Third time is a charm when it comes to Animated Asshole Reviews. This will be the third time I try to review an animated film, hopefully it’ll actually be done by the end of the year. However, knowing my excellent track record, it won’t. The latest cartoon movie produced by DC Comics is an anthology of stories featuring a few of the more popular Green Lanterns. Considering the movie starring Ryan Reynolds is coming out very soon, many of you (many of you as if people other than Glamaoroamaoasiaurus is reading this) know a vague amount about the Green Lanterns. For the stragglers, let me go on a brief summary.
The Green Lantern Corps is an intergalatic police force, essentially. They go around and deal with crime in the Lantern’s assigned district. The officers have quite possibly the strongest artifact in the universe at their disposal for crime fighting. They are chosen by rings who scan sectors of space for candidates that are able to overcome fear and have an immeasurable amount of willpower. Typically, Green Lanterns are pretty badass in their own right. This film will feature the stories of five different lanterns as told by Hal Jordan to the rookie, Arisia. The overall plot is some guy doing something and the Lanterns must stop him. Or something. Anywho, this is Green Lantern: Emerald Knights.
Movie opens up with some Lantern flying around in space, possibly doing a routine checkup or maybe meeting a friend. Hmm, I should probably pay attention to such details. Her flight is interrupted by an image of Kilowog displayed on her ring as he reems her for being late or something. HENRY FUCKING ROLLINS voices Kilowog and says, “poozer”. Made my night. Ho hum. Ho hum.
HOLY FUCK WHAT THE FUCK… a bunch of shadowy thingies attack the Lantern, whose name I could not possibly spell. Eh, I’ll look it up. Ardakian Trawl, quite a name. Anyway, the shadow thingies attack her, she fights them off a bit BEFORE FUCKING BEING ERASED COMPLETELY. Think of the shadow thingies as erasers. They literally erased her from existence and it freaked me the fuck out. Jesus Christ. This. This is how you start a god damn movie. Henry Rollins hilariously shouts “ARDAKIAN!” He didn’t sound to convincing as she gets erased and her ring flies off her dead hand.
Now, when I started freaking out about the erasal scene, let me state that the doo-hickies grasped onto her legs and hands, separating whatever they touched. It was as if she was being cut up into little pieces before the limbs disappeared entirely. I sure as fuck wasn’t expecting that. Welp. Life of a Green Lantern, I suppose. She goes out on a patrol and gets murdered to the point where nobody can recover a body to bury.
The rings they wear provide a bunch of different functions, including monitoring if one is dead or not. When a Lantern dies, the ring will automatically leave and be sent off to find a sentient being to replace previous owner.
An excellent scene of Ardakian’s ring flying off her finger just as her hand, the only thing left of her, get absorbed into a star nearby. Quite unsettling. This is coming from a guy who has seen Jason Todd deliver a duffel bag of decapitated heads in Red Hood and Batman randomly scanning naked Kryptonians in Superman/Batman: Apocalypse.
The first 15 minutes or so kicked my ass. I need a break to calm my nerves before I can continue in this masterful work of horror. Who wasn’t expecting me taking my sweet time?