Night of the Demons 2. The mere mention of it’s name brings to mind films like The Godfather 2, The Bride of Frankenstein or even say Terminator 2. Sequels to classic American cinema that arguably pass there predecessor. None of this is true, but it seemed like a relatively amusing point to start off with. I have been informed none of this was funny. Hm. Oh Well, UNLEASH MY LION’S GATE DVD COPY OF NIGHT OF THE DEMONS…TWOOOOOOOOOOOOO. *plays wicked solos and fucks bitches*

– We start off with a couple of clean cut door to door sales people. Somehow they have wound up at the front door of Hull House and are spreading the Lord‘s sweet word. Oh some high quality semi-ironic comments are about to commence my brothas.

– The assholes just let themselves in when no one answers their incessant love of God our savior based knocking. Well now these people just deserve to rot. Angela of course slides in. The lady asks her if she knows the world is ending soon. Oh you bet Angela does! She’s a demon you see. That’s her goal. WANT SOME CAKE?

– That’s what Angela asked them, if they wanted cake. Pretty nice for a mean spirted bitch lap dog of Satan. Will wacky cake death happen!?

– Devil’s food cake joke ladies and gentleman. Buckle up, shit just got real. Sadly, a boring knife related death is all we get out of this section. Angela does give us her first demonic “GAHHHAHAHA!” so that’s worth…well not a lot really.

– Really bad credit sequence with shots of chairs rocking and other antiques being mischievous. Lightning reveals to us we’re at a boarding school.
– And the movie gives us some T&A before they even try to formulize a plot. 2 fellas are a peepin’ at you ladies. I wish the TV could hear me. For some reason, none of the guys have shirts on either and there is a lot of nude chest to back incidental contact. Fuck yeah.

– All the guy’s are totally ripped dude. And getting boners together. The nerdy kid from Tremors plays the nerdy kid in this flick too and apparently he was in the bathroom for a long because one of these more athletically inclined fellas asks him if he was “spanking the monkey“. I was going to make a sarcastic remark about how lame the early to mid 90’s speak was, but when I first heard the term “spanking the monkey” I nearly passed a lung through my asshole I laughed so hard. I was 9.

– Now we’re in the girls dorm and look at the rack on that brunette who’s name I forget to wait for. She is Boobs and nothing else to me. Oh yeah, all of these kids are supposed to be in High school, but they’re all my parents age.

– Man…look at Boobs go.

– And yes, that is Christine Taylor AKA Marcia Brady from the 90’s Brady films. She’s looking feisty, I can see why Ben Stiller has loveless sex with her. Oh wait, she’s explaining back story. Shhhhh.

– Christine Taylor AKA the girl from Hey Dude explains the legend of Hull House to both of her roommates. They found all the kids from the first movie mutilated and destroyed. Angela though? Nope. Rumor goes she descended directly into hell. Just then, a meek little brunette walks in and says some things shouldn’t be spoken of. Foreshadowing! Boobs is all “Shut up you suck ewww I am not a nice person” and the redhead gives her a sympathetic look that reminds me that there are still good people in this wretched ol’ world. God bless it!

– Guys, I’m about to hose the screen. That is a fine looking female cast. What do you mean I’m pushing 30 and this shouldn’t be at all exciting anymore? Let me have this, JUST THIS ONCE.

– A nun breaks up the festivities by swiftly dousing their candle with a swat of her ruler. Will the Blues Brothers be in this? Wait and find out soon!

– That meek little brunette has a terrible dream. Let’s call her Mouse from now on because that’s what everyone in the film’s call her. The dream you ask? Oh yeah, sure. Angela is consoling her and calling her sis and telling her how everything is going to be okay. She then turns into her hell spawn form and rips half of her cheek and jaw off. Good money shot! River of blood out the mouth and everything. Mouse of course sits up straight in bed and screams a lot waking the other girls in her room up. They don’t like that very much. The redhead continues to show sympathy. Great character that redhead. I guess.

– We go to Sister Gloria’s room, the nun from earlier and she’s practicing fencing with her ruler. She looks a lot like Meryl Streep and seems to be a competent actor. Meryl Streept has 2 Oscar’s and this lady is in Night of the Demons 2. Thank you fate, you’ve fucked us all again. Except Meryl Streep. I like Meryl Streep though, so that’s cool.

– Father Bob pays us a visit! He asks Sister Gloria some stuff, she responds with hesitation, blah blah blah, I shit out my Cheerios from earlier. There’s a dance coming up apparently and Father Bob suggests the kid’s take more control of it. Gloria hates this. She’s a bitch ya know.

– Oh man look at all these scenes that I cannot even bother to try describing. We get a look into both the female and male school mates classes. Perry, that nerd from Tremors I spoke of (you remember, right?) wants Father Bob to explore demonology in the class more. Father Bob shits all over that idea. Ha, what a god damned shitty awful ugly Tremors geek.

– Johnny and Kurt, the 2 main meatheads gratuitously flirt with Boobs and Redhead. You aren’t getting their names, they are objects to me and nothing can change this. Kurt and Boobs end up dry humping on a tennis court and Sister Gloria is pissed like only an old bat can get. She bans them all from the Halloween party. Yep.

– Perry performs some demonic rituals in a part of the school as an experiment. Angela pops out of the mirror and frankly scares the shit out of me. I want to smack Perry right in his fucking face.

– Boobs and Kurt are going at it in the school van. Hell, Boobs name is Shirley. She gets a name because she’s actually doing a good job with the…lackluster material she’s given. Kudos Boobs! She invites Kurt to Hull House.

– Ya know, everyone’s actually fairly respectable at what they’re doing in this thing. It’s throwing me off a little, not nearly enough flubbed deliveries and accidental confused facial expressions.

– Redhead’s name is Bibi. I give in. She can be more than a weird sex thing for me now.

– And on cue, Johnny and Kurt peak in the girls window again. Look. At. Shirley’s. Tits. Even. While. Concealed. In. A. Bra. Period. Thing. For. Effect.
– Shirley convinces Bibi to invite Mouse along. Uh oh. The kids meet outside and are picked up by Shirley’s boyfriend, Rick. Kurt is all “Dude!” and realizes he will never get to graphically place his penis between her mammaries. I’ll be honest, I was bummed out for him.

– Perry is a snoopy little bastard (possibly Jewish) and finds Kurt’s map to Hull House. He is NONE to pleased about that, let me tell you.

– Hey! Rick calls Terri (Christine Taylor’s character) Marcia like a year before she was ever cast in the role. What a wacky place Hollywood is. Yeppers.

– Hull House! Mouse starts freaking out. Rick tells her to shut the fuck up in hilarious fashion. I think we have our Stooge! Thank God, you can’t have Hull House slaughter without a relatively large, abusive redneck. Mouse decides to stay in the car because she is sooooo scared.

– We get the requisite “explore the house and say random things” moment of the movie. Bibi, asks Johnny to take a walk. USE YOUR DICK ON HER DUDE. Kurt starts hitting on Terri because he is going to fuck something, come hell or high water. Everyone splits up for awkward sex attempts. Shirley and Rick have brought a cat for some goofy ass sacrifi-my God, her breasts. Oof. Just a great necessary moving piece of art.

– Bibi goes to the bathroom and finds a tube of lipstick. For some reason, she tries it on and slips it n her purse. I guess it was fare of her not to assume it had been pushed through someone’s flesh as a result of their demonic possession in a previous film.

– Johnny takes Bibi to the huge bed he found. Bibi whips out the rack and all is right with the world. I mean Johnny kind of resembles a lead in one of the Revenge of the Nerds films, but I consider that a compliment.

– Some asshole in a werewolf mask scares Mouse and she runs into the house for sanctuary. His name is Z-Boy and he makes out with Shirley too. Rick seems cool with it and they both wear leather jackets so you can tell they are down ass motherfucking buddies. Z-Boy does Andy Dick like spasms and barks a lot. Please kill him. Shirley and Rick decide to sacrifice their “Lil Mouse!”.

– Everyone is called back to the living room for the big show. Kurt and Terri make it first to find Mouse tied up. Johnny and Bibi are late because he is just rubbing her tit sweat all over his face.

– Z-Boy is like Mathew Mcconau…Mcconauh…the lawyer from a Time To Kill meets a sack of meth. Yes, that is a good observation.

– Oops, Angela pops in to watch Johnny slam Bibi for awhile. She seems mildly amused.

– Sacrifice time. Oh nope, cut back to the sex scene. Dammit, they paid that actress extra to show the boys and they’re getting their money’s worth.

-The house starts to stink and a reference to Godzilla’s nasty rectum is made. Angela pops in and startles Mouse. Everyone decides it’s probably time to go, but Terri has to piss first. You useless tramp. She goes to the bathroom and finds a demonic head in the toilet. Must live in Wisconsin. Whatever that means.

– Z-Boy sees Angela pass by and he gets erect. He says “Honey Chile’” and I enjoy the character now. Yep, that’s all it takes. Whoa, well Angela just flung him down the fucking stares. She jams her demonic tongue down his throat and he either dies from it or catches an amazing orgasm. And then we get a rare demon on man hump/rape scene. And so Z-Boy dies with honor. Cinema!

– The rest of the gang hightailing it the fuck out of there. Everything is fine now! I must assume this.

– Perry rats out the kids to Sister Gloria (DEFINITELY Jewish). They go to take care of that and suddenly the lame Catholic party she was watching over gets CRAZ-EH!

– Back in the car, the evil from hell lipstick startles Bibi who wants to trash it, but Shirley is an idiot and holds onto it. Ah the plot is being moved my friends, it is rollin’.

– Just noticed that there isn’t a lot of gore in this one so far. It changes. Oh Lord, does it change.

– The kids get back to the grounds. They notice the party is rocking so they say things like “Party on!” and pump their fists. Teenagers do act like this, I shall assume. Terri just wants to fuck Kurt so they go off on their own. Good for Kurt, the nights really sucked for him.

– Shirley goes to the bathroom for a touch up. Of course, she has the devil’s lipstick and it turns into a pseudo dick and rams itself down her throat. She manages to escape it initially, but then it climbs all the way out of the tube and up her vagina. The lipstick turned dick rape scene in Citizen Kane is shot a lot better to be fair, but this is pretty awesome in it’s own right.

– In all seriousness, if you’re just skimming this article, this is for you: A TUBE OF LIPSTICK JUST TURNED INTO A DICK AND SHOVED ITSELF INTO A WOMAN’S VAGINA. Not a particularly thick cock mind you, skinny like one of those pins they signed the Declaration of Independence with.

– Angela spews out in smoke form of the tube then reforms. She jams her tongue down Shirley’s mouth. I cum all over myself. Yeash.

– And we’re back at the party. For no reason what so ever MORBID ANGEL comes on and Angela dances like a complete whore. MORBID ANGEL. Angela looks tremendous. Johnny is getting a boner and Bibi is very offended by this. What a prude.

– Hey hold on a sec guys, I gotta be a douche bag…

– CONFRONT ME! UNHOLY ONES! BASTARD SAINTS! SCORN OF THE EAAAAARTH!

– YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. *acts like an asshole who enjoys death metal* No seriously, I really do enjoy Morbid Angel. Forgive me.

– Angela pours punch on herself and flirts with Johnny. Shirley rejoins the party and rips off her top so she can force Rick to touch her tits. Unfortunately, they turn into acidic demon hands and melt them into cheesy flesh and bone. Thank you movie! Demon Shirley then snaps his neck. Well at least he went out grabbing demonic titties. Only him and the guy Mr. Monopoly was based on can say that.

– Sister Gloria wards off demon Shirley and then orders all the kids to the chapel to hide. She then goes to her room to “prepare”. Cue the martial arts sound effects and water balloons full of holy water. Oh Christ.

– During all of this, Kurt and Terri are making out in the schools van. He gets to touch her tits and seems pretty happy with this. Then Angela’s hand comes through the seat and begins rubbing his crotch. Middle finger. Kids run. Did I already make the “Cinema!” joke? I did? Fuck it, CINEMA!

– Angela’s make up scares the genuine shit out of me and I can’t explain this. Whoa, she just decapitated Kurt. AND HIS CORPSE DANCES AROUND IN A CONFUSED FASHION FOR A FEW MOMENTS! AND NOW SHIRLEY IS RAMMING HER EVIL TONGUE DOWN TERRI’S THROAT! THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT! AND NEARLY UNREADABLE!

– Angela appears in Mouse’s room and tries to trick her into thinking this is her old big sister. It sort of works for the moment.

– Perry, Johnny, Sister Gloria and Father Bob have stock piled ammo. Well actually, Father Bob just woke up and looks pissed that he has to help anyone. It’s a fair point.

– Demon Terri attacks Bibi who left the sanctuary the other kids were hiding for some stupid ass reason. The group of Jew Nerd, Dork Johnny and Sister Gloria show up and pour holy water down her throat. She throws up green shit. The movie has gone off the rails in the best way possible. Somehow Terri is okay?! I dunno movie.

– Uh oh, Mouse and Angela are running back to Hell House. Hey there’s demon Rick and demon Shirley to drive them. How great!

– Big goofy shit argument between Father Bob and the rest of the gang. He says nothings wrong, they think everythings wrong, yadda yadda yadda. They finally decide to all go to Hull House. I zoned out, sorry. I have no idea what’s going on, but am still entertained.

– We are in Hull House again. Father Bob is still a skeptical cock. He demands they split up. Oh Father Bob. He goes with Perry and Bibi, Johnny and Sister Gloria go the other way. This should be a disaster.

– Bibi gets locked in a room and Johnny gets the beauty slapped off his face by Angela. Perry and Father Bob are confronted by demon Rick and he stabs Father Bob repeatedly while quoting scripture at him. Well that’s delightful. Perry douses him with holy water which leads to Rick’s head basically looking like a really fresh cheese pizza. Mmmm!

– Johnny runs into Kurt dribbling his own head like a basketball outside. This leads to a lot of bad sports puns, but the effect looks great. Oh fuck this scene, Jesus.

– Perry and Johnny are running around the house randomly trying to find Bibi. Z-Boy demon ends up smashing Perry in the face with a baseball bat with nails sticking out of it. Johnny fends off Z-Boy by taking a karate stance and going “Hiya!” I drink 3 more beers.

– The Perry character will go down as one of the most poorly conceived pieces of shit in crappy horror film history. Is he a hero? Is he a ratty little schmo? Do I like him? No. But am I supposed to? MAYBE.

– Perry says noble stuff after chugging holy water and then dies like shit. Dig that crazy Abraham from the Bible reference!

– The movie is about 10 minutes longer than it has any right to be.

– Bibi is still lost because she’s a dumb broad. Z-Boy demon startles her and we have demonic cock jokes! Sister Gloria shows up and starts swinging her rosary around like nun chucks. Get it? Nun? Chucks? Ohohoho, I’ve had a lot of beer.

– Demon Father Bob and Demon Shirley attack but Johnny’s here! He ends up backing them into a room and squirting them with a holy water a lot. There, they pretty much turned into one giant melted lasagna. Glorious scene, limbs and legs and guts spilling everywhere.

– Poor Boobs.

– Sister Gloria, Johnny and Bibi finally reach Angela who proceeds to do her best Pinhead impression while Mouse lays unconscious ready for sacrifice. Not too bad on the whole “Epic speech about being on the edge of infinity” I guess. There’s a trick head chopping gag so god damned stupid I am going to pretend it didn’t happen. Thank you.

– Battle of faith between Mouse and Sister Gloria. Angela makes a “kick the habit joke” and I nearly blow ANOTHER wad. Sister Gloria switches places with Mouse but uh oh! It’s a trick. Angela tells Mouse if she decapitates Sister Gloria, she can have infinite power.

– Swerve! Mouse ends up impaling Angela. Sister Gloria nips up and douses her with holy water leading us to a wonderful effects shot of Angela’s face imploding in on itself. Surely, this night of horror is over now.

– Oh no, wait Angela has turned into a giant demonic rattlesnake. Did Mortal Kombat steal that from the film for their “Animality” gimmick? We may never know. Sadly, this cheap ass films giant snake looks about 20 times better than the Mortal Kombat films shitty dragon. Fuck you.

– The Angela snake demon has three rows of tits and I have just as many boners to match it. Angela snake grabs Bibi and Mouse and prepares to FINISH THEM but Johnny uses a jumping Sasuke kick to a boarded up window that conveniently breaks in the shape of a cross. Light smashes into Snake Angela and she explodes like an overstuffed burrito put in the microwave too long. What do you mean I’ve used like 10 examples of food to describe these various scenes?

– The kids get back to the school. Everyone is happy! Except the girl who finds the lipstick from Hull House. An AWFUL CGI snake explodes out and hit the credits!

-Well what the hell. Okay, so the movie officially isn’t better than the original. It did take me 73 viewings of each through out my life to decide this epic debate, but there’s no questioning the results. 2 has a few too many slow parts and no one near as memorable as Stooge to fill the void. Still, a necessary addition to anyone who has a special place for Angela and her lovely singing voice. *** Now here is a beautiful rack.