The Green Lantern

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Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. – Kent Brockman

I do not expect too much from super hero flicks. They don’t require Oscar winning dialogue or even have to make total and complete sense. I just ask that they entertain me for 90 to 120 minutes and that’s about it. Brain goes off, colors flash a lot and I nod approvingly as the drool pools at my feet.

The Green Lantern I thought would provide this experience. They have a genuinely charismatic lead, a planet destroying space entity and a shitload of flashing lights. It might be, I thought, at the very worst a really bad variant of Iron Man. I didn’t expect The Dark Knight or even Spider-Man fucking 2 for that matter. I just expected a good time. That did not happen. I mean it really really did not happen. Let’s keep it short and just do the major glaring weaknesses of the film because frankly, you could do a 10,000 word essay over the proverbial shit hitting the fan in this thing and I have burgers to make.

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Grizzly

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What do you think about creamy tomato soup? I’m really in love with the stuff. The texture of regular tomato soup makes me think I am drinking melted dwarf, but the creamy stuff is not unlike a subtle tip of the hat from a man you respect. It just feels GOOD. So let’s review 1976’s Grizzly in response to all of this.

Grizzly is a part of a seemingly unstoppable genre movement known as Nature Run Amok films. Jaws kick started all of this into high gear way back when and as a result we got everything from giant colonies of spiders eating William Shatner’s face (a visual that briefly ran for the Democratic nomination in 2004 and would’ve won had someone not finally noticed this was just a screenshot and not an actual living person) to giant mutated dog eating alligators. The whole thing has had a remarkable run as even now you can find relatively new “Animals slaughtering hillbillies” masterpieces like Maneater and BLOOD MONKEY. Sadly, these new wave of flicks miss a vital element of the original set: They don’t have big goofy puppet as the titular villains. Instead they opt for bad CGI. I will not rest until I get back a phony looking flexible plastic skeleton covered in golden retriever fur that is spliced with actual wild life footage in a desperate attempt to convince me that a man-eating yak is terrorizing a pre-school.

Grizzly is the king of these old school shitfests. An almost beat for beat ripoff of Jaws, it’s shameless in it’s nudity, gore and big giant fake bear claws. How could you NOT fall in love for the first time all over again or other equally vague statements?!

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Animated Asshole Reviews III, part 1

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Third time is a charm when it comes to Animated Asshole Reviews. This will be the third time I try to review an animated film, hopefully it’ll actually be done by the end of the year. However, knowing my excellent track record, it won’t. The latest cartoon movie produced by DC Comics is an anthology of stories featuring a few of the more popular Green Lanterns. Considering the movie starring Ryan Reynolds is coming out very soon, many of you (many of you as if people other than Glamaoroamaoasiaurus is reading this) know a vague amount about the Green Lanterns. For the stragglers, let me go on a brief summary.

The Green Lantern Corps is an intergalatic police force, essentially. They go around and deal with crime in the Lantern’s assigned district. The officers have quite possibly the strongest artifact in the universe at their disposal for crime fighting. They are chosen by rings who scan sectors of space for candidates that are able to overcome fear and have an immeasurable amount of willpower. Typically, Green Lanterns are pretty badass in their own right. This film will feature the stories of five different lanterns as told by Hal Jordan to the rookie, Arisia. The overall plot is some guy doing something and the Lanterns must stop him. Or something. Anywho, this is Green Lantern: Emerald Knights.

Green Lantern Anthology
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The Coloring Book – Glassjaw

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Glassjaw is a frustrating entity. They released 2 absolute classics in 2000’s “Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence” and it’s follow up 2002’s “Worship and Tribute” and proceeded to fall off the face of the Earth for the better part of 9 years. They toured occasionally and even took time to insult their fans (in hilarious fashion I might add) through various media outlets. Those rare shows they played would even sometimes show off new songs that had no studio counterpart and all of us in our goofy G-J combo logo shirts would begin rubbing our balls in anticipation of the “new album”. Never came. Justin Beck (lead guitarist) was busy raking in cash through his website Merchdirect which specialized in band swag and front man Daryl Palumbo was all tied up applying mascara and singing dance anthems with his other band, Head Automatica. Where would dorky fan boys with bad Glassjaw related tattoos go to find our release that had efficiently replaced sex? God only knew. Only God. The Lord. He knew.

Basically, Glassjaw had found a pretty remarkable formula. They barely ever played and as a result, those little shows sold out quickly and as a result of THAT, those little shows had to become bigger shows. New merchandise came out every few months and occasionally they’d throw up a small sample of a bass loop that may or may not be a part of a new song. Over that 9 year period, we did get a small 3 song EP that was a collection of B-Sides from the Worship and Tribute sessions, but that was it. They teased and teased and occasionally posted that Glassjaw was dead. This would drive away most fans of any other band. Joke was on them though! Glassjaw fans are REALLY fucking desperate and as much shit was talked on various forums on how the band had become a clothing line more than a creative entity, no one ever quite gave up.

They did the playing live thing and kept mixing in new completed songs. Before long it seemed like they had an Eps worth of material and stinky former straight edge kids were begging for an EP of stuff they had already heard live. Wasn’t good enough though. Even when “You Think You’re John Fucking Lennon” got a nice clean sounding mp3 release, it only slowed the hideous hordes down for a few days before the “EP SOON! I KNOW IT! EP SOON!” chatter began. Cocks were teased, keyboards were hit and assholes were disappointed. Nothing.

Then a lot of other shit happened. And suddenly, they released a free EP at their 1-11-11 show and people were happy. What assholes. Let’s review this damn thing.

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Night of the Demons 3…sucks.

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Night of the Demons and it’s gloriously offensive sequel brought some truly intriguing things to the table. Can you be raped by a tube of lipstick? Can that same lipstick have previously been shoved into someone’s tit with little resistance? Do nuns know a form of kung fu? The Night of the Demons series nodded it’s head “Yes!” to all of these questions…and with GUSTO. Unfortunately, like all formerly delightful horror film series, they always have to take it that extra step that isn’t needed (or the extra half dozen steps as in most case samples).

Night of the Demons 3…what to say? It’s not deserving of a full review because I’m pretty sure my thumbs would be dug into my eyes half way through it, so let’s use LOT’S of space breaks and rambling unrelated comments to stretch this puppy into a reasonable facsimile of a report of the film’s content. Go!

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Candyman

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Let’s get one thing straight right out of the gate: Tony Todd kicks a substantial amount of posterior. An imposing look combined with a voice that sounds like it could’ve done the spoken word parts of Boyz 2 Men songs has given him a nice career in the horror industry. He’s a little different for me though.

Tony, he’s a real actor. That’s not a knock on the fellows hidden behind the Myers and Voorhes masks, but lets be honest, they didn’t have a lot of emoting to do. Grunt and stab, let the make up effects do their work. Robert Englund is an undeniable icon, but his act became a self parody about 20 minutes into Nightmare 4: The Shittening. Todd certainly had the aforementioned physical gifts, but his true strength was in his acting, always quiet and dignified with a few streaks of rage.

He’s probably most well known for the Night of the Living Dead remake that Tom Savini did ( a film I like infinitely more than the overrated original, but that’s a whole nother bag of fan boy enraging) and as the titular villain, Candyman. We’ll be taking a look at that one today. My assistant will be my own level of self importance.

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Bob’s Burgers

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“Remember the time you asked me to check your prostrate and you made a poopie.”

Good lord. Eldest daughter having erotic dreams about zombies. Yes.

Lady Gaga – Born This Way

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This is the first time I have done a music review in years. I don’t even listen to tunes these days, preferring the empty silence as much as I can. However, when I discovered that the latest Lady Gaga album was going to be a $1, I couldn’t pass up on it. I vaguely know who Lady Gaga is and only know of her more popular singles due to Dance Central, but for a $1, it’s a deal that can’t be passed up. I mean, I use to purchase godawful used albums for $5 from a terrible music store, so the impulse purchase isn’t new. This will be my attempt to sit through and review the entire album. This will be the first time I actively play a Lady Gaga song with my own free will. I suspect it’ll change my life. Here is Lady Gaga’s Born This Way

Lady Gaga Born this Way
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Goodbye Shaq Daddy

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Man, what are we going to do without Shaquille O’ Neal? The Shaq Daddy announced his retirement yesterday and I am all broken up about it. Mostly because he straddled that line between “genuinely funny” and “accidentally hilarious” that all of us strive for. Ah hell, let’s count down the top 10 most embarrassing moments of Shaq’s professional career. Ya know, to honor him.

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