Should the time come that a person wants to graphically murder me, I hope that we some how end up having our final confrontation at a camp. I would be afraid for my continued existence obviously, but I think the pure rush of running cabin to cabin as an axe wielding malcontent gives chase would be enough to make me think I haven’t wasted my life. Murder at a camp, it just seems so wholesome in this day and age of drunk Italians yelling at each other and Anthony Weiner’s junk.

?Sleepaway Camp helped form this calming effect, and so it deserves a look. Not a very long one though, as I’ve seen it roughly 2 billion times (This is not an estimate) and have no desire to go down that road again anytime soon. Quick and lazy? Quick and lazy. Warning: I am spoiling everything.

– Ah unlike other films, this is not one of those flicks that cheats you out of seeing genuine children murdered. No 30 year olds playing 17, just lots of 14 year olds in bathing suits and the sinking suspicion you’re witnessing a film more tentative pedophiles enjoy a lot for all of the wrong reasons.

– Angela and her cousin Ricky are our main protagonists. Angela lives with the Rickster and his Ma because her father was killed by a renegade speedboat. When will people learn to neuter their speedboats?

– We get a lot of very surreal flashbacks to Angela’s life growing up, including one where her Dad and his partner Lenny are going at it like wildcats. Hell, I’m up to chug a few Smirnoff Apples and see where the night takes me now.

– The kids of course pick on Angela and that goes over pretty well because they are almost immediately murdered in gratuitous fashion. The film isn’t graphic, but it actually has some of the nastier kills in slasher history. That scolding hot water destruction of the cook has to be seen to be believed and then vomited too. Vaginas also have in use curling irons shoved up them and while I haven’t had woman parts in several months, that made me shiver in agony none the less.

– Goofy things that make me laugh for no reason, you ask? Welp, one kid is drowned and his corpse is found the next morning on the beach. His mouth is hanging open and a snake crawls out of it. Unsettling? You bet. However, they hang on a shot of the corpse and someone off screen screams in high pitched fashion not unlike a monkey. So it basically gives off a “corpse making chimp noises from beyond the grave” vibe. What do you mean that doesn’t sound funny?!

– Also a cop who appeared earlier in the film has a moustache. Apparently during production, he shaved it off. Unfortunately, he still had scenes to film. Instead of just throwing in a line like “I liked you better with the moustache” they instead decided to stick electrical tape on his top lip and pretend like nothing happened. This is proof that there is a God and that he wants you to be happy.

– Ya know, let me tell you something right this second, the acting is fucking putrid. Outside of one Felissa Rose who plays Angela that is. She does a very good job with uh…less than great script work and manages to pull off that cute and shy thing pretty well. You think this right up until the point where her cock flops out, and even a bit after that.

– Oh right…the twist…I am rarely horrified by my beloved genre of fright flicks, but even on the kajillionth viewing, I am still prone to mumbling in terror “That little girl has a penis.” I usually have a nice long SEXUAL shower then. Even with all the films flaws (and My GOD, are there ever some flaws) this makes Sleepaway Camp an eternal classic. Good gore, some surreal moments and a dangling dick. Thank You the 80’s. Thank you.