So hey, DC Comics came out with another animated, straight-to-dvd movie. Superman/Batman: Apocalypse The World’s Finest returns in a story featuring the evil Fourth World god himself, Darkseid. The plot is loosely based on popular comic book story, The Supergirl From Krypton by Jeph Loeb and Michael Turner. It’s been awhile since I read the story, so thankfully we’ll focus more on the movie being entertaining than faithful, because who the fuck cares? Anywho, the movie begins with a naked blonde chick successfully stealing Batman’s boat plane.
This movie is over an hour long, so I’m not sure they’ll include everything that happened in the comic book. In fact, let me spoil the entire plot:
Movie begins with some naked blonde foreign chick about to be raped by some dock workers. Naturally, like any naked blonde foreign chick, she easily fights off their urges with some strange powers she seems to possess and runs run away. They display her powers early on with an ongoing chase from the police and later Batman. She has the usual Superman powers, but even the ever-so-brilliant Caped Crusader could not deduce that she’s Kryptonian. Oh well, guess I can’t blame him. I mean, there *was* only one left and the planet did explode or some shit, leaving only one person, several animals, a dog, and an entire bottle of the aliens. *shrug* Anyway, the next few scenes after the chase can only be summed up in Batman dickery.
Batman dick move #1: Uses kryptonian to subdue Kara.
Batman dick move #2: Scans her naked body without permission.
Batman dick move #3: After Superman finds out Kara is his cousin, he coldly complains about the equipment she destroyed.
Batman dick move #4: Superman deciphers the pod arrived in and Batman questions the “she will prove a treasure for your world” part.
Batman dick move #5: While feverishly running away from something, scared, screaming in Kryptonian, Batman yells at her to speak English. Oh my.
I have a feeling this movie will encompass nothing but the list of Batman dickery, but hey, there’s Krypto! The Superdog! And he hates Kara. They also explain that she may be stronger than Superman due to her faster metabolism of the sun’s rays or something. Guess that means we won’t have a wimpy fight later. Superman, always the optimist, keeps batting for her; but of course Batman wants her contained, as does Krypto who foams at the mouth at the thought of her. Poor little, lost girl.
Batman dick move #6: Batman uses a sarcastic tone when saying Kal-el, Superman’s Kryptonian birth name.
Gonna pause the movie here to rant about Batman’s apparant xenophobia. Arguably, his best friend is some alien from a distant planet that does not even exist anymore. The guy probably utilizes some of the technology and others not of Earth in his arsenal. Yet, when this alien girl arrives, his first reaction is quarantine and dissect. We all know Batman is a paranoid jerk AND that he will be right, but I wonder if the pro-Earth shit is exaggerated for some dumb reason. Not a real problem, in my view, but calm the fuck down, brah.
Kara goes through what she remembers and even manages to get an ICEBURN on Batman. Oh snap, Apokolips. Haha, fucking love Granny Goodness. Crazy, old woman with a man’s voice is always the best. We’re introduced to the Female Furies, Darkseid’s own Amazons. GERMAN FUCKING SUPLEX~! Already a great movie. Word spreads quickly to Apokolips, a world that is outside time/space and not even part of the goddamn multiverse. After another failed replacement for the captain of the Furies, Darkseid desires Kara. The way he casually tells Granny to go get her implies that he’s no stranger to white slavery, like a real leader of maladjusted alien gods.
From one evil to another, Apokolips’ slaves being burned alive segued into Kara “learning” to be an Earthwoman via shopping. Poor Superman. I bet he already puts up with this with Lois and you damn well know he doesn’t have any say in the matter. She ends up getting an extraordinarily skimpy outfit that makes Superman incredibly uncomfortable. He tries to put his foot down, but his lack of spine fails him.
Batman dick move #7: He wears a lead-laced mask whever he goes.
Ha.
Batman dick move #8: He calls up Wonder Woman to violently kidnap Kara. They destroy a park that features Superman’s statue in it.
Superman’s lack of spine shows again as he didn’t want to give her up, but Wonder Woman gave him that “ha, do you honestly think I won’t kick the shit out of your alien ass you dumb cracker motherfucker?” Even better, Batman pulls the “I need you to trust me” card. Kudos Batman.
So they go training, Artemis kicks Kara’s ass. Superman and Batman are there, too, for some reason watching. Superman doesn’t like the Amazonian Masterhood way and is quite verbal about it… to Batman anyway. He doesn’t like Wonder Woman 🙁 I guess having one dominant, highly aggressive brunette in his life is too much. Fuck, there needs to be a time card or something because Kara’s been training at Paradise Island for two months now. She is still a terrible fighter. Oh hey, Harbringer is there too. She’s some oracle type of chick with visions. Ever since Kara showed up, she had visions of something terrible happening to Kara, hence why Wonder Woman kidnapped her: to protect her.
Must suck to see the future. Harbringer knows what’s going to happen and knows she can’t do a damn thing about it. Oh hey, Boom Tube and well-fuck-me, Doomsday. No wait, a goddamn Doomsday Army. For those that don’t recall, Doomsday was the monster that killed Superman. Darkseid replicated the guy’s DNA into an army about several hundred, leading to an Amazon-Doomsday bttle. Thankfully, it looks like these clones stay dead. Amazons are dropping like flies and Batman deduces something is amiss and flees from battle. Superman had enough and decides to just annihilate them all with his heat vision. Naturally, the entire army of Superman-capable, mindless beings was actually a distraction.
Darkseid kills Harbringer and kidnaps Kara, leading to DC’s Trinity to reform and go after their blonde bombshell. Awesome. I forgot Big Barda was in this movie. She and her husband, Mister Miracle, grew up and escaped from Apokolips. She was the captain of the Female Furies, the position Darkseid wants Kara to take. Anyway, she and her husband move to Earth and live in a house in the ‘burbs. Many hilarious moments from the Justice League International comic featured Barda trying to adjust to domestic life after years of battling. Just think of her as an angrier, more battlelust version of Wonder Woman.
Batman dick move #9: He breaks into Barda’s home. I bet the motherfucker was watching her take a shower, too.
Another point of interest: Barda is taller than Superman and Wonder Woman. They ask for her help and she initially refuses citing that once Darkseid captured Kara, she was already lost. However, they persisted and she relented, choosing to accompany them on their suicide mission. As they port into Apokolips, the lineup includes Batman with some Apokoliptian cannon thing, Superman, Wonder Woman with her shield and sword, and Big Barda with her giant spear. One of these does not belong. This is where people unfamiliar with comic books grunt and sighly ask, “Why is Batman there? He’s only a human!” Well, heathens, Batman is Batman. Do not question his abilities to fight gods. After years of suspending my beliefs, I can tell you that in the lineup of an alien who cannot die, a greek goddess, and a fourth world goddess, Batman is the scariest individual.
Who would win in a fight between Superman and the Incredible Hulk? Batman.
It took the Trinity to take out one of the giant tanks. Big Barda pushed the other one over the edge. Welcome home, honey. Aww, gal pal moment of Barda saying Wonder Woman inspires her. Oh hey, family’s all here. Female Furies vs Barda and Wonder Woman. On the other end of the hellhole, Batman and Superman deal with their own threats, including giant dogs and suicidal drones. Back to the handicap match, Barda busts out a rana. If you haven’t seen it already, the animated movie, Crisis on Two Earths is chock full of wrestling moves. Bunch of random shit keeps happening, more fighting, more dogs, more yelling. One of the Furies misses Kaval’s patented double stomp and gets speared for it. OH SHIT; They used the word “bitch”. This movie ain’t kid friendly.
Speaking of kid friendly, Dark Kara is practically wearing a bra. Darkseid succeeded in brainwashing her, resulting in the inevitable Kryptonian showdown. There’s the obligatory, “you know you want to kill me” scene between Barda and her former master, Granny Goodness. The scene fails for me since I know that Darkseid can kill and resurrect his minions at will. Also, considering they live on Apokolips, where the hell would they go when they die? It’s essentially hell anyway. Ha, speaking of Apokolips, Batman managed to get to Darkseid’s throne room to mention that he reprogrammed the bombs in the armory. Yes, Batman managed to decipher the alien language and password, to boot. Darkseid is none to pleased and starts beating the crap out of him. However, Batman manages to win with his bomb threat and makes Darkseid promise to leave the girl alone. He shows his admiration for the human race in their self-destructive ways; possibly a reason he greatly enjoys visiting Earth as often as he can.
Batman dick move #10: He probably would have gone through with the total destruction of Apokolips, killing (liberating?) the entire population.
Batman dick move #11: Superman thanks him and Wonder Woman for saving Kara. Batman responds by saying, “You still owe me a new computer”
What a surprise: Darkseid is here. Thankfully, he is not one to break his word. He’s not here for the girl, but for Superman’s death, which seems to be incredibly easy. DOUBLE STOMP! Laser eyes through the feet~! Supergirl and Darkseid sure are tearing up the Kent farm. Thank god Pa Kent is dead or else he’d die of a heart attack all over again. Seems like they toned down the Omega Beams again, which is unfortunate but necessary. They had to have the happy ending of Supergirl kicking Darkseid’s ass. While Darkseid calmly fries the shit out of Supergirl, Superman gets super-juiced by the sun just in time to stop Darkseid’s exit.
Welp, best moment of the entire movie: Superman lands in front of Darkseid, impeding the dark god’s departure, but notices Supergirl’s lifeless body. He slowly walks past Darkseid to her, but is stopped by Darkseid pulling his cape slightly and giving a majestic smug grin. Just the combination of the slight grasp, not even tugging. Just a “hey, one sec… *smug smile*”
Superman is able to cause a tornado with his speed while he unleashes a flurry of punches to Darkseid’s face, causing it to readjust a bit. In the midst of the fight, Supergirl opens a boom tube to send Darkseid on his merry way. Of course, being the coniving bitch she is, she reconfigured the coordinates and Darkseid is sent floating in space. Hey! Pa Kent is still alive! They arrive in time to see their house and barn fall apart while the Kryptonians go on about fixing it right up. Blah blah, Supergirl in her outfit is revealed, Amazons cheer and Batman smiles. She finally earned his approval. What a dick. And that’s the end of the movie.
Not a bad flick by any means. It did feel a little rushed, but I enjoyed the story. Lots of fighting and deaths in this one, which I believe topped Wonder Woman’s animated flick. Of course, that movie had decapatations, so who knows. Anyway, this movie is well recommended. GO BUY IT FAGGOTS.
