You know, I just don’t like Freddy flicks. Despite his strange power over women who grew up watching him, I was more of a Jason fan. The grunting, the hideous disfigurement, the need to wear baggy work pants at all time, me and Mrs. Voorhes baby boy just had more in common. Also, the Nightmare sequels featured Freddy turning into a poor man’s Dana Carvey and that was more horror than a thousand dull Saw sequels could ever provide.
I also throw Wes Craven under the bus rather regularly, mostly because I think he’s the most overrated horror director of all time. The Hills Have Eyes and Last House on the Left had great stories, horrible execution and then remakes that actually improve greatly upon the source. While I was being a douche and whining about the amount of remakes pouring out of Hollywood, these 2 I had high hopes for almost immediately solely based on the fact that Wes had crapped the bed during the originals. My expectations were met pretty nicely.
I am a fair man though and people love the first Nightmare. So let’s review. You shut your mouth and I’ll fucking review.
– We open with a few shots of a hand constructing some sort of instrument of death. A glove fitted with some knives. I don’t have to explain this at all, do I? bah. The score is great, synthy as all get out.
– Hey a cute blonde who we will later find out is named Tina. She’s deep in the bowels of a boiler room. None of this would be an issue at all if she hadn’t accepted the specialty match of Mankind. YOU DONE IT NOW TINA!
– Creepy lamb shot~! I’ve never read an explanation for why this is present and I refuse to do 2 minutes of research to find out the answer. I just know that if I ever wake to a lamb at the foot of my bed, I’ll just impale myself and save Krueger a few minutes.
– Someone is pursuing poor Tina. She’s sweaty and I have a feeling that director Wes Craven said “Get a nightgown that we can see through already!” further exploiting this girl’s young nubile flesh. I support everything about this mind you.
– The knives scraping against the pipe work is good stuff. Gave the film a trademark sound. Also, it’s irritating as fucking hell.
– Jump scare! All you really see is the accessories on Freddy, none of the details. It really is a nice fedora, let’s stop shitting ourselves.
– Really nice washed out shot of some girls in all white jumping rope. They’re singing a song you already know the details about. 1, 2 Freddy’s sequels are coming to disappoint you. HOHO! Take that film franchise that is worth more than the combined value of mine and my family’s lives!
– The shot really is well executed in all seriousness. What the FUCK is Johnny Depp doing here!? 21…JUMP STREET. Go download the theme, it goes just like this. All the kids are going to school. Tina is freaked out and her friend Nancy doesn’t give a fucking shit.
– Later that night, Tina’s mom is out of town so Nancy and Captain Jack stay the night to keep her company. Nancy reveals details to Tina about HER previous nights dreams that make Tina think they had the same dream. Edward Scissorhands does a bad comedy gag with a tape of recorded neighborhood sounds and his Mom. Speaking of bad comedy routines, do you like how I refer to Depp as other characters he has played through out the years? Wouldn’t it be crazy if he was Captain Jack in this movie? Man oh man, I know the thought gets my blood pumping. I’m also a complete asshole. We need to find out Depp’s character’s name before I have to reference Secret Window.
– Johnny Depp is playing a guy named GLENN? Well okay. Glenn goes out to investigate some SPOOOOOOKY sounds coming from outside and Tina’s dickhead boyfriend pops out to tackle him. Hey he looks and acts like Sal from Night of the Demons! Man, if Tony Danza had been born a decade later, he would’ve been raking in the cash. Oh yeah, this guido is named Rod. No word on if he calls himself “The bod” in private. You know he does though.
– Glenn hears Tina getting a penis assisted hysterectomy from Rod. Give it to her good pizza king!
– Everyone is asleep. Tina is awoken by some unsettling noises from the outside of the house. Someone hisses “Tinnnnnnaaaa” and Freddy does his iconic face and hands through the wall business above a sleeping Nancy. Still can’t stress how great that effect looks. All the Godless CGI in the world couldn’t reproduce it, making me wonder why they even tried in the remake.
– Tina has gigantic sacks of testosterone so she goes out into the alley to investigate. She’s awake, right? Right. Sure. You think that. You idiot.
– Freddy time! We get the WACKY LONG ARMS OF FATE and more knives on metal sound effects. Freddy does a zany chase of Tina and keeps popping up at random. To be fair, it startles me twice. He chops off 2 of his fingers just for kicks.
– FACE RIP GAG! Gotta love Tina yanking his supreme pizza face off.
– Back in the real world, Rod is awaken by Tina in a complete panic. She’s still in bed and having one massively violent outburst. Chest slashing commences and then the grand finale, as Tina’a wildly bleeding body is dragged across the wall, up to the ceiling and then dropped into the pool of gore on the bed. Oof, yes movie. Touch me there. The entire time this is happening, Rod is going “Tina! TINA! TINA!!!!!” I don’t know if I would’ve had the proper response to this situation, but I would’ve at least panicked and accidentally pissed on the credenza.
– Nancy and Glenn hear the screams of torment coming from up stairs so they break in. Rod is nowhere to be found. I…am not sure of Rod’s game plan here, but I am nodding in confusion a lot.
– We’re at the police station now and JOHN SAXON IS HERE. Look at that man! If I even partially resembled Mr. Saxon, I would casually rape and beat anything I found suitable of beatings and rapings. You feel me? Saxon is the Lt. at the police department and also Nancy’s Dad. He’s pretty peeved off by the night’s events.
– The next morning, Nancy’s mom is up making breakfast. That breakfast? A large bottle of vodka. Hm, might be clear rum actually. In any case, she’s the type of woman you spend one helluva passionate evening with and then get the fuck away from. She tries to convince Nancy to stay home from school, but Nancy is having none of that.
– On her walk to school, we get a few shots lifted from the original Halloween. Then suddenly Rod pops out and drags Nancy into the woods. He is in desperate need of help you see. Oh shit, Nancy’s Dad used her to set up the sting and cop cars come flooding in to make the arrest. Nancy is all “Dad! How could you?!” and her Dad is all “I AM JOHN SAXON” and that ends that argument.
– In class, lots of Hamlet references about lying parents and deception and what not. Nancy is dozing, having not gotten a lot of sleep the night before. And of course, she looks to her right and sees Tina’s destroyed corpse in a body bag. Is this a bizarre premonition of the events of Columbine in the years to come?! Not at all.
– Tina’s decaying body is less than enthused by her current state. Nancy decides to wander into the hall to follow the blood trail she’s left behind. Great shot of the corpse being drug off by an invisible force.
– Nancy turns the corner a little too sharply and runs into the hall monitor. The synth is practically thrown down an empty elevator shaft full of cinder blocks to get the proper jarring loud response that is needed to signify terror. Said monitor is of course wearing Freddy’s attire and the girl playing this role proceeds to do an achingly embarrassing Freddy impression.
– No one can really do a proper Freddy impression without sounding like the Cookie Monster with a bunch of dicks in his mouth.
– Dream state Nancy ventures further into the bowels of the school in search of decimated Tina. She finds the boiler room and of course, Freddy finds her.
– On the commentary track featuring Craven and Heather Langenkamp, Heather pointed out a huge cyst on the side of her head and now I can’t stop looking at it. It’s massive. Freddy is a distant second in the “Most horrifically disfiguring injury” category as a result of this thing. Yikes.
– Freddy slashes his chest causing maggots and the slime from Nickolodeon to spew out. The murder of Stick Stickly is mercifully off screen.
– Freddy is about 80% more menacing than the follow ups would have him. Here he’s all sadistic giggles, vaguely sexual references and glove scratching on metal pipes. He hasn’t even made a bad pop culture reference yet. “Charles in Charge? More like FREDDY AHAHAHAHAHAHA”
– Ugh.
– Nancy slams her arm into a scolding pipe and that brings her back to a conscious state. She screams bloody murder in class and evacuates quickly. The black soul brotha in front of her’s reaction is tremendous. He resembles Jive Soul Basketball Playin’ Urkel and I for one would like to see more of this character.
– Nancy discovers that she is actually burned on her arm in continuation from her dream. Hmmmm.
– She decides to go visit Rod who’s head is still somehow greasier than any French fry could ever hope to be. Rod explains his messy bedroom situation and Nancy goes ahead and buys it. The fellow playing Rod actually does a nice job with the scene. I think we have our new De Niro! I’m sure he went on to a successful career.
– An IMDB search reveals his next credit is in a film called “GOTCHA!” His name is JSU Garcia and based on this alone, I say he has a future in MMA. Uh, let’s just move on.
– Bath tub scene. Nancy gives us the full version of the 1-2 song and passes out. Glove from below around the crotch! Before Freddy can strike initially, Nancy’s Mom wakes her by knocking at the door and warning her of the perils of drowning in the bath tub. Christ, is her Mom drinking a rum and milk in this scene?!
– Nancy falls asleep again and Freddy drags her under the water and there’s a prominent set piece the remake was missing. For shame, remake. Nancy escapes and finds some fast acting caffeine pills in the cabinet.
– Trying to stay awake, Nancy takes in a showing of what looks like the original Evil Dead. There is no excuse for not using the tree rape scene here.
– Glen (Let’s spell it with one N the rest of the way for kicks) startles her by sneaking in Nancy’s window. Glen is wearing sweat pants, revealing that Johnny Depp has a really scrawny ass. He does.
– Nancy has a plan! Glen’s job is to stay awake and alert her should she start spazzing out during her sleep, she’s gone a dream investigatin’!
– For some reason, Nancy’s pajamas resemble a Mexican eatery’s dress uniform. I keep waiting for her to offer Freddy a side of queso to go with his tortillas.
– Nancy dream sneaks over to the jail and sees Freddy preparing to butcher Rod like the guido pig he is. Jesus, that was a trick and here’s another majorly unsettling surreal image of Tina in a body bag. She spits up a centipede and appears to be standing in a foot of eels or possibly haggis.
– Freddy is all “Booo!” and chases her back to her house. Melted marshmellow steps slow her up however! Man, I want to eat those steps every time I see them. Just dump it on me. Freddy wears Tina’s face briefly just for giggles.
– Freddy vs. Nancy in the bedroom battle to end all bedroom battles. Fucking alarm clock saves Nancy before Krueger can finish her with the Bossman slam. Nancy bitches out Glen because he fell asleep and almost got her slaughtered. That’s a fair point of contention to be honest.
– Nancy and Glen immediately run to the police station to make sure Rod is okay. John Saxon apparently works 24 hours a day and is still pretty irritated. His head is 90% hair spray.
– Back in Rod’s cell, a sheet is casually slipping around his neck as he sleeps. One shot reveals him to resemble a young Michael Jackson from some angles, causing me to take a 30 minute break.
– Rod is deader than the sequel potential for Meteor Man and that’s that.
– It’s early morning and we are at the cemetery for Rod’s funeral. JESUS LOOK AT THE CYST ON HEATHER LANGENKAMP’S HEAD. God. Gross.
– I’m not one to usually point out these sort of things, but I’m watching the Blu-Ray version and the film has never looked better. Wonderful transfer, the cemetery scene is just glowing.
– Nancy explains to Papa what she saw and the description makes every parent in the areas eyebrows raise with fear and curiosity. What secrets does this small town hide from it’s beautiful trusting children? WHAT HAS SOCIETY DONE TO THE FRATERNAL BOND?!
– Nancy’s Mom takes her to some sort of center that specializes in dream monitoring. Sure, let’s run with that. The doctor looks like a smaller Dave Meltzer. Does he have the scoop on Louis Spiccoli turning on Van Hammer? Better subscribe! Assholes.
– Deep sleep now for Nancy and you can tell it’s the 80’s because Nancy’s Mom is chain smoking in a hospital. Mmmm, sweet lady nicotine eases the pain. Did anyone else start smoking just to take advantage of the ridiculous amount of breaks you get at work if one smokes? God knows I did.
– Nancy starts dry humping the air so everyone rushes in to resuscitate her. Nancy’s hair has been streaked grey in one spot, she has 3 deep scratches on her arm and she has Freddy’s hat from her dream world. Her Mom makes sudden and ferocious use of a bedpan at these revelations.
– We haul ass back home because the hospital doesn’t supply us with vodka. Good Lord, the woman is drinking and in her pajamas at 3 P.M. it seems. Nancy confronts Mom about this Fred Krueger person. What an unfair attack, the woman is ¾’s into a bottle of feel better juice and this bitch of a daughter is attacking her parenting skills. Nancy’s mom RIGHTFULLY bitch slaps the piss out of her. Slow down the pickling of my inner organs will ya!
-Mom explains that Krueger is dead and can’t get her. Nancy breaks the bottle of hooch and then storms out. Lucky for her, Mom was about to rip her vertically in half over that bullshit move.
– Glen explains some voodoo hocus pocus new age crap that I’m sure will come into play later. If you turn your back on evil in your dreams, it ceases to exist. I stroke my well trimmed goatee at the thought of this.
– Nancy gets back home to find her house completely barred up. Mama is chain smoking again and has ANOTHER bottle of the good stuff. This woman takes no prisoners in her awful self destruction and I cannot respect her enough for that.
– Freddy back story time. Liquored up Mom gives the details that all of you should be familiar with by now. Cop fucked up the search warrant, Freddy went free, vigilante justice, crispy Krueger etc. He can’t hurt you because Mommy killed him. She even saved his glove for some reason.
– Oh man, jump to Glen’s window and revel in his use of the 80’s cut off belly shirt on a man. Nancy and GlenNnnn agree to go through with an idea where Nancy drags Freddy out of dream land and he knocks him out. The 90 pounds Mr. Depp was working with here was not going to knock shit out. Hey he has a cute stuffed vulture on his bed. Nyawwwww.
– Glen’s ma tells him to get his ass to bed, but in a sweet loving way which he responds to with good natured humor. My mother never loved me as much as Glen’s loves him.
– Nancy and her shitfaced slut of a mother have an awkward moment and Mom puts her to bed. But remember! The plan! They gotta do the freakin plan! Nancy has a pot of coffee hidden in her room and sucks that down, then puts on her warrior nightgown or something.
– Nancy gets up to leave her room, but before she can exit, she spots her Mom digging through the linen and pulling out yet another bottle of fire water. This woman is a miraculous thing and I officially nominate her for the POOKE HALL OF FAME. What say you, Chiky D?
– Nancy tries to get ahold of Glen, but he’s fallen asleep and his parents are being dicks about it for whatever reason. Suddenly! Nancy’s unplugged phone rings and the synths get sinister. I bet it’s Eegon Spangler.
– Freddy is of course on the other end and we get the infamous French kiss through the phone. I’ll be honest, if I had a phone that randomly jutted a tongue out, that thing would be so far up my ass you would never find it.
– Nancy goes to try to help Glen, but her Mom even in her destroyed state has outsmarted her by locking the place up and throwing away the key. Hoho, the liquor is mightier than any type of sobriety. Touche!
– Glen gets sucked into his bed by Freddy. Well at least he got off easy in comparison to Tina.
– Whoops! Spoke too soon. The bed erupts like a shaken up Miller High Life and sprays Glen’s blood and innards all across the god damned ceiling. His mother walks in on this and let’s just say it’s the most devastating thing a human being has ever accidentally stepped in on. Now that scene is what a loving God gives to his children.
– Nancy calls her Dad as he arrives at Glen’s to investigate the scene. This bizarre manner of death can only be solved by Hugh Laurie I’m going to guess. John Saxon blows off his daughter’s pleas for help because she thinks she’s a loon. Oh and also, he’s in the middle of sorting through a human being that got turned into a sloppy joe.
– More drunken mother! She’s practically catatonic she has so much vodka running through her veins. Nancy and her share some love filled words and the daughter tucks in her tanked mother. Ah, just like on that weird episode of Family Matters.
– Nancy says her prayers before bed. She’s on Day 7 of no sleep. Freddy, if you need easy victims, come get me. I can’t go a 6 hour shift without drifting off for upwards of 45 minutes and I would do nothing to fight this even if it meant my life was up for grabs.
– Nancy is asleep and ready to throw down . She’s a huntin’ pedophile. We enter the boiler room and Freddy’s laugh echoes through out. Why didn’t Freddy ever get a side kick? Freddy seems like he’d enjoy a straight man sidekick, possibly played by Frasier’s David Hyde Pierce.
– Nancy openly challenges Fred, but no dice. He’s playing a nefarious game of hide and go rape. Freddy also seems like he’d enjoy giving toddlers the Dutch Oven.
– I started 3 straight paragraphs with the word “Nancy”. How lazy. Whoa, Freddy just popped out and startled the Nancinator. And her alarm goes off, driving her back to the real world.
– She thinks she’s just gone crazy but then suddenly Freddy pops out and he is loose in our world. Nancy uses Home Alone like ingenuity to slow up Freddy. None of the worthless cops will come over and help the screaming child. Nancy has constructed a bomb a BOMB that briefly slows up Fred and then she uses some random kerosene to light him on fire.
– Finally, John Saxon decides to take care of this shit after roughly an hour of his own flesh and blood screaming for help.
– On fire Freddy has made his way up stairs and is dry humping the alkie. John Saxon puts out the flames, but some ridiculous vortex into the 73rd dimension opens up and swallows Ma’s roasting skeleton with no Freddy in sight. For some reason, Nancy is left alone in the room while the pigs investigate and of course, Freddy re-emerges ready to pump some demon seed into Nancy.
– They talk for awhile. Nancy takes back all the energy she gave Freddy. I guess this would work? Well Freddy disappears into a shitty digital effect, so shows what I know.
– Nancy opens the door into the early morning and everything is a-okay. Her mom is even here! And she’s going to stop drinking! And there’s the gang! Tina! And Rod! And Glen! And they’re all in a car with a Freddy paint job and it locks them all in! And drives off! Creepy girls jump roping! WHOA.
– Nancy’s Mom gets ripped through the small window on the door and we go to credits. Alright!.
Final Thoughts: Hey, this is a really good horror film and can give Freddy some overdue credit for having at least one good flick in his series. Great effects work, a genuinely unpleasant Freddy and a nice supporting cast make this a must view. ****½ Oh My God, the song playing over the credits automatically knocks this back down to **** albeit completely unfairly.
