Initially, I was going to review all of the Friday the 13th movies for – get this – Friday the 13th. This idea has never ever even been conceived of before and so I truly felt like a pioneer who was breaking new ground. Then I gave up. So here is a really quick rundown of Camp Crystal Lake’s favorite hulking mongloid baby man and his exploits.

The Good Films:

Friday The 13th (1980): A pretty good giallo style murder mystery that is accented by a little gratuitous nudity, a wacky decapitated head and an ending that made me consider shitting all over my Batman Returns’ backpack the first time I saw it. Also, wasn’t it clever when Scream asked who the killer was in the first Friday? Hahaha, you stupid bitch, it was his mother. I hate Scream. Drew Barrymore was better in her minor role of Sugar in Batman Forever too. And the real question is, can I reference the rest of the Batman film franchise before this article is over? MAYBE.

– Friday The 13th Part 2: I don’t mind telling you that Bagface Jason scared the living hell out of me and still pretty much does. Not as iconic as the hockey mask of course, but much more unnerving for whatever reason. Also, Jason hits a wheelchair bound man in the face with a machete causing him to fly wildly down the stairs in said wheelchair. Who needs coherent plot, good acting or even any real point when you have crippled people being thrown off structures? Oh yeah, Jason without his bag exploding through that window was another “What should I shit on out of fear?” moment for me. I have VERY unreliable bowels.

– Friday The 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter: Man Oh man, look at me go to town with those colons! Ugh, shut up. This film introduced us to little Tommy Jarvis as played by the legendary Corey…let’s say “Feldman”. Yeah, it’s Feldman, sorry about that. This film actually may be the best embodiment of the stereotypical Friday film. Skinny dipping, hockey masks, minor celebrities, it’s all here folks. It’s all you can ask for from a Friday film and it throws in nude twins just for the hell of it. Thanks movies!

– Friday The 13th Part 6 JASON LIVES:  Jason basically kills god damned everyone in this sucker and with wacky comedic skill to boot. Oh, this also introduced ZOMBIE JASON for better or worse. Paintball player murder is a good moment too. We get our last adventure with Tommy Jarvis, but who cares about that because Jason kills inside a Winnebago in ridiculous fashion and then stands on top of that big bastard like he was king of the world. I am so filled with nostalgia right now that I may…well not do anything, but it’s nice I suppose.

Freddy Vs Jason: Are there flaws with this? Yep. The CGI looks terrible, Jason is fucking dumber than usual and god damned Kelly Rowland is in it. BUT! It gives us more than a few “Greatest hits” kills by Jason, England is noticeably on fire as Freddy and Rowland’s death is one of the top 10 most satisfying moments in my life. Just sit back and have fun with it. All of the movies are technically terrible anyways, at least this one was terrible in a glorious beautiful way.

Friday The 13th (2009): Speaking of greatest hits! I went into this expecting a real shitbag of god awful ideas and instead I got the first 3 and a half movies condensed into 40 minutes or so and then pure Camp Crystal Lake brutality. Gorgeous naked women skiing, mutilated Asians and that damned campfire kill. Oof. Good good stuff. They can remake everything they like because occasionally you get to have a blast with them. It’s all worth it then.

THE PAINFULLY MEDIOCRE:

Friday The 13th PT 3: So yeah, 3D. Christ. Needless to say, none of the gags really hold up (Well except for the life alteringly great exploding eyeball kill) , the kids are extra annoying and I tend to start ignoring this entry about 40 minutes in. It does however give us Hockey Mask Jason and for that, we will always be grateful. Helluva shot with that spear gun too.

Jason Goes To Hell: I always thought this one got the short end of the stick. The Jason make up is excellent (Stop bitching that you never get to see it, I know, I know) and the kills are particularly nasty, culminating in my personal favorite kill of the entire series: The mid orgasm impalement and torso rip apart. It’s absolutely one of the most mean spirited, filthy things in any slasher film and it needs to be commended. And let us not forget at the beginning where the black doctor eats Jason’s heart. No idea why, but that is as close to open mouthed gagging all over myself I have ever come in a movie. Fucking revolts me and I haven’t the faintest why. Oh yeah, there is an interesting little thing at the ending too. You know. You do. Go on. Youtube it. You know you want to see it again.

Friday The 13th Pt 7 The New Blood: This little guy almost dares reach for the brass ring (what?),  but female psychic vs. Jason wasn’t high on my list of things I needed to see. Some great action set pieces, a wonderful Jason make up job and some good kills make it watchable, but fucking Christ, that ending is bad. Also a lot of dead spots, but worth it because it causes you to ask “Did Jason just kill somebody with a party horn?”

…What’s that? Oh yeah…Oh My Christ yeah…

Just let it wash over you like so much ambrosia. Remember your child hood, let it wrap around you, let it warm you. Remember how your Grandmother’s hand felt, soft like paper. Remember days of running and jumping free, remember not know what a “bill” was. Remember your first taste of good whiskey, but try to not just swallow it . Savor it. Taste the barley. Let it roll over your tongue, down your throat and walk into the arms of the first girl you ever loved. Let all of this happen. It’s still not as good as Jason Voorhees in Friday The 13th Pt 7 slamming some poor soul who is in their sleeping bag into a tree. Nothing is that good. Moments don’t need words. They just happen and you let them happen with your jaw hanging slack. And that my friends…that is a moment. I don’t know what it says about me, but in my final 30 seconds of life, as oxygen enters me and leaves as breath for those final moments, I will think of everyone I loved and then I will think of some giant zombie mutant bastard slamming an innocent person into a tree while they are in a sleeping bag. And I will die. Happy.

Shitty Movies That I Still Begrudgingly Enjoy, But Man Are They Terrible:

Friday The 13th Pt 5 A New Beginning: Okay, so this probably gets more hate than it deserves too, but come on! It’s just not Jason. The only bright spot is Debi Sue Voorhees (the actresses actual last name) and her lovely breasts and the guy from Juwanna Mann eating shit and dying. That’s it. Go to hell.

Friday The 13th Pt 8 Jason Takes Manhattan: What a gigantic disappointment this thing is. Don’t get me wrong, you get some truly amazing visuals, but they wait until the last 20 minutes of the film to get to them. This thing mostly features Jason walking around a boat casually and scaring Kelly Hu. Gotta give it points for that nasty looking sauna murder and of course, the greatest first round KO of all time.

Jason X: Well it does have a few nice kills and a couple of very attractive young ladies half nude, but there is certainly a level of “Holy Shit, I really hope no one walks in and starts watching this garbage with me.” and that bums me out. Just really bad and hokey to boot. But hey, Jason using a Sub Zero like fatality is pretty neat. And…er that’s it.

So there you have it! Finally, the internet has an opinion piece over Friday the 13th. I think I already made a joke very similar to this. Oh well, look at this.