For no reason, let’s start with a match that no soul could ever truly care about, Ezekiel Jackson vs. Ted Dibiase Jr.

We’re on Smackdown and they have a new announcer named “Eden Stiles.” Gonna take a guess that that’s a stage name. At least I hope it is. Also, she seems to be a combination of every race.

Ezekiel Jackson, YOUR Intercontinintinitinental champion at this point and time, is out and he’s a big black son of a bitch. Someone please change Ted Jr.’s music. Sweet Lord.

Big Zeke is stronger than Ted if you didn’t know. Big hiptoss and knee lift get a 2 count. Not a good sign when the referee, Little Guido, is by far the most talented guy in the ring. Booker T. and Michael Cole are your announce team by the way. I am tempted to plunge a pair of scissors into my ear as a result. Hoho, what an overreaction.

By the way, Little Guido being a referee makes him the most successful ECW original, I’d dare say.

Ted sucks and sucks and sucks some more. Oh hey, Million Dollar Dream turned into a nice Russian legsweep. It gets 2.

Michael Cole keeps mentioning how great of a mentor Cody Rhodes has been for former tag team partner. Ted and Zeke then proceed to struggle through an awful reversal sequence centered around the body slam, a sleeper and the torture rack. That is only acceptable if we’re riding THE LEX EXPRESS.

Zeke gets the torture rack for the submission. And so we get the sound of 10,000 people going “Huh.”
Booker T. And Michael Cole are just awful on commentary, although Booker calling everything “The Cobra Clutch” is pretty unintentionally great.

Hey let’s go watch a Scott Norton match now. His victim is some more soul named Ray Hudson. Random guy and THE AMERICAN DREAM are your commentary team. “Lemme tell ya sometin’ bebe!” is Dusty’s first sentence. Awww. Oh, Larry Zbysko is with them too. Ray Hudson has one of the worst mullets in wrestling history, not only challenging but soundly defeating Lance Storm’s terrible rat tail thing he had going there for awhile.

Scott is basically a 6’3 fire hydrant that can walk and think for itself, although it’s only thought seems to be awful awful pain. Nice corner body splash into a running clothesline by Norton. He really could still get moving at this point and time and the results are pretty impressive. The main commentator makes note of Norton’s athleticism and Dusty transitions brilliantly into “sumo monstah truck showdown!” relating to the Hogan/Giant garbage. Jesus.

Hudson eats a series of chops and then a nasty Samoan drop. I think Ray Hudson is learning the secret as to why Norton’s offense always looked so good: He’s hitting him as hard as he fucking can. I mean, My Sweet God. Oh no, fucking power bomb on top of all that. Main commentator fellow notes that this guy’s name WAS Ray Hudson and he WAS a wrestler. Fun with commentators!

Dusty: No relation to Rock Hudson!

Larry: Who was NOT a wrestler.

Dusty: Exactly!

Norton mercifully finishes this massacre with a power slam. Now that’s how you squash a jobber.

Welp, fuck it, let’s jump to a Mantaur squash. Your commentators are Vincent K. McMahon and Jerry Lawler. Jim Cornette probably felt slightly silly walking this poor goof down the aisle. Bill Weaver is your jobber. BWAHAHA THEY SHOW SOME UGLY MEXICAN LADY IN THE CROWD AND JERRY LAWLER SAID “HALF WOMAN, HALF BEAST”

I enjoyed it.

Mantaur kind of looks like a shorter, fatter more bald Brodus Clay. So yeah. Corner crush and a quick hiptoss, but Bill fucking Weaver hulksup and clotheslines him a few times, throws in a dropkick, MISSILE dropkicks him and then walks into an ugly belly to belly suplex. Christ, push Weaver. His finish could be called the Dream Weaver. Eh? Eh? Sorry. Fun with Commentators.

Jerry Lawler: You know McMahon, his feet are size 18 triple E.

Vince: Bill Weaver’s?!

Big clothesline and body slam by Mantaur. Big splash would’ve gotten the win, but he pulls up Weaver. Oof, Mantaur is sort of terrible. Shocking revelation, I know. Mantaur however, misses the second splash, leading to Weaver hulking up again. Bill Weaver has got something to prove! Oh wait, he just jumped into Mantaur’s version of the World’s Strongest Slam. That gets 3. Bill Weaver looked really good and probably never did anything else in the business worth noting. Not that this was worth noting. Go away, the article is over.