let’s pretend none of this has happened and discuss a party thrown by a girl named Angela.

Oh what the hey, let’s throw in some booze for the pure fun of it. Today’s guest commentator will be Hussong’s tequila! Hug a Mexican, tell them you appreciate what they do. Okay, let’s roll.

– 4 quick shots, with the last one resulting in me walking around the living room at a quick pace and squeezing my eyes shut tightly as I tried not to erupt like an Icelandic volcano. Went down the wrong pipe there. Feel kind of like a wuss because I just started. I calm myself. It’s going to be okay I whisper to no one.

– Opening credits and DIG that kooky animated sequence. Always liked that and it sets itself apart right off the bat; reminds me of old Vincent Price movies. Why isn’t Vincent Price in this? And the Wizard of Oz? And Inception? What the fuck ever Hollywood.

– Stooge, Rodger and Helen are going to a part-eh. And Stooge moons some decrepit old man. He didn’t like that slab of young nubile flesh being pointed his way and he voices his displeasure. Ah the 80’s.

– A fellow named Jay is trying to convince his LADY to come to the infamous Hull House for a Halloween party. I am only covering this so we can get our character introductions out of the way. You picked up on that, right? Oh yeah, her name is Judy. There’s no joke here, I apologize.

– Angela is introduced stealing a few goodies from a local gas station. Her way of distracting the cashier? Her comrade Suzanne’s ass. Linnea Quigley, ladies and gentleman! This is one of those scenes in the film where as a child I really hoped my mother didn’t need me as I was callously exploring my boy body. Nothing was gentle about my love.

– Shots. I am reminded that I am not a particular fan of tequila. I also couldn’t find my orange juice after inhaling the 2^nd of 2 shots and nearly collapsed. I’m like a wannabe frat girl struggling through initiation at this point.

– Stooge and his group get a flat on the way to Hull House. Lots of cursing! Stooge and John Goodman have a lot in common from a purely physical standpoint. Goodman of course had a much sunnier disposition.

– Judy and Jay are joined by Francine and Max. Francine is the rare white whale of 80’s horror films: An exceedingly attractive Asian woman who may get partially nude. 12 year old me was practically in a puddle of my own juices upon initial sight of her. You need to know these things. Oh yeah, they do the “Need a hand? SARCASTIC CLAP!” gag. If no demonic activity would have occurred, I must assume that Stooge would’ve gotten liquored up and blood would’ve been spilled anyways over this altercation. AIN’T THAT RIGHT, STOOGEY?!

Yeah! He’s all fired up!

– Some bullshit about how evil cannot cross a running stream of water. An underground stream marked by a wall happens to encircle the house. Demons are pretty much gigantic pussies if a little stream is going to slow them down. I am officially challenging Hell to a fight, fuck it. Satan, bring your best adversary. I got a mystery tag team partner that will be revealed later in this very post. Are you on pins and needles? Yeah, I bet you are.

– Oh yeah, some guy named Sal is here too. He’s exceedingly Italian. He likes Pasghetti! Yes, Pasghetti, it’s not a typo. Shut up.

– Punk rock music and a fat guy dancing. It must be Halloween! Where is the gratuitous drinking? Oh, it’s currently entering my system, as I knock a quick shot out. Hey, that was much easier.

– Power goes out. Of course it does. Angela decides to go the séance route and I got to admit, this party is far from “bumpin’” or “fly”. But hey, anytime you can go to a party with 9 other unlikable shits, you gotta do it.

– Helen catches a glimpse of a demon in a mirror during the séance and then her own corpse slamming into the other side of the mirror. My party night is probably over once the premonitions of my own death begin. Always liked the way the demon looked too, just a simple puppet I believe, but more unnerving than a million CGI sharks that eat LL Cool J’s bird. What I’m saying is, fuck Deep Blue Sea.

– Oh yeah, Suzanne was possessed by a demon during the séance. Probably a plot point I should share.

– Helen is freaked out, Roger is black and gettins’ mighty nervous massa and everyone else is ready to fuck. So let the splitting up begin. Jay and Judy head off with Max and Francine while Roger and Helen head to the parking lot with Angela’s keys. Suzanne invites Stooge to the bathroom, but first sticks her Satanic goat whore tongue down Angela’s mouth, sharing some of her demon with her. Well that would be very thoughtful under any other circumstances.

– Roger and Helen can’t find the gate they came in through, Max creeps out everyone with the legend of Hull House, Jay can get NO ass off of Judy and Suzanne won’t let anyone in the bathroom. Oh fuck yourself if you want better details, RENT THE THING. Jesus. Whiny. Helen runs for it for some reason. Roger is all “Nah girl, I am chillin’” except not really because he’s playing a complete wiener.

– The Lord gives us liquor to make us happy. Thank you Lord. And the fine people at Hussong’s tequila. Hussong’s: Tastes like shit, but it’ll probably black her out!

– Actually, it’s really nice tequila.

– But it will still black her out. High five? Anyone? There it is.

– Suzanne’s face pretty much turns into a big omelet and her demonic form is revealed. That’s a good make up effect fellas. Stooge hears a mirror shatter and forces his way in, but finds no vagina to insert himself in. What bullshit.

– Sal is stuck with Angela in the living room and demon or no, I would be all over her in a second. Not sure what this says about me, but it’s got to be good, right? Sal is intrigued but then Angela starts in with the time of atonement speech that ALL chicks use when they don’t wanna give it up. She starts dancing to some Bauhaus with strobe light assistance. I refuse to not be aroused by this after all these years.

– Shots. Tipsy. Let’s go fight people we don’t know.

– Stooge enters the living quarters and sees Angela going all slutty goth dance off. He is ready to fuck, dammit. Sal tries to warn him against this, but there is nothing stopping the psychosexual pleasure that Stooge demands. Sal books it out of there, wisely. Stooge of course ends up getting his tongue bit off. How ironic. I guess?

– Huh?

– Sal is trying to find someone else and locates Suzanne in the john. Now the movie must move to the next level, of course. Sal is so not into Suzanne writing all over her bare chest with lipstick so he evacuates. She doesn’t take this well and as a result pushes the tube into the middle of her nipple. It completely goes inside of her is what I’m saying. Great effect. The commentary actually reveals that Linnea ended up marrying the guy who made the mold of her breasts for this scene. Who says love is dead?

– Jay enters and he doesn’t give a shit what Suzanne is doing, he is fucking something. Good on you Jay! Max and Francine are going to fuck in a coffin. And a good on you Max! These guys, what a great bunch.

– Sal tries to relay to Angela that he is SOOOOO outtie, but she turns around and her hands are in flames. Well then. He makes a break for it, but the door is locked and Angela uses the husky deep throated “GAHHHHHHH” to put the heebie jeebies in him.

– Roger has locked himself in a car and is sleeping. The Lord of darkness rises him by throwing Helen’s corpse into the windshield. Jump scare! And a good one. Her corpse just keeps slamming into things. He runs to the house to warn the others. Roger always was the best of us.

-Oh shit, my mystery tag team partner is here. HIT THE MUSIC.

Amerrrrreeeeeekhaaaaaan…DREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAM

– The legendary, DUSTY RHODES! Former multi time World Champion! What say you about the devil challenging me, Dream!?

– “Lemme telllll you sumtin bebe…the AMERICAN DREAM ain’t afraid of no evil! He ain’t spooked by the cookey cackly sounds of darkness! No sir! NO SIR! You wanna know what the fear is, dark Lord Satan? THE FEAR…in…in LIFE is not some ooky demon man comin’ out the closet to get ya! NO SIR!. The FEAR a man feels, a good hard workin’ man like the fellows here at the Pookey, THE FEAR they experience is workin’ day and NIGHT on dis’ here website and SEEIN’ NOTHIN’ but HEART ache. They ache Dark Lord Satan. Just common…meeeeen. Working hard…wit dey hands…only to get REPLACED by fancy new websites. 30 years! 30 years Chikodemono worked on dat dere Pooke…and then they KICKED HIM IN THE BUTT, gave him a watch to remember them by and said ‘Oh! Your web abilities! They is too archaic! They is dated! You out da do’ bebe! But he wouldn’t take that…no sir…not heeeem. And not me. The American Dream…born the son of a plumber…My friend here! Glamorama! I don’t know what dat is! What’s so damn glamorous about em! But he is a man I love like my own son. And LORD DARK SATAN! When you put yo’ finger in my son’s chest and challenge him…you challenge…the Dream too. So bring yo’ friends! Bring yo’ family! Because me and Glamorama, we is here and we is ready. I love these people, and I love each and every one of YOU sittin’ at home watchin me right now! THANK YOU!”

– Alrighty. Thanks Dream.

– Suzanne and Jay is getting dey sexy on. She asks Jay if her make up looks okay and he says of course it is. Mind you, at this point it’s smeared everywhere and looks like she head butted a cherry pie. But he must finish dammit. Suddenly, Suzanne turns into her demonic form and buries her thumbs in his eyes. Good God. At least the demon gave up some ass before wrecking him beyond recognition. Curious horny bugger, aren’t you Beelzebub?

– Francine is topless. Thank you movie! Used to pause this scene on VHS a lot as a child. Of course, it had those damn lines across the screen so it wasn’t as satisfying as it could’ve been.

– I write reviews only to inform you of my masturbatory habits.

– Stooge shows up, snaps Francine’s neck and then severs Max’s arm by slamming the coffin lid down on it repeatedly. Jealous asshole. That cool weird sex demon in Suzanne would’ve just joined in for awhile.

– Roger is all “SHIIIIIT I AM SCARED SHIT IS SO SCARRRRRRY” and finds Angela fully transformed. LOVE that make up job, ferocious looking beast. Roger hauls ass out of there and runs into Sal. Sal is all “Shit is weird!” so they run together. What beautiful interracial lovers.

– Nasty yellow alcohol fueled piss goes down my throat.

– Smoking a cigarette outside of my apartment. A guy walks by and notices my Mars Volta shirt. ‘Cool shirt, dude.” I say “Thanks.” Then he notices I am drunk and chain smoking, so he gives me a funny look and gets out of the general area. It’s 3 in the afternoon by the way.

– Back to the movie. Roger and Sal find Judy and they all run around like a buncha assholes. Roger catches a really great visual of Angela approaching, so like any decent man, he ditches his friends and runs like hell. Can’t argue with that strategy.

– Sal is all “Yo yo yo” when they find Suzanne holding Jay’s mangled body. She flings him out the window to the grounds and let’s Judy run back into the hall where all the doors begin locking themselves. Uh oh.

– Judy makes her way into the only unlocked door and it’s where Max and Francine’s dead shells arm. DISEMBODIED ARM ATTACK. Why the fuck not? Piles of corpses are chasing blondie now.

– We’re on the roof. I missed how we got here, I was IMDB’ing Francine. Her name is Jill Terashita. HEY! It’s the same hot Asian in Sleepaway Camp 3. Glad to see she got her money’s worth out of those babies before leaving the business. Oh yeah, Angela and Sal fall off the roof resulting in his brutal impaling. Take that, macaroni Sam.

– Judy falls off the roof as well and lands on Roger who is giving a genuinely good performance in this. Let’s see what his name is…Alvin Alexis! Let’s do a shot in his honor.

– Ahhhh. Alvin! My man!

– I turn back to the screen and the survivors have invented a flame thrower somehow. Well alrighty then. Stooge is PISSED.

– And a demon.

– They make it back to the living quarters and Roger fills his Long John Silver outfit with shit AGAIN and ditches Judy. All the demons congregate and act scary. Roger flings himself out a window to escape and Judy follows. Roger is an inspiration.

– Judy and Black Jesus figure out they must scale the wall to get out of harms way. The only problem is it’s covered in barb wire. This would not slow down Terry Funk.

– Roger says “Fuck it” and mangles his hands but manages to escape over the top. Judy is a fucking WOMAN so she is useless and caught by Stooge’s burnt ass as she scales the wall. But no! Roger has grown a pair and comes to her aid. He drags her over the wall just as the sun rises and this makes the demons turn into vapor apparently. Yeah buddy!

– More liquor in my face.

– The two beaten ass kids walk on home and pass the elderly man Stooge mooned earlier. He bitches about kids and apparently his wife hates him because she’s snuck razorblades into his apple pie. He dies. She says “Happy Halloween dear.” Ahaha, she’s a psychopath.

Hey this baby STILL cooks. Always will hold a place with me. The combination of gore, pointless nudity and really great effects mean you pretty much got to own it if you have horror buried deep in your heart as I do.

My favorite quotes from the film, you ask? Why sure!

Stooge: Eat a bowl of fuck! I am here to PARTY!

Stooge: SHUT UP AND DRIVE BITCH!

Stooge: Festering fuckwads! You cannot take this bitch ANYWHERE!

Stooge: [pounding on the bathroom door] Damn it bitch, c’mon! What’d you do, flush yourself down the fucking toilet or what?

Angela: Rest assured we got something wonderful planned for you, so much pain, so much *sorrow*!

Angela Blessed be the sinners, for the day of atonement is at hand.
Sal: Say what?
Film: ****, few slow points, but no major complaints from me.

Liquor: Pretty good! I’m not a tequila man really, but this got the job done with a minimum of me hitting my lovers.

?