The economy is failing, the unemployment rate continues to climb and my pizzais too hot to eat at the moment. God, I can’t stand it. I’m just so hungry, my body famished from a night of drinking Moosehead beer and a vodka so cheap that I never did see any identifying markers on the label that gave a clue to what the product’s name was. So I wait. I wait for the pizza, half burnt by the oven, to cool. It’s all I have left. That and Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers. I guess I’ll review it while my world crumbles around me.
– What a delightfully batshit insane poster that is.
– By the way, Unhappy Campers? Is that the best we could do? When will slashers learn to go the prog rock route and just use random rarely used words to make up statements that sound impressive. Would you rather watch “Unhappy Campers” or “Sleepaway Camp 2: The Molting Schism of The Modern Domecile and it‘s Heated Abomination?“ Exactly, you wouldn’t watch either fucking one.
– Jerry Silva Presents…I’m going to guess Jerry didn’t have his hand in a lot of masterpieces or anything. He should’ve went with a nickname too, Big Cat Silva or Hammer Lobes, something that really screams quality.
– Some large mullet having brick of man meat tells a group of kids a scary tale around a campfire. Kind of looks like Patrick Swayze, stereotypical 80’s wrestler cross hybrid beast. You could totally see that guy lying down for the 1-2-3 to the Mighty Hercules on a Superstars taping.
– Random girl at the campfire stands up and begins telling us the story of Angela from the original film. Of course, the female counselor who also happens to be named Angela shows up just in time to hear this. She informs this Phoebe girl she needs to get back to the girl’s cabin now. Catty looks are exchanged, and I think I got pizza sauce in my eye. Fate. It hates me.
– Sean, our dashing handsome lead, takes this time to inform everyone that whatever it was they found at the camp so many years ago went into a psych ward and had a sex change. Sean looks like the prototype for Josh Hartnett except all hopped up on retard.
– The 2 girls get separated in the woods and Phoebe is so scurrrrred. Don’t worry, it doesn’t last long, because Angela shows up and hits her with tree limb, then cuts out her tongue. Good stuff. Oh yeah, Angela is of course played by Pamela Springsteen, Bruce’s little sister and nothing makes me happier than him having to sit through this thing beside his sister. “Er…yeah, baby girl, I really liked that part where you…cut out…that girls…a know… her tongue.” He’s a good big brother I bet, so he’d lie.
– The next morning, we are introduced to the other ladies who reside in Phoebe’s cabin. We get to meet our 3rd most vital character, Ally’s naked rack, and I noticed Angela looks like a skinned camel. Angela covers up Phoebe’s murder by saying she had to send her home.
– Angela notes that nice girls don’t have to show it off and asks Ally to wear a nightgown to bed from now on. Damn you. Greater monster than even Hitler. Hey, more boobs are flashed. It’s revealed outside of the cabin, 2 scrappy youngsters were filming all of this breast flopping. Feel bad for the kid holding his buddy up on his shoulders, That’s a lot of underage erect cock rubbing his head.
– The campers meet at breakfast and Oh My Heavenly Lord, let the train wreck of blown dialogue and awkward reactions begin. We are introduced to the Shit Sisters so named because they’re always shit faced or some trash I forgot to pay attention to.
– Uncle…Bob? Or John? Mark? I am not rewinding this. He greets the campers and awards Angela counselor of the week. Angela has Molly, our good girl, and Ally up to sing with her. Reality collapses in on itself and I go ahead and just enjoy the tune. Thanks 80’s, you’re terrible.
– T.C. badly hits on Angela. Hm, he’s kind of putting off a Ted Danson meets a tub of sour cream now. His name should be Tuff Hardgrip or Rock Mansmack. Angela isn’t accepting of his flirtation of course, mostly because she used to have a veiny cock and isn’t GAY for God’s sake.
– Sean and Molly make cutesy faces at each other down at the pool. Ally doesn’t like this as all dicks must be put in her butt or else, so she takes off her bikini top and entices another young man to throw her in the pool. Sean is SO not interested and he and Molly go to get something to eat. Not to be an obviously horrible person, but Molly looks more like a chipmunk in a red fright wig and Ally is just sort of hot. Bad booking all around here.
– Angela spies on the Shit sisters getting smashed on tequila in the woods. Scene serves no purpose outside of getting the line “Oh I’m a happy camper, I love to drink and fuck, and if you pay me money, on my titties you can suck.” If she was a black woman with a huge ass and a collection of neon colored wigs, she could ride that flow all the way to a Kanye produced EP.
– We shift to the next day and the Shit Sisters have missed breakfast. Angela locates them in the woods and finds one passed out, while the other dry humps with what appears to be an illegal immigrant. Angela runs off the future Marc Anthony just in time for the other Shit sister to pass out. All these girls do is drink and fuck, yet I am supposed to want them to die? If anything, I want them in our Senate.
– Whichever fucking Shit Sister comes to and sits right up into the charred corpse of her sibling. She’s also bound. Angela says some D.A.R.E. rhetoric and then douses her with gas. You can guess the rest. A startling, blunt metaphor for drug abuse and the road to damnation and hell fires it is sure to lead you to?! Probably not, shit just looked neat.
– Some awful, uninteresting things happen. Nobody cares ever. Look how happy Angela is though!
– Later that night, the boys panty raid the girls to some rockin’80’s beats. This film does not have any friendly agendas as far as female empowerment goes. It’s portrayal of a panty raid is also flawed as no one ended up gang raping a half willing blonde.
– Angela of course storms in and finds the mess. She is none to pleased and throws the boys out. Oh, she also manages to confirm for me it is Uncle John. HA! I knew I’d find out eventually! Rewind, buncha pussies and your fucking rewind.
– The girls decide to go on a jock strap raid in revenge. How many people really bring their jock strap to camp? Or own one? If anyone out there owns a jock strap, press 1. Also, A/S/L?
– Angela walks in on this debacle as well, catching some random girl who I am sure has a name, flashing her tits. Later, in a car at some unspecified location, Angela tries to get the girl to apologize. No go. Drill in the crotch. The usual.
– At breakfast (God, we are always at breakfast), T.C. notes a bunch of random instruments of destruction are missing. 2 of the boys also reveal their plan to scare Angela tonight at the girls’ wooded sleep out. One of them is black and the other has a mullet. Hoho, they got nothing in common outside of how hard Daddy swung the belt.
– Molly follows Angela up to her secret random hellhole in the woods and they discuss boys and venereal diseases. Angela says stuff, Molly says stuff and then they hug. What could ever tear apart this bond, forged by prudishness, solidified by unused vaginas?
– Black guy and Mullet King use arts and crafts time to decorate a hockey mask with fake blood and create a razor fingered glove. Oh…OHHHHHHHH. I get it. The black kid says Angela will “dookie in her pants.” But what if she dookies…in his?
– Fuck off.
– Angela finds the 2 younger kids with the camera from earlier looking at their collection of tit pics. They also have one of her that wearing a 19th century designed bra. She becomes infuriated and you realize quickly that these children will not be seeing their mother ever again.
– Camping out time for the girls. They talk. Oh do they talk. A young black woman claims to love the hair metal anthem that is blasting away on the stereo and the movie completely loses me as far as plausibility goes. What lies. Ally hasn’t taken off her shirt in awhile, so we’re pretty due by the way.
– White Trash Beautiful and his flowing mane, plus Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Jr. Jr, are all dressed up. Mullet man as went as Freddy and Token is Jason. I bet that version of Jason won’t just kill you, he will ruin your credit score.
– Affirmative action Jason leaves Incest Hillbilly alone for a moment so he can piss. This leads to Whitey getting his throat slit by his own Freddy glove. Darn!
– Faux Jason stumbles upon Angela dressed as Leatherface and gets a chainsaw to the gut for his efforts. Throw in a wrestling ring, 2000 pounds of explosives and Terry Funk and you’ve got a money making machine overseas.
– Angela meets up with the rest of the girls and tells them she got to scare the boys before they got to her. Oh wait, let’s get the hell out of that scene.
– Apparently Ally abandoned the rest to go to the bathroom. She and some klutz are having some bruise inducing sex. Her rack shows back up. I went to go get a beer and it’s daylight again, so I guess I forgot to hit pause.
– Ally just keeps on being mean to poor ol’ Molly! Angela finds our good girl heroine sobbing over the cruel words Ally slung like the lightning bolts of Zeus.
– Violently, we are flung into a scene of Ally riding pipe. Scenes like this are what made me the sad, desolate, sticky pervert I grew into. Afterwards. Ally asks the immortal question “Listen, you don’t have AIDS or anything, do you?” The dummy she was banging tells her the truth instead of going with the more emotionally satisfying response of “Oh God yes, I have the type of AIDS that only the Cubans get for that matter.” What a lameoid.
– Ally finds a forged note from Sean asking her to meet him at what happens to be Angela’s boarded up hide out in the woods. And here is Angela to stab Ally in the back a few times. Oh hey, close up on the knife entry. This provided my youth with one of the more awkward moments, as my mother walked in on me watching this scene when I was 10 or so and demanded to know what “trash” I was watching. Mercifully, she had just missed the cock melting bronco busting Ally had just done. I don’t know why I am sharing this.
– Angela finishes Ally off by throwing her head first into a porta potty filled with shit and leaches. Nothing quite like choking to death on someone’s digested enchilada platter. A proud South African death for our friend Ally. All of the actress who played Ally’s other credits are either softcore porn or a listing in the credits of the 3rd Sleepaway Camp film as the film‘s “racoon wrangler.” Man, if ever anyone needed some quality meth, it’s this girl.
– Demi is apparently the name of our young black hair metal loving lady and she bonds a bit with Angela. Unfortunately, she also reveals that she tried calling some of the kids Angela “sent home” and their parents informed them that no such thing had happen. This goes over about as well as Ryan Dunn hitting a curb too fast and Angela chokes her to death with a guitar string.
– Some other girl who was probably in the movie beforehand, but that I completely ignored, interrupts Angela. She gets stabbed to death. No comment on if the director really did say “Guys, I’m running out of money and film, let’s just kill the whole cast and get this damn thing in under 80 minutes. Shitheads who run websites in the future will still hold some sort of nostalgic wonder for it, despite the obvious God Awfulness of it. Now get me a corn dog!”
– The film is definitely stretching as we flashback to things that happened 3 minutes ago. Remember that guitar string kill? Welp, just in case you don’t, here it is again. Except this time washed out in a blue hue and in partial slow motion. That Hollywood magic, man!
– Next morning, Uncle John and big ol’ nasty T.C. can Angela for sending half the god damned camp home. This distresses our imp’ish villain, so Molly enlists Sean to cheer up Angela. Oh God, who gives a shit!?
– They find Angela up by her den of misery and of course, Sean just walks in to find all the corpses. Angela slows him down by blasting him with a tree branch and ties up Molly. Don’t worry though! T.C. is on the fucking way!
– Oh Jesus God of Nazareth, Angela just threw acid from a car battery into T.C.’s face. That follows with Angela and Sean going over her back story together to clear things up for anyone lost in the Machiavellian maze that is this films plot. Angela gets pissed and chops his head off right in front of Molly. Hoho, that brought me some genuine delight actually.
– Panning shot of all the corpses. Unfortunately, everyone is noticeably breathing while playing dead. Not a good sign when half melted skeletons representing the Shit Sisters are acting circles around the principal cast.
– A Flotsam and Jetsam album is pictured by one of the bodies, proving that even in the afterlife, we can still rock.
– Hey, T.C.’s face might be burnt off totally, but he still has his mullet. That’s a Pooke point for you T.C.!
– Angela keeps Molly alive since she is a good girl. Angela has placed Sean’s head inside of the TV and Angela’s “Hey! Look who’s on TV!” line unfortunately made me laugh for about 2 minutes solid. I haven’t left my room in days, I might add.
– Angela leaves for a brief moment to go murder someone else and by the time she returns, Molly has freed herself. Tree branch shot to the dome, slows down the Angel of Death. That tree branch is getting a nice work out. Half a dozen people have been waffled by that thing in the past 70 minutes giving us a tree branch attack ratio of one every 14 minutes. Thank you.
– The chase is on! Probably for the best Angela became a girl so long ago, she’s built like a water moccasin. Whatever that means. More chasing. Bad fight. I get depressed because there is still somehow 10 minutes left in this thing. Whoops, Molly fell off a hill and cracked her skull. Angela leaves her for dead. When will the government do something about these damned hills?!
– Some other lady who I guess is a counselor finds multiple corpses. Our poor kind friend, Uncle John, the picture taking perv twins and the guy who Ally kept fucking are all toast. The last guy died as he lived: With panties shoved in his mouth.
– Some redneck whore picks up Angela in her truck and quickly gets on our sociopath’s nerves so she dies too.
– Molly regains consciousness and makes her way to a local road. She flags down a truck. It’s Angela. Molly screams. And the movie ends. Uh..okay.
Final thoughts: Well that last 30 minutes or so is pretty hard to get through as the movie runs out of steam, plot and anything else worth a shit and that’s not a good sign for a 78 minute flick…but I love what I love. And unfortunately, I love this. There’s also this weird effect where with about 20 minutes left, I suddenly wanted to make love to Pamela Springsteen. And for that alone it gets ******************* out of 5.