I have bad days, like any person on this big blue rock. To be fair, mine aren’t things like “I hope I can feed my children tonight” or “How am I going to tell Grandma I sold most of her medication to my punk rock friend, Jer-Bear, who only has one pair of jeans?”, it’s more like realizing I have to do a long form movie review. Why do I “have” to? That’s NONE of your business, and I’m very taken aback by the fact that you’d even ask. Sadly, today when I looked over at my movie shelf, all I could clearly make out was “Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3” so I…I guess I’ll review that. It’s singing its siren song to me and I will, NAY, I must respond.
Quick note about the DVD menu: It’s scored to Hardcore Holly’s entrance music. Usually, the use of wrestling themes in every day life would make me pretty excited, but it’s Hardcore Holly, so I’m not even sure why I’m mentioning this. I also just came to the realization that anyone who’s not a wrestling fan who has heard me speak of this “Hardcore Holly” person probably thinks I’m referencing a porn actress. I wish I was, frankly.
Oh and another quick note: I am watching the unrated version of the film, so that means there could be upwards of an additional 3 seconds. Let’s go!
-We start with the usual white text on black backdrop that the first set of Chainsaw films utilized so well. This one is no exception as it fills in a few holes between the 2nd film and this one. And hit the credits.
– Welp we’re 10 seconds in and already a woman has had her face smashed in by a hammer and is being turned into a skin mask. I could really go for a nice spa day and a refreshing skin mask right about now. Oh yeah, one of her friends is watching through a window and has apparently escaped the family’s clutches. She will come back into play later.
– Hoho! Semi epic guitars and bells being hit. That leads to us meeting our heroes, Michelle and Ryan. They give us some back story, but I was too busy doing a wikipedia search on Newport Cigarettes for reasons that are lost on me.
– Oh yeah, they’re taking a relative’s car cross country for delivery and that involves a quick drive through desolate, miserable Texas. Over the radio, we hear a report about a body pit being discovered. They found my body pit!? Haha, just kidding guys.
– Checkpoint at night. We get a hanging shot on a reporter looking concerned and of course, that turned out to be the 2nd film’s “Stretch”, a nice bit of wink wink continuation for the 7 people who would not only catch this brief cameo, but also give a good god damned.
– Ryan notes that it looks like they’ve died and gone to hell. Oh I don’t know Ryan, I’d say your hell began long ago when God cursed you by making you look like The Blue Ranger’s older, even dorkier brother.
– Ryan’s face was bothering me and it finally hits me that he’s in one of the Friday films…Hold on…checking IMDB…using ellipses…to…simulate a passage of time…Yep. Sure enough, he was in Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood. And the remake of Night of the Living Dead. The Ghoulies 2. And he directed Demonic Toys 2. And he was the writer of Return of the Living Dead 4 and 5. And The Gingerdead Man series. BWAHAHA THE 3RD GINGERDEAD MAN MOVIE IS CALLED “SATURDAY NIGHT CLEVER”
– So yes, that is probably the most depressing IMDB not owned by Buff Bagwell officially.
– ANYWAYS. Guys in biohazard suits are digging up the body pit and that is a lot of gooey skull. Really nice FX work here, as this all comes off genuinely revolting. Like your mom. Burn.
– Michelle calls Ryan “Mr. Pre-Med” in a bit of dialogue that sounds totally natural and not forced in any way.
– It’s morning and the kids pass a sign for the Last Call gas station. Ryan makes a bad joke, briefly distracting Michelle and she plows into an arma..armadi…armadillo. Armored Dio is what I was going to call it at first. This leads to a scene that always has bothered me, as they actually stop the car and get out to check on the little fella. Do people really do this!? I could plow into the Pope and I’d just keep going under the assumption that he‘s already dead anyway.
– Ryan ends up having to smash in the armadillo’s face because Michelle is a pansy ass liberal. LET ME MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS REGARDING HEALTHCARE, MICHELLE.
– We jump to the Last Call gas station and Viggo friggin Mortensen is getting dropped off. I’m going to guess he pretends none of this ever happened. The owner of the gas station is also here making porno collages. It’s a beautiful hobby.
– Ryan runs to the can, giving creepy gas station guy a chance to startle Michelle and then take her picture. He attempts to sell it to her for profit, but she declines. This forces him to say awkward things while he fills up her car. And so on and so on.
– Thankfully, Viggo has stepped in to break up the probable rape. I ain’t queer or nothing’, but I think I’d make love to cowboy Viggo.
– Tex (Viggo’s character) charms Michelle nearly out of every fiber of clothing. He notes the blood on the front of the car and gives us the “There’s road kill all over Texas” line that the film made famous. Famous for me. And maybe the 3 other people who really enjoy this film. Holla if ya here me 3 other people!
– Michelle excuses herself to the bathroom and stumbles into cut up porn heaven. This gives Alfredo, our creepy gas station attendant who I kept forgetting to mention by name, a chance to peep at her while she’s using the facilities. Tex catches him and whips his somewhat rodent like posterior pretty handily, leading to this exchange.
Tex: Why don’t you just shut up, stupid?
Alfredo: YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, MOTHERFUCKER!
– CINEMA.
– Ryan has the body of an oversized toddler. Alfredo runs inside and fetches his shotgun, so Tex tells them to make a break for it.
Alfredo directs the line “I will FUCK YOU in HELL!!!!” at Michelle and I end up spewing a brown lager everywhere in response. Ladies and Gentleman, I love life sometimes.
– Alfredo blows out their back window and apparently kills Tex. Oh yeah, pre peeping while Michelle was in the can, Tex had suggested an alternate route to Houston to Ryan and now Ryan is quite insistent that they take this way. You see what’s coming, right?
– Back at the gas station, a massive truck covered in sewn together flesh fires up and peels out in hot pursuit. Alfredo
wildly runs around the front of the station screaming “It’s Armageddon, bitchface! It’s Armageddon, you bitch! God dammit!” and suddenly, I miss my Grandpa.
– The sun has went down with record speed, the music is pumping and all radio stations have ceased to work. Ryan and Michelle bitch at each other in particularly annoying fashion and suddenly, the giant skin truck is right on their ass. “It’s right behind us!” screams Ryan in a particularly moving bit of dialogue. The truck driver throws a dead coyote at the car and smashes their windshield in. They also somehow get a flat. Things are going well.
– While changing the tire, Michelle keeps hearing an ominous squeaking sound. I hate when squeaking is ominous. And out of nowhere, big huge nasty wart infested stinky Leatherface explodes onto the scene with saw a blaring. Michelle hops inside the car while Face chases Ryan around, smashing in the back window and carving up the trunk hood in the process. The car of course just will not start giving us more time to notice that Leatherface just won’t go over to the passenger side of the car, open the door and smash Michelle in the face with his cock or whatever it is he does.
– Finally, the car roars to life, leading to Michelle backing over Leatherface. This just pisses him off and he rips the trunk hood off as they speed away.
– But to hell with all that scene because KEN FOREE of Dawn of the Dead fame is here! He’s driving along, being all cool as fuck, being all DOWN with being cool as fuck. You know!
– A buddy of mine went to a local horror convention that featured Ken. He was going to get his VHS copy of Dawn of the Dead signed. When he got to the front of the line, Ken said “30 bucks my man, pay the lady to my right for me to write on your shit.” My buddy went “Uh…ok.” and paid. Ken yelled “That a baby!”, signed it and then said “Who’s next?! I gotta GO!” Always enjoyed that.
– Ryan yells at Michelle to pull over so he can tighten the lug nuts. Ryan taking charge as the “man” of the relationship is really cute, like when a 2 year old tries to eat peppers and the peppers burn his mouth and the 2 year old is sad because peppers are burning his mouth. I love when babies ache.
– Tex randomly appears in the middle of the damn road and that causes Ken Foree and the kids to end up having a massive wreck. Ryan and Michelle are knocked loopy and Ken performs some half ass paramedic work on them while Ryan tries to explain all the murder and horror they’ve avoided. And since it’s a horror film, he just laughs it off and tells them he’s a survivalist.
– Oh wait, they convince him quickly by noting the damage done to their car. Ken’s name is Benny by the by. Benny goes from motherly black guy to all business black guy in the blink of an eye. My God, Ryan is setting a new world record for whiniest most obnoxious balding nerd of the last 30 years. Just unbearable.
– Benny goes to retrieve some supplies from his truck, but finds a flare trail and some deranged looking oily redneck with a robot hand who proceeds to act menacing. I wouldn’t be able to be afraid of this man because the entire time he did his menacingly laid back speech, I’d be thinking “WHERE’D HE GET THAT ROBOT HAND FROM AND I WONDER HOW MUCH HE PAID FOR THAT ROBOT HAND!!”
– Robot Hand Flare Man has the skin truck with him by the way. Benny goes to jump in the back of the truck, but notices all the huge saws and get’s a sinking suspicion. He runs to his jeep to get his fucking MACHINE GUN, but Robot Hand Flare Man With Skin Truck is all “Fuck that shit!” and almost plows into him.
– The resulting fall sends Benny down the biggest hill in all of Texas and he lands right at the feet of Leatherface. Man, there are bad days and then there are bad days.
– So yes, Leatherface vs. Ken Foree!! Ken with some nice front heel kicks before shooting for the legs and taking the top mount. Leatherface really needs to figure out a better defense for the ground and pound, Foree is just riding him around like a small pony at this point.
– Leatherface unfortunately has a small handheld saw in his pocket and jams it into Ken’s leg to get him the hell off. Why didn’t anyone ever try that on one of the Graycie guys? The first 50 UFC shows might have been more thrilling then.
– Oh yeah! Remember that girl from the first 5 seconds of the film that I mentioned? You don’t because you’re skimming this article? Fair enough. Well anyway, she’s here to save Benny’s bacon and cause Leatherface to chase her.
– I know I’ve been switching Foree’s character from “Ken” to “Benny” every other time. I accidently typed “Kenny” once and just sat there staring at it for an hour or so.
– Ryan and Michelle finally decide they should probably get to moving. Michelle prays for sunrise. There is no joke here.
– Random girl circles back around to Benny and relates her devastating story of woe. She’s mostly just delirious and rambling not unlike myself after the 4th hour of trying to finish this review.
– Benny goes out to locate the white kids and finds a shit load of booby traps and a bubbling swamp. Sadly, he left random chick alone and Leatherface almost immediately stumbles upon her and slams his saw through her abdomen. She should’ve screamed “Ouch, my abdomen.” We then cut back to Benny who says “Well, damn!” Indeed!
– My God, this movie has more shots of people walking tensely through the woods than most flicks. Ryan steps in a fucking bear trap and Leatherface springs out to finish the job with his second disemboweling in the last 3 minutes. That’s a hard working man’s pace. Quick cut to Benny looking confused again. Benny is just fucking perplexed, I tell ya.
– Michelle finds a house that probably smells of the rotting corpse and has noticeable piles of bones everywhere. She goes in anyway to find a cute little girl who is crying. This is all a masterful trick or something and ends with Michelle getting stabbed in the leg with a knife and the return of Tex who is noticeably more evil now. God, he’s still stunningly handsome though.
– Back at the swamp, Alfredo rambles to himself and throws trash bag piles of corpses away. Let’s get the hell out of that scene and here’s Viggo Mortensen hammering nails through Michelle’s hand to a chair. Holy God in hell, that was genuinely brutal.
– Old nasty Grandma comes in and she speaks through a voice box, bringing to mind Ned from South Park or a robot that needs maintenance. Just then, Robot Hand Man with the Flares and Skin Truck comes in with what’s left of Ryan’s mangled body. Hold on, me and IMDB have to have us a pow wow.
– Robot Hand Man WiTh The Flares, Skin Truck and Ryan’s Mangled Body’s character name is Tinker. That’s right. Hey a 4.7, that’s better than expected. Good for you, shitty sequel no one saw.
– They hang Ryan up by his ankles on meat hooks and Tex’s delightful chuckle reminds me of how I tried to replicate it all through 4th grade. What a shithead child I was.
– We actually get to hang out with the family a decent amount and watch them interact with one another. Always enjoyed that, they come off like a healthy unit that just happens to cannibalize other innocent people. It’s charming for God’s sake.
– Ryan is “still kickin’” and Tex mocking him is pretty darn rewarding stuff. Not rewarding to keep me from cracking a bottle of gin, but still. Oh yeah, your gin of the evening is…
Tanqueray Rangpur! For when you want your gin to burn slightly less than usual! Tanqueray Rangpur: It was always there for you. Not like your fucking FATHER.
– RANGPUR.
– Back to Alfredo who is still taking out the trash and threatening to quote “shove Tex’s face up his mother fuckin’ butt.” Alfredo proceeds to challenge Tony Montana’s all time record for use of the f-word in one rambling bit of dialogue. Benny watches this from afar with even more confusion.
– Hey back at the party, Leatherface is here and is trying to share his tunes with Michelle. She is not interested. Haha, shitty headphone cassette player. Fuck you, old technology!
– Tex and Tinker bring in a gift for Leatherface and it’s the biggest saw in all the county. It says “The Saw is Family” on it and is one huge penis extension for our favorite inbred cannibal hick.
– Tinker notes that Leather face “let the darkie get away” and so he chunks Leatherface’s headphones into the stove. This pisses off Leatherface who forces him to get it back out barehanded. I am only half paying attention as I try to get as much gin in my body as possible without my right eyeball exploding.
– Hey, let’s go back to Alfredo who notices a trap has been sprung. And then Benny is here to and pointing a gun at him. Alfredo’s “Do I know you?” sadly makes me laugh. He then calls him “O.J.” and me and gin are having a delightful time.
– Alfredo says “Fuck you, mister!” and Benny smacks the dogshit out of him with the gun and knocks him into the water. Well, there ya go.
– Back home, Leatherace uses a child’s toy for his “lessons” and sadly keeps listing the picture of a clown as “food.” Hehehe…AHAHAHAHA. I enjoy all of this.
– Kenny sneaks a peek into Leatherface’s window. Man, maybe should’ve went ahead and shot him in the back of the head there. Or just walk off casually, whatever.
– The family goes ahead and violently finishes off Ryan right in front of Michelle, with the little girl going ahead and doing the final coup de grace. They note his underpants are “colored” and guess he is from California. I like all of the cannibals more than the normals.
– How did I forget to mention that Grandpa is back? Oh right, the gin. Well he’s back except now except instead of being exceptionally old, he’s just a rotting corpse. It’s sweet of them to still include the old bastard.
– Leatherface draws a target on Michelle’s face and revs up the saw, ready to finish this. Benny has finally made his way around to the kitchen window however, screams “MOTHERFUCKER” and begins wildly firing into the scene. He should’ve aimed, he really should’ve aimed. Grandmama takes 3 to the chest, Grandpa’s corpse gets it’s face blown off and Tinker loses some fingers and an ear. Well way to go, you killed a dead man and a might as well be dead woman. God dammit, Ken.
– Tink screams “GET THE BITCH” and I guffaw. Michelle mans up and rips her hand off the nails and I guffaw again, but in that looking at the floor with horror way.
– Leatherface has hopped in the skin truck and the little girl’s hitting the searchlight. Benny goes to shoot him in the face, but is out of bullets. He plays dead well though, so Leatherface just goes after Michelle. Back at the house Tinker says he’ll have his breakfast in hell. Me too.
– Tex vs. Benny time. This requires a suspension of sanity as 90 pound Viggo takes on big huge beefy pissed off Ken Foree and for the most part, kicks his ass. Pretty sweet thrash metal song playing as the battle by the way. Hm. Says Death Angel is on the soundtrack. I’m going to guess it’s Death Angel. I base this on nothing. Oh yeah, gas falls on Tex and he blows up.
– Well Jesus of Nazareth, Michelle gets sort of caught again, this time in a trap with Leatherface fast approaching. Some other stuff happens. She ends up in the water of that wacky body pit. Leatherface shows up to finish the job, but is interrupted by Benny and his variant on the spear. Ken Foree will just not stop screaming in rage by the by.
– We got us a lagoon battle! Somehow, Face’s chainsaw rises from the depths of the thing and dances along the surface and this is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve seen in film, including claymation.
– Leatherface ends up ramming Benny’s head into the saw and goes after Michelle. She counters by smashing him in the face a couple of dozen times with a big rock. Leatherface takes out the massive soul brother with relative ease and then gets his head crushed against a rock by some 70 pound girl with frizzy hair. Only in Hollywood. Or in this case, someone’s backyard, where this was undoubtedly filmed.
– The next morning, Michelle is walking her way out of backwoods hell when the gas station truck suddenly pulls up. But it’s alright! It’s only Benny, you silly shit! He recovered from massive, paralyzing head injuries relatively well, I must say.
– Oh wait, Alfredo isn’t dead yet and smashes Benny in the back with a sledgehammer. I’m going to be honest, I never really liked Peter Gabriel or his videos. What? I dunno.
– Michelle gets a hold of a gun and blows Alfredo back to Italy or whatever his character origin story is. Benny is STILL alive and gets helped into the truck by Michelle. We get one more “road kill all over Texas” line and they peel out.
– Suddenly, Leatherface steps into frame and hit’s the chainsaw. And credits.
Final Thoughts: Well I am terribly biased in regards to this piece of trash. I’ve been watching it for 20 years, what do you want from me? ***½, it’s not particularly GOOD, but it is trash, mean spirited and offers up some very good performances by Foree and the guy from Lord of the Rings. So yeah, go stream it and be under whelmed.
Now here is Leatherface in a Daffey Duck cartoon.
