Hey it’s almost Halloween, you shits

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It’s that time of the year, when the leaves turn brown, the air cools and suddenly you can buy all of the sequels to Hellraiser for a combined $17.99. So let’s talk oogy boogey scaaaaaaweeee movies. Preferably with some Halloween theme. You see where I’m going with this, right?

Hey let’s start with Halloween(1978), one of the most influential horror films of the past eternity. Breaking news: It’s still awesome. And yes, it sickens me that I feel compelled to put the year after the title so as it differentiate it from the unabashed disaster that was Rob Zombie’s remake. Did you know Michael Myer’s used to be a vaguely feminine pudgy kid who rebels by saying “Fuck you!” to authority figures? And that his home life was a cliché terrible white trash bonanza? And that he’s a silly looking giant? And that all of the Myers’ character mystique can be easily ruined by these revelations?

Ugh. Sorry, we’re talking about the original, not my fan boy rage at the new one. I don’t need to recap friggin Halloween for you, right? Right. So let’s just hit on some bullet points for now.

– That mask. I’ve heard every pretentious explanation of why it’s scary from the old standard of “You can project your fears onto it! It’s a blank canvas!” to “Wait, is that Shatner?!” and they all make a fair point. I’m going to go with it just being terribly unsettling.

– Donald Pleasance as Dr. Sam Loomis. Everything Loomis says is either ominous or epic to a degree that no other man could pull off such psychotic dialogue without looking like an idiot. But Pleasance does. The film features the first time that he tries to reason with Michael, a trend that would continue for several sequels despite Michael obviously not giving a shit about reason at this point. A wonderful unhinged performance. “I met him, fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes… the *devil’s* eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply… *evil*”. I need a beer and justification for me saying this quote in every day life. Just once. That’s all I want.

– John Carpenter is good at directing movies. I have no explanation for what happened to his career after this. I have no idea why things like Princes of Darkness, Christine and The Fog exist. He did have The Thing remake and that rocks socks, but everything else has been either boring or horrendously bad. I don’t get it, he’s like a Hitchock/Argento hybrid in this film and not 5 years later, he was trying to convince me that cars that drive themselves are terrifying. Dude, put on the fucking parking break already.

– Jamie Lee Curtis is not attractive in any decade.

– Not to sodomize a wounded horse here, but the brilliance of the original film is that there is no motivation given or even attempted to be found. Michael is simply a living, breathing instrument of destruction. He’s not mad at Daddy, he’s not trying to axe a little sister and he’s not part of a Druidic cult. He’s just killing people and he won’t stop. And that’s it.

Still an all time classic and so far beyond what we’re getting at this time that I am almost reduced to pathetic tears. Live long Michael. Live long. Just not in God awful remakes.

GO PLAY CIVILIZATION 5

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I’ve been playing Sid Meier’s Civilization 5 a lot lately, which includes my lack of updates. While playing it, I discovered that “hey! I can do a terrible review of this game!” So here we are. You with your natty ice and me with my somber demeanor. Should you go out and buy this game? Probably not. Will you after this review? Probably not. Is there any reason for it other than to update you on my world conquest progress? Nope. WILL IT STOP ME??? Eh.

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The Deftones – Diamond Eyes

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What a large eight ball the vaguely stupid yet fiercely intelligent Deftones put themselves behind right from the onset of their career. They were from Sacramento, toured with Korn, had dreadlocks and occasionally spoke in broken ebonics. Their debut album, Adrenaline, featured quick hitting bursts of rage combined with a whisper quiet menace that while certainly crossing over into heavy handed at times, always seemed to retain it’s integrity. Yes the angst present on most “nu-metal” albums of the time was there, but the angle from which Chino Moreno approached the lyrics was very much its own. These were not songs about being bullied by another high schooler, they were indictments of racism and genuine hatred. The Deftones always did bite off a bit more than their peers.
Somehow, they’ve avoided the dreaded “dated” feel of say a Korn or Slipknot, never becoming a punch line and always sighted as an influence on more respectable acts of the day such as Glassjaw and Between the Buried and Me. It’s a shaky tightrope to walk, aggression that is fueled by experimenting with sound, evened out with a dose of pop sensibility. That’s why every album they release is always an experience for me, same as it was when I was 15, even as I push 26.

That gets us to their new album. Brand new Deftones songs in 2010. Let us get to it. it’s called Diamond Eyes by the way.

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El Gigante passes.

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Jorge Gonzalez was enormously tall. And that’s all it took to get his foot in the door as one of pro wrestling’s greatest freak shows. Standing 7 feet 7 inches tall, but billed as well over 8ft, El Gigante was not exactly a technical wonder. A former basketball player, Ted Turner’s WCW encouraged him to pursue a life in the wrestling business with their company. The training was…scant at best. They didn’t need the big man to have 5 star classics, they needed him to be tall and to body slam Ric Flair a lot. And he did. His greatest triumph was probably beating Sid Vicious in a stretcher match, a battle that is so overwhelmingly unwatchable that I briefly went into a coma trying to get through it.

For no apparent reason, El Gigante moved to the WWF in early 1993. He debuted at the 1993 Royal Rumble with Harvey Wippleman, a future WWF Women’s Champ in his own right. He beat down the unstoppable Undertaker and caused his elimination during the Rumble match itself, leading to a series of matches. We shall not speak of them out of respect for the dead. (They were abortions upon the so called sport) This new heel incarnation of Gonzalez was particularly awful because of his big naked super caveman look. Also, no matter how thick you grow your beard, if you got a kind looking face, it’ll look kind no matter what. Despite his size, for me the sneering Gonzalez always looked like a perfectly nice guy who just happened to wear a flesh toned body suit and beat up living dead zombies. Weird life.

The big man actually did briefly turn face in the WWF, but it was not to be. His size and a worsening situation with his health required him to take some time off, resulting in his departure from Vince‘s place. He would recover enough to get through a few tours of duty in Japan, primarily working with New Japan and the WAR promotion. His last singles match was in February of 1995 against Japanese legend, The Great Muta. He would finish out his career touring with WAR working tag matches.

Jorge’s retirement was not met with much fanfare. His health continued to decline over the years, leaving him in a wheelchair and almost blind. He found peace through his farm in Argentina where he also resided, but time was certainly wearing thin.

September 22nd would be the giant’s last day on Earth. He passed away in an Argentinean hospital as a result of complications from his diabetes. Never a top tier in ring talent, Gonzalez did get something most wrestler’s do not get when they die: A quiet dignity. There would be no tales of his drug abuse, wife smacking or child abandoning because those stories didn’t exist. He wasn’t found slumped over in his bathroom, his heart finally giving out after years of steroid abuse. No, he just passed like any other person would, albeit far too young.

So to you El Gigante, to you Giant Gonzalez, to you Jorge, thank you. You may only take up 0.000000004% of my thought process in life, but in the scheme of things, that ain’t bad.

 

Animated Asshole Reviews

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So hey, DC Comics came out with another animated, straight-to-dvd movie. Superman/Batman: Apocalypse The World’s Finest returns in a story featuring the evil Fourth World god himself, Darkseid. The plot is loosely based on popular comic book story, The Supergirl From Krypton by Jeph Loeb and Michael Turner. It’s been awhile since I read the story, so thankfully we’ll focus more on the movie being entertaining than faithful, because who the fuck cares? Anywho, the movie begins with a naked blonde chick successfully stealing Batman’s boat plane.

This movie is over an hour long, so I’m not sure they’ll include everything that happened in the comic book. In fact, let me spoil the entire plot:

  • Superman’s cousin, Kara shows up; “no one cares” (Jiyensa).
  • Wonder Woman kidnaps her to train her to be an Amazon.
  • Darkseid kidnaps her to be one of his warriors.
  • Fighting ensues.
  • Happy ending and a new member to the Super-family.

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    Lovin’ that hoop

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    I’ve been a huge NBA fan all my life, it probably consumes roughly 21% of my life. The problem with this is most of my friends are in no way shape or form fans of anything even close to organized sport, so I end up masturbating alone sadly to another failed Bulls run. As a result of this bizarre and sexually charged interest, if I ever do discuss the NBA it’s usually in the most dumbed down pointless way possible. And now that’s what I will bring to you in the written form. What’s the easiest way for someone who doesn’t give a shit about the NBA to read about the NBA and enjoy it? Why if I count down pointless things that are in no way related to what happens on the court of course. Ladies and gentleman, my top 10 favorite goofy ass names in the history of the NBA.
     
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    Blurry Cinema

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    Watching a bad movie while heavily intoxicated goes together like the internet and porn. How does one exist without the other? I have no idea and am glad to have come of age during a time when I could find any sort of degrading awful sex act I wanted within 30 seconds. Same type of happiness goes for DVDs. I had quite a few VHS and they never ceased to enrage me. Long before DVDs and later blu rays existed, my 8 year old self would scream at my VHS pile with impatience. I demanded my upgrade long before it was an option. Little did I know, I would get it something fierce, along with a taste for vicious bourbons and awful rums. Ah the sweet life.
    I’ve burned myself out on the usual process though. I mean how many times can you get drunk and crack wise at Maniac Cop 2? 7 times, that‘s how many. The luster is lost on me now though. It’s too easy. Challenges are the spice of life. So I’ve decided to pursue a new twist on it: Watching Academy Award nominated films that push well pass the 2 hour mark while going chugging various liquors. Being so incomprehensibly drunk while watching C.H.U.D. and as a result, missing plot points of a 90 minute piece of shit doesn’t hurt the experience. Can the same be said for a classic film though? Will I be more confused or enlightened if I were to ever watch Kubrick’s 2001 in this manner? Will I grow bored with intricate plots and demand titties and gore after 30 minutes of a Scorsese classic? We shall see.

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    A new feature debuts!

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    We here at Pookenstein are just like any other people. Our intricate knowledge of pornography sites and former Intercontinental champions may be larger than the average joe’s, but that’s an irrelevant point and how dare you bring it up in a public setting. Feh.

    What was I getting at again? Oh yeah, we’re regular people and like all regular people we demand, nay, NEED to see former celebrities torn down in the most horrific ways possible. Not the Lindsay Lohan types though, that’s no fun. No, we need to see something even sadder. The destruction of the quasi celeb/no longer famous types. People who are just as beaten down by life as us, and that makes their bizarre stories even better fodder for the bastard monsters of Pooke. We shall call it The Continuing Fall of Various Minor Celebrities. Let’s do this and see how long I keep it a reoccurring article before completely giving up. This week, we discuss a minor comedic actor, Dennis Quaids’ brother, a lying liar and a shitty musician.

    Randy Quaid and his wife were arrested for squatting in their former house, a property they had not owned for well over a decade. Randy has tried to explain this bizarre misunderstanding away with a story that involves forged documents, a corpse and the watering of oak trees. Unfortunately, I have made none of this up for comedic effect. Apparently the Quaids also caused a few grands worth of damage. When the man who played Cousin Eddie in the Vacation films says he’s gonna wreck a toilet, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT PAL.

    You’ve probably seen the film The 40 Year Old Virgin, right? Sure you have. Well Shelley Malil played one of Steve Carell’s co-workers, Haziz. Remember? The Middle Eastern fellow? Kinda funny, played off his stereotype well? It seems he stabbed his wife 23 times after catching her talking to a neighbor on the patio. His defense claims that in the “chaos” of it all, he thought his wife was being attacked and assumed he was stabbing her attacker. It was a big ol’ accident you see. He has been convicted of attempted murder and will be sentenced soon. On the plus side, we apparently have found the cure for 23 stab wounds as the woman survived and has made a full recovery. Obviously, Malil’s defense is a bunch of bullshit. The truth of the matter must be the woman is a cyborg from the future sent here to murder our future leader when he’s a child. MALIL WAS TRYING TO HELP US! I jump to this conclusion because once again, he stabbed her 23 times and SHE’S FINE. Gotta be a robot. Or just incredibly fat, I guess. Forget I said anything.

    Chael Sonnen almost defeated Anderson Silva handily in their UFC fight a month or so ago. He has proceeded to brag endlessly, despite still losing the fight. And now he has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. Whoops. Anderson Silva was reportedly overheard saying “Man, I knew that fag was on something, he ain’t that damn good.” And by “reported”, I mean I assume he said something like that and completely made this section up. But! If he did actually use that slur, how dare Anderson Silva continue forth on his bigoted view of homosexuals. What a monster.

    Chris R. Rybicki played bass for the Band Unearth from 1998 to 2002. He was killed Saturday by a drunk driver while riding his scooter. This story made me go “Oh Yeah, Unearth” and then go download the 3 songs I like by them. Thanks Chris!

    That is all for now. Keep on plummeting stars of yesteryear!

    Spay Your Goddamn Pets

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    The Sad Puppy

    Neuter this Fucker

    The female dog in the household is in heat again, prompting the mature male dogs to continuously fight/whine over her. There has been an increase in dog barking and dog annoyance. Naturally, this could have been prevented if the family listened to Bob Parker and spayed/neutered every single one of them.