Your Kaiju of the Week is…

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Mecha Kong!

This just in folks: Japan is goofy as all hell.

The fine people at Toho brought in a super sized version of King Kong to do battle with the mighty Godzilla and of course, profits were had. Now never mind the fact that their take on King Kong kind of just looks like a giant mobile piece of cat vomit, he was still in demand, and a useful commodity. So after the success of King Kong’s initial Japanese romp, they did the only logical thing: Came up with a plot that involved a mad scientist capturing Kong and forcing him to dig for a radiation extract that he can then sell off to some random country, but only after his giant robot version of Kong malfunctioned while performing the same task. I dunno.

With the Japanese writers becoming increasingly detached from their brains, Mecha Kong’s only appearance is a jumbled mess of random shit happening, more random shit, occasional building smashing and Mecha Kong having a wacky light up face. The big ape bot also moves like he’s got Boris Karloff shoved up his ass and it leads to him essentially creating the “Thriller” dance years before Michael Jackson. They musta been pretty proud of the big guy’s moves because the main poster for the film features Mecha Kong obviously in mid hip hop dance off throw down.

All in all, I consider Mecha Kong a success. He’s got a great look, subtle use of Urban culture and the ability to hypnotize flesh and blood giant apes.

Now here is a picture that continues to delight me with no end in sight.

THAT is Kaiju baby!

Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland

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I have goals in life, like anyone else. Unfortunately, my goals usually revolve around finding who’s killing the cattle at midnight on Fall Out: New Vegas or drinking the most beer out of a 30 pack that I didn’t pay for. It still feels good to meet those goals though and today, I will review the 3rd Sleepaway Camp film, getting us one step closer to having a comprehensive and rather pointless breakdown of all of Angela’s exploits. And yes, we’ll be doing this the quick and dirty way, as I cannot stand even the thought of trying to watch this one all the way through alone. So I give you, Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland. Sorry.

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Countdown Moment of the Week

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Countdown to Final Crisis was a terrible 52-issue long event. It was so terrible it had little-to-nothing to do with Final Crisis, the event they are leading into. Despite the atrocity, there have been fun, hilarious moments arising from the series. Here is the 2nd installment of Countdown moment of the week. This is from Countdown to Final Crisis #3.

Mary Marvel whappin'

Mary Marvel uses the Green Lantern named Kyle Rayner as a weapon against Donna Troy, complete with appropriate sound effects.

Superboy-Prime Quote of the Weekx2

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My weeks run longer than mere mortals. With that said, here’s the 2nd installment of Superboy-Prime’s Quote of the Week.

Risk getting crippled
“YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING!”

In Infinite Crisis #4, Superboy-Prime fought against Superboy and the Teen Titans. Unfortunately for everyone (including Prime himself), they didn’t quite realize how powerful he was. He accidentally decapitated someone, punched a hole through someone’s else stomach, and froze someone to death. Realizing he was killing, he immediately blamed the folks he’s killing.

Poor Risk lost an arm for it. In fact, here’s a bonus quote!
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Hightower is dead

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The Police Academy movies suck something fierce, but dammit, they had established characters. One of those characters was “Hightower” and the man who played him, Bubba Smith, has passed from natural causes at the age of 66.

Bubba played nine (yes, fucking NINE) NFL seasons in a time period where playing that long meant you were one tough son of a bitch. I’ll put it this way, he was part of the winning team for Super Bowl 5. That was a long time before your Dad was even old enough to think about sex most likely.

Bubba was considered a monsterously powerful man, who of course, was genuinely kind and decent by friends account. He attended multiple Police Academy reunions and accepted only the pay he earned through autograph sessions, never taking any sort of base payment because he quote “didn’t need the money.”

He was found by his caretaker and the LAPD. Something awkwardly poignant about a man so gigantic and strong in his prime needing a caretaker later in life, but I have no talent and cannot properly express this.

Godspeed Bubba! GOD SPEED!

Oh and regardless of how many bad comedies he was in, he still woulda wrecked your shit no matter what age he was. Just remember that.

Creepshow

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I bought a lot of basketball cards as a kid. Used to trade them with a few mutual basketball lovers and what not. Occasionally, I would get into a swap off with a friend who didn’t watch basketball, but bought cards anyways as a means to communicate with our group. I did the honorable thing and ripped him off a lot by trading him guys who were terrible for things like Scottie Pippen’s rookie card and a Charles Barkley card that featured him still having hair and B-Cup breasts. I feel awful when I look at these things now, the corruptions of my early life still haunting me, demanding satisfaction. The only thing that pacify this despair is if I tackle 1982’s George Romero meets Stephen King cluster fuck, CREEEPSHOW. All caps. Just that once.

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Your Kaiju of the Week is…

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The star of Gamera vs Guiron…GUIRON. Take a drink everytime you see the name “Guiron” typed in this article.

Guiron kinda sucks frankly, but his approach to sucking is very different in comparison with the Megalons and Gigans of the world. Where as those monsters are fine with their random laser based attacks, Guiron has decided to live life in a much more challenging fashion. Ya see, he’s a a quadruped and his only form of defense is his big ass knife head. So basically, to defeat an opponent, he has to drag their massive forms to the ground and then slam his forehead into their abdomen or neck a lot. Sounds like a lot of work and no one would ever buy this poor fella having a shot at the magic flying space turtle, Gamera, but the folks who made their film did do one smart thing: They gave Guiron a squash match early on in the flick. Inexplicably, Space Gyaos attacks Guiron’s home planet early on in the film “Gamera vs. Guiron” and Guiron goes ahead and slices that big intergalactic chicken into chopped salad in particularly nasty fashion.

 All of these disadvantages you would think would make Guiron the plucky underdog to the fire farting super turtle. Unfortunately, Guiron’s main job is guarding the planet for 2 brain eating lady aliens. Oh well.

Gamera of course eventually ends up wrecking Guiron’s shit, but only after a spectacular turtle gymnastics display.

 

Stuck upside down in the ground by his own head, Guiron suffers a missile to the face, effectively decapitating him. Go ahead and read that again and just enjoy yourself. Good? Ya good? Good.

Guiron never returned, possibly because even the somewhat idiotic gents in control of the Gamera franchise realized he was sort of terrible. He does however go down as the only kitchen knife based space beast of the past 100 years and that has to count for something. Thank you Guiron, and Godspeed.